How do I make my mark?

My Last Post

2009-03-29T09:48:00.003-05:00

8:45 p.m. and I'm resting my left shoulder against the cold tile. Outside my building I'm picturing snowflakes falling on filthy concrete. Warm beads of comfort cascade down my body and steam fills my lungs. One of my favorite songs starts to penetrate my ears from just outside the door...

Ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Save me girl
Turn me on with your electric feel

...

My mind wonders to her, to that night, then back to her like it has for months. I'm every emotion all at once. I laugh for a brief second aloud and then I stop. I spit a few droplets of the hard water out on the tile in front of me. "God damn" dribbles outta my mouth and rests somewhere in between the open drain and the dark speck in the upper right corner of my window. I took a second glance at the speck. I peered at it, watching every move. Such a calculating creature and yet a creature that survives on chance too. I gaze at it as if I was watching the Discovery channel, faux commentary fills my head. The web was perfect and yet hardly noticeable. The creature was dark brown with the slightest hint of white rings that circled its body from end to end. I peered around it. I noticed a smaller speck below the creatures body. The smaller speck looked to be half covered. The creature repositioned itself, its back legs started moving hastily up and down. It was brilliant. The creature was so fast and deliberate in cocooning its prey. I watched, staring wide eyed for a little longer. I put my mind in both their places. Was I the predator? Was I the prey? Perhaps, I dance on the fine line between the two waiting for the web to break? Or was I the guy that turned off the water, grabbed some toilet paper, and in one fell swoop destroyed it all?

I tossed the paper in the toilet and flushed it. What is it like to drown? Are we all drowning? Are we all just given a chance to swim a little longer than spiders?

This is my last post. It was fun blogging but I'm worn out and just don't enjoy it like I once did. Maybe I'll pick it up again but probably not.

I leave you with this song and video for several reasons. 1. It was in my story. 2. It is her. 3. I miss showbiz pizza (2:22) and fuck chucky cheese! 4. One of my favorite songs of all time.

You Just Have To Love UTIOG!

2009-03-23T09:50:00.002-05:00

This is a great little piece of lyrics from the song 'beautiful'.

I want you to know that I'm beautiful,
I'm taking my time to perfect dying alone,
I'm cutting the string that binds me to you,
I'm writing a book on what not to do.

so good!

I'm Tired

2009-03-20T15:58:00.002-05:00

I'm glad this video is out.

Random Thoughts

2009-03-13T02:33:00.004-05:00

Friends losing their jobs.
Things could be better at mine.
It's still really freaking cold.
I still haven't fully gotten over this sickly ick.
That means I haven't been back to workout in awhile.
So many things I can't afford that i need to do.
Two women who are interested in me but I'm already starting to date two other women. I know...sounds rough.
In the end, I'm really very lucky.
My mom has to go back in for another surgery, that worries me.
I've stopped going out so much, just doesn't seem as fun to me anymore.
I'm more of the mindset that I just want to curl up and watch a good movie.
hmmmm...
is this signs that I might be growing up.
ha!
maybe.
Oh well.
I've got plenty of time.
Off to bed.

no phone. no phone. I just want to be alone today...
love that song.

Getting A Little Better

2009-02-26T00:11:00.000-06:00

Up Again With Coughing Attacks

2009-02-25T00:45:00.002-06:00

This blows being sick.

Ugh. Blegh. Blah.

2009-02-23T13:35:00.002-06:00

Don't you just love being sick? I always seem to get sick at the worst times too. Here are some factors in why I'm still sick after a week of trying to get better. First, did you know that single people are 4 times more likely to get sick compared to those people in relationships. Stress! We are supposed to relax so our body can concentrate on the infection. I've been hit hard with lots to do in a short period of time to do it and my stress level has never been higher. Sleep! Yep, haven't been able to sleep due to coughing fits or work. Cleanliness! Yes, keep your home clean even when your sick helps you to get better. However, there is just not enough time in the day when you're sick and busy to get that stuff done. Food! The right ingredients can definitely help your immune system out. Although, when you're by yourself, who really wants to go out and go shopping? Instead you grab what's available and hope to not balloon to 300 lbs. while you're bedridden. If there is one thing I do miss. I miss being taken care of when i feel like shit.

I haven't been out in two weeks so I'll throw this on here.

Sympathy

2009-02-15T12:30:00.002-06:00

I went to an open mic night to observe a friend play three new songs of his. One of the other musicians played a song I thought was really great. It's called Sympathy and was originally done by a band called Rare Bird in 1971. The video is using a cover done by a band named Marillion. I think this song works for every generation, which is not necessarily a good thing.

A Good Trailer

2009-02-12T14:56:00.002-06:00

I really enjoy trailers for movies. I almost enjoy them as much if not more than the movies. One trailer still sticks out in my mind. I'm not a big horror fan by any means and I haven't seen this movie but I do remember running across its trailer. After watching the short teaser trailer I had the worst sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It doesn't use gore or graphic violence it just makes you uneasy. What you don't know is more terrifying than what you do know.

First you think it's really simple and not clever at all. The awkward camera angle almost looks amateur but then the song kicks in. The sound and lyrics are eerie in themselves and there is a definite sense of calm cruelty in the sound. You see a body bound and dragged by a faceless figure—a definite sense of impending doom. All of this is still typical...but wait. A large foot crunches in front of the camera and another figure starts marching forward. You notice a loose rope starting to pick up slack and that's when you feel it. The camera angle jerks as you realize that this isn't a camera angle...this is your view from a confined bag. You are ultimately placed in the horrific situation and a feeling of hopelessness continues as it ends. Enjoy.

Can't Sleep

2009-02-12T01:26:00.002-06:00

I just finished working and now I'm reading a phenomenal book I'll tell you about later. Anyways...

I'll throw this out there.

Everything that lives, lives not alone nor for itself. — William Blake

night.

Jessie Malakouti - Outsider

2009-02-10T10:02:00.001-06:00

Holy Shit this is a great dance song. If you can get past the first 30 seconds you're in for a treat. I hope I get a chance to hear this in some clubs soon.

Outside - Jessie Malakouti

Yay! I Sold My TV!

2009-02-09T16:43:00.002-06:00

That TV while awesome has been the bane of my existence for awhile now. I put it up on craig's list and after many promising phone calls I finally found someone willing to buy it and pick it up. However, that doesn't mean I didn't run across a few scam artists. My favorite part about the one below is that david peterson is apparently "turkish". Nice.

Good Day

I am very much happy for your responds. I Turkish man that i live in usa, Right now i will be instructing my client to send you a CHECK of {$3700} in respect of your name. This increase of money covers the money for the {65" Mitsubishi Widescreen TV} and the Money for the Mover. I wont be very Much present in controlling the shipping of the Item cause i got a Good News that my Wife delivered in Turkey, So i need to get to turkey as soon as Possible, That is why i want to see some more Pics of the {65" Mitsubishi Widescreen TV} if there is still any one you get , or if you can get present pics , Cause I would only be communicating with you Via email for the main time. My Mover will be responsible for the Shipping and other Paper works. He is very Much capable to stand for me, I have known him and trusted him for the past 27years which he never failed. Some times Mistake comes But we Just have to work out Solution,. So as soon as you get the CHECK cashed i would Love you to deduct your Money and have the rest send to my Mover via Western Union . I will let you have his information as soon as you get the check. So if this is cleared by you and you believe i can trust you on this also. I would Like to have your Full details So that my shipper can come Over for the Pick Up.
Full Name:--
Address :--
City :--
State :--
Zip Code:--
Country :--
# Number:--
Hope to get this responds fast from you ..

Thanks

David Peterson

Take It Sleazy!

2009-02-06T15:10:00.004-06:00

I feel rejuvenated, I have a certain vigor for vivacious villainy. The weather has caused me to feel young again. It's amazing how much a change in the climate can take you from six to midnight. I'm not sure how long this warm front is going last but I'll enjoy it while I can. I can't wait to hit first Friday's tonight! Tomorrow is a cool snowboarding competition at P&L live block. My buddies house party tomorrow night as well. Sunday I get to clean, do a little work, and then out to grab some drinks with a fun girl I recently met. Life is good. I tell myself this every morning...and I believe it.

I want to take this opportunity to personally thank that young attractive woman I see at the gym every morning. I've had many opportunities to just lay in bed and go back to sleep but then I think, I kinda want to share smiles with her again. So I drag my ass outta bed at six, do my abdominal workout and then head to the gym. We always trade smiles and I feel like it was worth the couple extra hours of sleep i missed. Life's a garden, dig it!

Yeah...Good Song.

2009-02-03T11:56:00.001-06:00

Am I Still The One

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 10)

2009-02-01T22:49:00.000-06:00

What am I looking for?

I'm still trying to figure this out. I'd love it if I met someone that professionally did what I did. I feel like that was one of the hardest things to overcome in all my previous relationships. It would be really great if they were just as ambitious as me too. I need someone that is creative, because creatives just look at the world differently. We are our own special breed, we observe what most don't in ways most can't. I need someone I don't have to entertain, that's independent, that can create their own fun. I get so frustrated when I take someone out and they need to be at my side to have a good time. I'll introduce you, check up on you, and flirt with you but take the time to meet people and create relationships with them. I need someone that fills the role of what I think is attractive physically. I like someone that is fashionable or even fashionably outgoing. I have a tendency towards the claire dane's features . I love someone with an outgoing personality, someone that can capture a room and take it over. My favorite trait of all is someone who does what makes them happy and can be extremely spontaneous. I enjoy risk takers.

There is more to it than that but it's a start to finding happiness.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 9)

2009-02-01T22:12:00.003-06:00

So where do I go from here. Well...with the economy in the shitter it's hard to gather a lot of options. I really would like to get out of Kansas City. I'm hopeful that my job might allow me to do this.

I have fun and kinda go with the flow. I lost between 40-50 lbs over the last year while gaining muscle too. I feel very confident in achieving my goal of a six pack. I receive quite a few compliments on my appearance which is funny because I still see that unpopular chubby kid in the mirror.

I try to stay single for the most part and make it perfectly clear to most that need my attention that I'm not looking for a relationship. It sounds bad but to everyone that approaches me they just want the same thing. They just want to wake up in someone's arms. No one gets hurt and for the most part I'm the one that is approached. I make sure that nobody ever gets hurt. There have been a couple of opportunities to move to a relationship but logistics get in the way. I'm fine either way. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that it'll happen when it happens and it's just fun in between. After all, If you're going to be with someone for the rest of your life...why spend every second with them now?

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 8)

2009-01-29T23:22:00.002-06:00

We talk every once and awhile. There are still some boxes of things that have yet be split up. We have memories and I'm proud to have said that I loved her once. I'm also proud to have had someone love me so deeply once. Love is hard and it's exhausting. It's exhausting because it's a ton of work. I went through a really rough patch after the divorce. I didn't know how to date or initiate interest. I drank a lot which led to a really bad car wreck that I'm thankful did not hurt anyone else. I'm also really lucky I wasn't killed because I wasn't wearing my seat belt. Just lucky all the way around. I woke up after that crash and was able to get some much needed help.

I finally got back in the game and started having fun for the first time. I realized single life isn't that bad after all. Actually, I kinda enjoy it. I've since dated a lot but nothing has really come from it. It's going to take a lot more dating and someone very special to catch me. I'm not your typical guy and for that I'm both proud and also lonely. I always leave every relationship on good terms. Why? I know how to make someone feel good about themselves and I enjoy doing that. I did have one potential prospect for a relationship that I let my guard down for. However, it just didn't seem meant to be.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 7)

2009-01-28T09:36:00.003-06:00

By the time the end of the year rolled around we were both fed up. I started working out in the mornings because I had let myself go and was completely miserable with how I looked and felt. I was really busy at work. I finally had my own client and therefore flying out to do presentations more often. I remember flying out for a week and on the flight back getting delayed on the plane for three hours. I came back to do the VML party with all my confidence back. I then took off the next morning to ride out with my buddy Adam to the KU versus Colorado football game in Colorado. I got back home from that and immediately flew back out again for another week. I did a lot of thinking on this trip. It was good for me.

We traveled to my buddies place for the New Year's Eve party. We both smiled and laughed but we were both good at hiding our unhappiness. We left there to go to my parent's place and a large scale battle broke out between the two of us. Everything that could've been said was and even things that shouldn't have been. It was brutal and you could feel that hatred seething. That's when the switch flipped. That's when I knew that once the switch was turned off it was permanent. We got through the rest of the New Years and my birthday. I moved out of the house and into my buddies place. We called it a separation but I never showed any signs of trying to make it work and she got the that. She realized I was done.

We filed for divorce and we put the house on the market. She immediately started dating again. I went through hell carrying the burden of being the initiator of the split. The families blamed me but they never really knew what happened behind closed doors. She found happiness right away having met another teacher she fell head over heals for. She gave me a couple of letters telling me that I was right in what i had done and that she understood it now. She also apologized for not seeing just how many of my dreams and goals I had set aside for her. I am still so happy that she is happy and in love again. I had no issues in taking on the huge responsibility of the split. My shoulders are strong and I could carry that load.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 6)

2009-01-26T20:32:00.002-06:00

I worked harder than ever before, feeling guilty about what I had done. The rest of the winter was cold in more ways than one. I put my frustrations into working on the house. I learned how to drywall and standard house maintenance. I retreated into sports, T.V., video games and food. I've always been particular about my weight and I've always worked hard to maintain it. This time I just didn't care.

The summer rolled around and she wasn't working because she was a teacher. She spent the whole summer in bed...sleeping. She was deeply depressed. I couldn't take it and so I spent lots of time out or doing other things. I knew why she was depressed. It was a conversation we kept having. I couldn't understand why she wanted kids so bad, right now? I felt like I still needed a lot more time. I still needed to travel. I still needed to advance my career. We separated for a bit but the loneliness got to me and I came back. She tried to be more upbeat and I tried to be happier but it was just delaying the inevitable.

That summer something else happened. I met someone that sparked me. She was beautiful and the chemistry was great. I realized then that the person I was then was different from the person I was eight years earlier. I realized that my attractions and my interests were different. I realized that happiness lied somewhere else and with someone else. During the separation right before the divorce I tried to pursue it but nothing came from it. It was a good learning experience albeit painful.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 5)

2009-01-25T16:03:00.002-06:00

I knew I made a huge mistake after the wedding. My head was all over the place and old feelings, thoughts, emotions from my childhood started to resurface. With us living so far away from my friends and her having social anxiety I was trapped. I wanted to go out. I needed to go out. I started trying to go out more and I drank more. I had a hard time coping with what I'd just done so I drank and partied but not like before where it was controlled. This was me not caring what happened. This was me acting out.

Some witnessed this break down at my office party. So many seemed to think that I just partied a little too hard. It was deeper, it was less than a month after the wedding and I was out to destroy something. I was pretty drunk by the time my wife had shown up. I ignored her and pushed her away. I hated her at that moment and I didn't know why. She left the party. I hated her for leaving me there. I was testing her to see just how much she'd put up with. She was tired of that game and therefore just left. Her mind was somewhere else. She was starting to feel the struggle with not being a mother yet. I knew that too.

The rest is a blur to me but apparently I continued to drink and finally passed out. My friends called my wife and she came and picked me up. I woke up the next morning lying on the cold concrete floor of our garage. I continued to vomit and get sick for the next two days and finally had to be rushed to the E.R. for I.V. drips. Apparently I had the flu as well. I was so very lucky I didn't ruin everything at my job. I tried to destroy my life but thankfully I didn't succeed. It still gets brought up as a joke just like any college party but for me it's deeper. It takes me back to a time where I didn't like who I was or what I was doing.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 4)

2009-01-25T15:22:00.002-06:00

Had I'd been alone where would I be? I ask myself this almost daily. I'm not even going to pretend to know that because there is no answer. I'm only right here...right now.

We were already moved into a house and working full time. What is the next step? It didn't take us long to decide that the obvious next step was to get married—right? It's all so American and picture perfect. Honestly, the conversation should've been how are we going to end this without it getting much worse. I tell everyone about to get married to take a step back and really analyze what that means and how you feel. I say this because if you're doing a big wedding you can easily get caught up in the planning. You never really take a look at the situation through honest eyes. There is so much to do and worry about with a wedding that your life a lot of times gets put on hold so that you don't have a break down from all the stress. TAKE THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND IT!

With the wedding in full swing things were getting rocky. I grabbed every piece of work I could get my hands on. I buried myself in my ambition so I didn't have to come home. She spent a lot of her time in bed working. The happiness just wasn't there. We would have good times every once and awhile but it felt like work. We tied the knot and the glorified party was a lot of fun. However the lies cut me to the core. I acted my way through, and that sounds terrible but I did. I did it because I loved her. I loved her because she stood by me and loved me and accepted me when I was so wounded when we first met. I loved her because my family loved her. I loved her because she is the nicest, sweetest person I'd ever met. I loved her just enough to go through with a false wedding but didn't love her enough to tell her the truth. I know that she knew...we both knew but neither of us had the guts to bring it up.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 3)

2009-01-22T23:55:00.002-06:00

So we'd come home every night to our downtown apartment. I would sneak off to Tanners to go visit my buddy and she would retreat to our bed and work all night. I'm a connoisseur of social functions, the nightlife, spontaneity and with my good job making good money I was afforded the opportunity to do that. I quickly found out that that was not what she wanted. She was ready to nest and settle down. Having come from a big family and working as an elementary school teacher she was in the pursuit of making babies. Part of my initial attraction to her came from the fact that I knew she would be an excellent mother...but I couldn't imagine her being the mother of my child. One gut feeling I've learned to notice is that if I can't look at a partner and see them having my child...then they won't. I think so far in my life I've only met one woman that I could clearly see her and I having a child together.

We were learning that we both were heading down two separate paths. It was only a matter of time before my family and hers started harping on us to get married, settle down, have babies. I was scared. My coworkers were all settling down, some of my friends were starting to do the same. We started looking at houses and in true manipulative fashion my mother stepped in to financially help us build a house we couldn't afford, in a neighborhood close to her, with a drive that killed me, in a life I hated. We settled in—proud of our new home that we could then show off to the Joneses. We went to the neighborhood parties and why I would talk about the newest night clubs and happy hours, everyone else talked of expecting or trying to have children and even worse...how do you keep your lawn so nice. As I bottled up my hatred for everything suburban and quaint our families and her basked in the idea of the plan that was 'their' dream.

Instead of walking my path...I walked theirs.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 2)

2009-01-21T22:48:00.005-06:00

After I graduated school in the summer of 2002 I started sending out my resumé. No takers until the fall where I started working at a small design shop for practically pennies. She continued school as well as working part time. For me...things were starting to change. By the next spring I didn't have a job and we were living in a tiny apartment in shawnee. I started working with a friend designing small websites. It didn't pay much but it was good experience.

We had to move in with my parents. This was a very tough thing to do. It wore on us. She was going to school and working while I was still trying to beef up my portfolio and interview everywhere. I refused to take production jobs that were being offered for fear that I'd be pigeon holed into a line of work I didn't want to do. I felt guilty for that choice and it strained the relationship. I once told myself that I had two big goals. One was to travel the world. Two was to be a designer in New York. I gave up both so I could be with her. That would doom us as well. After the divorce I recieved an important letter from her, she wrote that she was sorry for forgetting about my dreams and that she sees now why I did what I had to do. I thought I could put aside all my dreams, my goals, but what I found was that I was putting my happiness aside in order to achieve someone else's dreams and goals. That is not how you should live your life.

I finally got a job at another small design firm. That job then led me to a job at my current place of employment. We moved downtown shortly after. We were both working and our careers were starting to take off. Unfortunately, our relationship was being ignored over the constant hum of every day responsibilities. Like zombies we were moving through life, putting all our energy into our work...perhaps so we didn't have to face the reality that we were pulling away from each other.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 1)

2009-01-17T20:53:00.003-06:00

The one big question everyone asks me is; what happened that would make you get a divorce? For me this is an easy question to answer...because we should've never gotten married. This is almost always followed by; why did you get married then? To which I can only answer...because I love her.

You confused yet? Welcome to my life.

Our relationship started when we were both very young. I was 18 and had just graduated from high school. She was 17 and was working at Subway during the summer before her senior year.

Wow...so many memories of times, people, places that I haven't thought about in a long time.

She was cute and sweet. She made me a sandwich. I asked her out due to a weird bet made by me and my buddy Justin. We started dating and immediately there was chemistry and friendship. We had a very passionate couple of weeks before I left on vacation. We ended it when I was on vacation. This was because we moved really fast and because she decided to move back down to Wichita for her senior year. We ended up getting back together and decided we'd try a long distance relationship. I spent my freshman year visiting her a couple of weekends a month and enjoying the dorm life on the other ones. The distance seemed to really help us take it slow and enjoy the time we had together. Half way through my sophomore year she moved in with me in my apartment and from then on we lived together. It was full of love and happiness. We'd help each other study and since we didn't have any money we'd keep each other company. We were living the college life together and enjoying it. I also loved her because for the first time I had someone that could help me heal some old wounds and vice versa.

SWING!

2009-01-14T14:25:00.002-06:00

Please help me promote this youtube video because it rocks! Send it out and I guarantee you'll get some WTF's and :) back.

Cerebral Story

2009-01-06T15:19:00.001-06:00

The director does some commentary that explains why this novel is so important.

Being Alive!

2009-01-04T20:43:00.003-06:00

It's very scary if you get it but can be very beautiful if you understand. The play is very god and this song is phenomenal.

A little Romance Please With A Side Of Passion

2009-01-02T19:47:00.005-06:00

One of my favorite movies and soundtracks has got to be Wicker Park. I've seen it many times and continue to listen to the soundtrack over and over again. I just can't seem to find that romantic side of life I love. Everything feels so rushed when it comes to dating, relationships, work, life. Maybe romance is only found when we slow down to recognize what we have...or what we don't have. So many times I revert to passion being something sexually animalistic in nature but that doesn't seem to be what passion is. Passion seems to me to be something more in the nurture realm. To take care of someone's needs can be the most passionate thing in a relationship. I think we as a society; especially our generation and younger, needs to examine just how we are killing romance and passion. I find that maybe, just maybe, had I grown up in an older time, I would've been better served as a man to have to "court" a woman. We all feel that we put forth our best effort when we go into a relationship but are we?

My grandfather used to tell us stories about how he walked from his naval base to see my grandmother. He would then take her on a date and she still remembers that he didn't have very much money but he tried to do something special for her each time. They'd share a sweet goodnight kiss and he'd walk back to the base in the dark. I looked up the towns and they were close to fourteen miles away from each other. He would mention later that his navy boots would wear out faster than most of the other seamen's. I greatly admired my grandfather for that. It sounded...romantic.

I'm not new to this idea, as a matter of fact I'm turned on by romance more than most but quick satisfaction seems to be taking over. How do we as a society confront that? or do we just go with it? Check this out for some instant romance.

Something Deep—

2008-12-27T13:56:00.003-06:00

Inside me.
It Hurts.
Another good piece of me taken away with only the cold to fill the void.
I keep venturing farther and farther away from the glow.
My fangs are getting bigger; my bite deadlier.
Just a venomous victim.

Ramblings For the Holidays

2008-12-22T10:42:00.002-06:00

ahhh ... tis the motha fuckin season homies.

Over the years, I've learned that the holidays are what you make of them. They can be stressful, hard, lonely, happy, exhausting, depressing, fattening, jolly, loving and almost always challenging. Mine so far has been very lonely. I'll explain but first I need to tell you about a Christmas that made all other Christmases that much more special.

I think that everybody would discover something about the holidays if they took one Christmas eve through Christmas and spent it alone. You would discover how to fill a secret emptiness with so much less the next Christmas. We all say 'it' but do we really mean it? Do we really mean that it's not always about the presents or food or the other indulgences? Once you've spent those two days alone...by yourself, then you'll know a truth far more eye opening than just saying you don't need that 'stuff'. I will point out the fact that my lonely Christmas was circumstantial but was still eye opening.

It was December of 2005 or more specifically Christmas eve. I was in the car headed to Wichita. I was at the tail end of the journey when it hit me. I rushed and immediately grabbed a plastic bag where I proceeded to purge myself of lunch I had had about an hour ago. I stayed calm but realized something was definitely wrong. The rest of the drive was brutal but i made it to my destination. I carried my stuff in and immediately made myself a makeshift bed next to the toilet. I vomited just about every half hour until that evening and then about every hour. I called my family and told them what was going on. This was one of the first years that everyone on my dad's side of the family has decided to show up. Probably one of the biggest Watkins/Oddkins bashes since I can remember and I was missing it. I was miserable. Whenever I called I could hear the party in the background, the laughter, I could almost feel the fun coming through the phone and then it was over. At one point late in the evening I even tried to get ready and go out but it was no use. I laid in my makeshift bed on the hard ground and wondered...what had I done so wrong to deserve this kind of lonely. The next day was full of painful nausea. I was exhausted, worn out and pretty much incapable of doing anything but sleeping. My parents did stop by for a couple of minutes but it was pretty much pointless. I came to the realization that I would have to wait yet another long year before I would get to have that time with my family again. I never once thought about the presents or the food. I only thought about how much I missed seeing my family having a good time with each other. I missed the smiles and the laughter. I missed out on my dad dressing as Santa for the first and maybe the only time in my life and watching the grandkids wonder in amazement. It was painfully lonely to have a Christmas like that. From then on I appreciate the holidays more than ever and realize just why we have them. Some believe we should celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas. Whether that's what you believe or not you should at least celebrate what you have and who you have it to share with.

The reason why I'm so lonely this holiday season is because I just moved for the first time into my own place. I also have to unpack everything for the first time by myself. It's very difficult to have to do everything on your own. What makes it worse is the fact that I slipped on the steps when moving last wednesday and fell hard on my back on the steps. It was bad and my back is still hurting. I have to unpack old memories of a time when everything seemed so much more controlled and comfortable. Those memories can a make a person miss the companionship they once had. Also, more than ever I feel like I've been abandoned. My family used to offer to help us unpack and be so forward when it came to helping me my ex out that I kind of expected it this time. I'm not sure but I think they've pulled away; only offering to help as little as possible to make sure i get the message that they aren't happy. If that is how they feel, that they need to punish me by not helping at a time when I could use it most...well that's their choice and i still don't regret mine. Part of it is my own fault, I have a very hard time asking for help. I tend to want to put everything on my shoulders and do it alone. And alone is how I feel right now.

Hot Little Pony

2008-12-14T11:00:00.003-06:00

This has always been one of my favorite songs but now Far under the new moniker Hot Little Pony has released a rocking cover of it. Check it out. It's not available on itunes yet but there are free downloads out there.

The VML Winter Ball

2008-12-14T02:22:00.007-06:00

A work party that was a blast. I just recently started dating someone that I was able to introduce at the party. I kinda wanted to see how she would react in that kind of environment and she was amazing. My friend took my camera at one point in the night and started randomly shooting pictures throughout the night. He captured this moment.

I look at this picture...stare at it. The body language the facial expressions, they seem to tell a story. I'm happy, not just because I'm dating someone who excites me. It's because I've handled the best and worst of things in my life and no matter what happens, I'm in control and can do anything. I'm smiling. You can't see it but hopefully you can feel it in the words that are written here.

Rotted Fruit

2008-12-09T23:13:00.004-06:00

Eye's gazing,
salivating at shapes,
colors.

I ask please,
penetrate me,
devour me.

Pierce ripe skin,
indulge,
the nectar beats.

I live,
and yet,
I've expired.

Crazy Christmas Sweater Ideas

2008-12-09T12:53:00.014-06:00

Here are a few fun and crazy Christmas sweater ideas:
(All sweaters were designed by me and my associates)

His & Hers

Panda Population Control

HO HO HO F*$%!

Santa's Little Helper

The Assassination of Chief Elf Samuel by the Coward Santa Claus

The Bees and The Deers

The christmas feeling

This one time at band camp

A Good Sign

2008-12-09T00:11:00.001-06:00

CAPRICORN | VIRGO

Capricorn + Virgo

Earth + Earth = Solid Ground

A partnership between Capricorn and Virgo, two earth signs, is a no-brainer. You’ll definitely have an immediate rapport with Virgo, and they won’t find you as serious as other signs do. A combination of the same elements is always a great foundation for a relationship.

Both of you are down to earth straight shooters; that’s the earth quality shining through. Virgo will focus on offering you clear and practical service, as Virgos do. You, being a Capricorn, will focus on success.

Although you are basically both economical and sensible, Virgo is more upbeat. They will lift your energy, and make you feel refreshed, youthful and responsive. Virgo also brings out your mischievous and fun-loving side; your ambition and seriousness could take a bit of a back seat.

Both of you will work towards material goals, but when you’re with each other you’ll be quite prepared to bring down walls of convention that would ordinarily be an obstruction to a deeper relationship.

Virgo is usually extremely picky, and preoccupied with the detail of everything. Because you’re reasonably methodical, and very engaged with the process of becoming successful, they won’t be too critical of how you do your work.

The result of this is that you’ll then trust them and feel confident that you can do any job to their satisfaction. This feeling of trust will set your more sensitive and loving side free.

You’ll find it easy to express your love with Virgo. But it will always be against the background of your need for long-term security and comfort. And Virgo will give this to you in full.

Virgos born between 24 August and 2 September could be spiritually connected to you as mentors. They could help you decide the direction in which your life develops, and they could have a strong influence over your higher learning. They could be teachers, advisers or lawyers. You may meet them in the course of your work or studies.

If you’re looking for love, Virgos born between 3 September and 12 September are superbly aligned with you. Both of you have the vibrations of Capricorn and Saturn, which also co-rule their Sun sign. You’ll have plenty to look forward to in a relationship with these people.

There will be good vibrations between you with Virgos born between 13 September and 22 September. Venus has a strong influence on them, and rules your zone of love, pleasure and entertainment.

January 19th

2008-12-07T22:34:00.000-06:00

Capricorn/Aquarius
January 19 to January 23

Capricorn is the tenth sign of the Zodiac; Aquarius is the 11th sign. Those born on the Capricorn/Aquarius cusp are involved with and interested in social institutions. They want to make them work as they were meant to work. They are humanitarians and philanthropists, the visionaries of the Zodiac. Friendship is important to them, and they have many acquaintances, in addition to their close friends. These people are also ambitious and disciplined, determined and dedicated to achieving their goals. They are practical, realistic and cautious not to get in over their heads.

The astrological symbol of Capricorn is the Sea Goat. They start from the sea and ascend to the highest mountain tops, working their way upward with every step. While the path is not always smooth, their determination to succeed ensures they will persevere. The astrological symbol of Aquarius is the Water Bearer. Like the Bearer bringing water to his people, this sign brings new ideas to the world. It represents consciousness and the flowing of ideas. Capricorn/Aquarians work hard to bring their ideas to fruition, stubbornly refusing to give up their causes. This may appear as a Capricorn trait, but it is actually representative of the fixed quality of Aquarius. The cardinal quality of Capricorn is seen in their ambition and their willingness to embark on new projects. These people are independent and individualistic, within the world but detached from it. While they are peace-loving and friendly, they can be narrow-minded and overcritical of those not as ambitious as they are.

Capricorn is ruled by the planet Saturn. In ancient Roman mythology, Saturn (and his Greek equivalent, Cronus) was the father of many of the gods, including Zeus. Saturn is about discipline, hard work and responsibility. It rules both Capricorn and Aquarius; Capricorn is the feminine, or night aspect, and Aquarius is the masculine, or day aspect. Both signs are concerned with achieving goals through hard work, but Aquarians work hard to achieve their visions, while Capricorns use hard work to gain authority and social status. When the planet Uranus was discovered, astrologers assigned it as the modern ruler of Aquarius. It is from this planet that Aquarians receive their visionary nature. Uranus is associated with progress and technology -- anything that is radical -- and it rules electricity and astrology. Some Aquarians have genius that borders on insanity, and their progressive ideas and association with anything that is different makes them dissimilar from Capricorn. Although Capricorn/Aquarians are powerfully influenced by both Uranus and Saturn. Those born on this cusp are both unpredictable and unconventional, while being interested in upholding tradition and conservative belief systems.

The element associated with Capricorn is Earth. Earth Signs are practical: they tend to respond to the world through practicality. The element associated with Aquarius is Air. Air Signs are intellectual: they tend to respond to the world through intellect. Capricorn/Aquarius has fixed opinions and is eager to share and discuss them. While those born on this cusp are tolerant and broad-minded, they tend to stick to their beliefs. Their intellect makes them logical and self-confident, but it may also make them aloof from the people around them. They are original, offbeat and even eccentric, but they are also rather bored by detail. They are often business-oriented and can be extremely scrupulous. Reformist and experimental, they may also seem cold toward anyone who doesn't share their intellectual orientation to life.

Capricorn/Aquarians are among the responsible and traditional sign combinations. They are generally reserved, careful and stable. Sometimes they may be overly critical, even bossy, but this is because they have a strong desire to achieve their goals, not because they are rude. In fact, they are generally polite because they understand that making enemies will not help them achieve anything in life. They tend to be multitalented, both in scientific and creative endeavors. They are unique and rebellious, driven to change the world. Their freedom is important to them, and they are often driven to help others become free as well.

In their leisure time, Capricorn/Aquarians enjoy competition with others. They enjoy both team sports and one-on-one competition. They are quite the social animals and often have a fondness for conversation, as long as it has intellectual depth and meaning. The great strength of the Capricorn/Aquarius is in their ability to set goals and keep working until they achieve them. Their ambition is inexhaustible, and they are not easily deterred when their goals are in sight. Their visionary nature makes them people who take the world to the next level; they make others see things in a new light. Their ability to break the rules and move beyond what others think is possible makes them one of the most innovative and hard working characters of the zodiac.

Freestyle Translated

2008-12-03T17:06:00.000-06:00

It All Makes Sense Now...

2008-12-02T15:31:00.001-06:00

I stumbled across this on youtube.

Bad Poetry #24

2008-12-01T16:52:00.001-06:00

After seeing a beautiful pregnant woman I didn't know - by me

I see her there both ugly and beautiful.
I don’t know her, I just know her type.
I see her there—her belly a fleshy tool.
She just sits there, pretending to be ripe.

I whisper...

She looks gross to thee like a cookie-cutter dream.
Blasphemy! they yell onto me with pointed fingers.
She’s penetrated by a seed, built for some overseers scheme.
I like the lonely...and how my death lingers.

A Weird IM Conversation By Two Anonymous Dorks

2008-12-01T15:52:00.003-06:00

3:31 PM
If you get a chance, there's a docmumentary on the border war that's been running on metrosports
it's like 2 hours long and covers the civil war history, the two schools, etc. its awesome

sounds awesome. not sure they could tell much more than what I already know.

The best part about is the stories and opinions from both sides.

yeah

it makes a good point of showing that neither side is right or wrong
they also get into the 1960 football game controversy, which is always interesting.

Yeah, except slaves are wrong.

Well, they were actually a "neutral" state. But a lot of the people who made the history had more southern ideals. They even get into how Quantrill was a jayhawker before he became famous for being a missourian

awwwwwe revisionist history. Tell that to the confederate troops that fought for the confederacy and the kansas troops that fought for the union.
I reenacted under the 8th Kansas.

Ya. But I think that the Missourians hate being associated with slavery, when very few people had them (compared to say, Alabama).
And there were also slaves in Kansas too. But we fought on the Union side. So we get the more positive reputation

That's like saying I had nothing to do with the holocaust because we had only one extermination camp in our area. Your still fighting on the side with the wrong ideals. right?

Ya. But I always felt the whole "slave" argument was lame. Especially since it was everywhere in the U.S. at that time.
Here's the site for that documentary: http://www.borderwarrivalry.com/
I'm not sure when it will be on again

succession came from the idea that slave labor was going to get abolished.

3:40 PM
Slaves in the south were not treated the same as slaves in the north

"Yeah, except slaves are wrong."

yep. and the south relied more heavily on them. so the north was willing to get rid of that idea of slavery but south "economically" had a harder time giving it up.
I understand both sides but damn, people needed to make a change and some chose to make that change and some chose to fight against it.

Ya. The weird thing about the whole Border War and the conflicts really had very little to do with slavery at all. It all veiled behind that, but it's not really the big reason. As Eddie Izzard said, "We just hate the people right next to us."

It all started when jethro lit some dog poop on Jebadiah's front porch.
lets go grab some sharp objects and settle this out in the parking lot.

Pretty much. Kansans burning down Osceola, and Missourians burning down Lawrence weren't thinking about equality when that happened. They were thinking, "FUCK THESE GUYS. WE'RE TOTALLY GONNA GET LAID WHEN WE GET HOME."

yep. and those confederate bitches got laid by their wives, slaves and farm animals. haha!

Bio

2008-12-01T09:22:00.001-06:00

TG "Tommy Gun" Watkins was born the son of a mass murdering gangster in 1908. By the age of 18 he was a promising bootlegger and hit-man in his own right. His affection for beautiful blondes was only dismissed by his love for his Thompson sub-machine gun he named "Gertrude". His downfall came when he overstepped his bounds and started encroaching on Al "Scarface" Capone's territory. This happened when several of Capone's men were shot in cold blood while making a money transfer in downtown Kansas City. It is said that TG was shot down in a hail of gunfire near Kansas City's freight district but not after he took out 27 of Capone's best men including, Rudy "The Rat" Rigglio and Samson "Shooter" Samuels. TG being the libertine he was is said to still haunt only the best places of Kansas City, and only the few get to indulge in the excesses with such a muse.

Thanksgiving 2008

2008-11-30T17:41:00.004-06:00

There are many things I'm thankful for:
I have a job
My family is healthy
I have great friends
I have a new place I'm going to move into
I'm starting to allow myself to open up to the idea of a real relationship.
My awesome little brother
My KU Jayhawks
My awesome stories

...and Turkey Bowl X

And I'm most thankful that I'm so happy and willing to experience new things and people everyday. Life is good right now.

Bad Poetry #76

2008-11-29T23:28:00.004-06:00

Nesting - by me

You said we're moving too fast and you're just having fun,
but when you awaken I've mistaken your eyes for the sun.
You stab me to stop your own bleeding pain,
please pull the knife so we can push it again.

Please stay with me and I'll promise you gold,
I lied again are you feeling sold?
Leave me now we have nothing more to say,
she hurts me because she's on my thoughts every damn day.

She's too young to know what I can be,
this thing that we have is killing me.
I'll push you away and turn feelings to stone,
I was happier when I was colder and alone.

Get outta my head you beautiful girl,
I've opened your shell and now I want your pearl.
Get outta my mind you wonderful thing,
who asked you to make my deaf heart sing?

Who asked you to pretty up my house of sorrow,
you leave me alive and alone in the leaves of tomorrow.
I was a better man when I was easier to hate,
fuck you all and I curse fate.

The snow is here and ready to fall,
for many women nesting is their call.
Thank you for letting me see,
all the amazing love that's still inside me.

You Only Meant Well?

2008-11-25T09:33:00.000-06:00

2:45 mark and on—sooooooooo good.

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did you say?

Hide and Seek ~ Imogen Heap
Uploaded by Cehcw

COLORS

2008-11-24T23:33:00.002-06:00

When you walk into my new place think... Sweet green grapes as you're entertained in the living room. Clean your palette with a fine merlot as you paint wonderful things. Lastly, as you move into the chocolate covered bedroom think of how sweet it's going to be.

Lonesome Cities

2008-11-23T22:17:00.005-06:00

A beautiful girl woke up in my arms one morning not too long ago. She peered over to my bookshelf and read aloud one of the book's titles that was sitting on the middle shelf. She didn't know it but it was one of the most important books on my bookshelf. She said in a curious voice, "Lonesome Cities". I sighed a deep breath and whispered, "yeah". I proceeded to look into the ceiling remembering all those emotions that came with those words. The book of poems by Rod Mckuen was given to me by my wizened, old, navy grandfather. He had me read it when I was young and I could only understand a part of what the message was. He gave it to me again this last April and told me to read it with open eyes. I understand now. I'm on a journey of self discovery but now my journey needs to start taking a different path. I need to find that 'city' that has enough room for me and feels like home so I never have to be lonely again. I've gotten tired of traveling through these cities only to be there for one night and then moving on. I've got my stories. I've had my fun. Lets try living somewhere now. Here is the last page of the book.

There's a few more lonesome cities
that I'd like to see
while the wine of wandering
is still inside of me.

There's a few more pretty women
that I'd like to know,
a bridge or two I'd like to cross,
a few more oats to sow.

Maybe when I've done it all,
seen all there is to see,
I'll find out I still cannot
run away from me.

But as long as trains keep running'
a restless man I'll be,
and there're a few more lonesome cities
that I've yet to see.

Lost Wallet

2008-11-21T11:33:00.002-06:00

I'm never drinking wine again... blegh. I'm not even a big fan but I definitely don't know how much is too much when it comes to wine. I'm glad I was smart enough to get a cab and I'm glad I feel fine in the morning and am fine at work. However, I lost my wallet from the cab to my bed and I can't find it anywhere. bummer. I'm not a big fan of alcohol period but wine has always been my evil nemesis. Fuck Beaujolais Nouveau.

YAY! My Own Place!

2008-11-20T15:29:00.007-06:00

This will be the first time I've ever lived alone and I'm excited. I've already been picking out paint swatches and everything. Also, I said to myself... "Self, I have a dining room area but I've always hated dining room tables." So instead of a dining room, I'm now going to have an painting room! It's my place after all, right? It's approximately 800 square feet. New hardwoods, new kitchen, new bathroom and very nice. And it's only $475 a month! That means I can easily save for a down payment on a really cool place later on, which is my goal. Here are some pics.

Yeah... I'm Bored

2008-11-17T15:47:00.002-06:00

Some of the best lyrics I've ever heard.

"I hit the bar every night
looking to score a good time
Its not like I planned it
Left empty handed
Cause I'm still alone in my mind"

Found in this song.

If I Haven't Convinced You Yet.

2008-11-17T15:32:00.002-06:00

This is a fantastic album. I was talking to a friend and she mentioned how much she liked this song. I agreed. I will also take credit for introducing this album to her. Why? because I fucking know what I'm talking about!

My Heart Is Pounding

2008-11-14T09:32:00.000-06:00

nuff said.

Don't You See the Sea? It's Right There.

2008-11-12T13:36:00.006-06:00

I'm lost in my own imagination right now. I'm off daydreaming of adventures and fantasies in my mind. I have fables and myths to tell you. In time they will sail across the illuminated pixels of this screen. The work day is merely a facade for a dreamer that dreams his life in other times and sits still, looking into a monitor. The monitor is a mirror of our souls as it collects or discards our minutes of life. Our eyes only see half of what they used to. Why? We leave a portion of our memories embedded on these deceptive screens.

How I wish I were on a ship right now sailing in a warm breeze heading to anywhere that might look like a beautiful painting. Like the ones I see at art fairs. Instead, I fall into a sleep so that I may dream of it. What is this? When I dream lately I smell a sweet smell aboard this ship. I smile.

Click on these songs. Listen. What do you see, smell, hear in your mind. Do you feel it?

Apparently this artists music is hard to find online for previewing so this is the best i can do. However, you can purchase on itunes.

Pretty Ploughboy - Eliza Carthy seventh one down and then click on the play button.

Eliza Carthy - Rolling Sea

Madagascar 2 and Tuesday Boozeday

2008-11-11T15:24:00.002-06:00

Here it is... another exciting Tuesday! I looked at some apartments today and i fell in love with one in particular. I'm taking my little brother from 'Big Brothers Big Sisters' to go see Madagascar 2. He deserves it because I just found out from his mom that he received 7 A's and 5 B's! What a smart guy. Makes me wonder how many classes he's taking though? After that it's another Tuesday Boozeday starting at 9 at re:Verse on the Plaza. I'm hoping we get a good crowd and I'd like to see you swing by there sometime.

Good Morning (love)

2008-11-09T19:52:00.003-06:00

How is this not the greatest love song in the world? Oh wait... it is. I'll even post the lyrics. Enjoy everyone and if you have someone you can wake up to in the morning... smile, laugh, hug, kiss and tell them good morning. It is the greatest feeling in the world.

Good morning,
Good morning love,
It's my favorite love song,
I waited all night long,

Before you get into the shower,
Before you worry about your hair,
Baby give me one more hour,
I want you to stay right there,
I dont wanna lose a moment,
I dont wanna miss a kiss,
If i could plan the perfect day, love,
Then i would start it just like this,

Good morning,
Good morning love,
It's my favorite love song,
I waited all night long,
For morning,
Good morning love
Before we start the day dear,
Im whispering in your ear,
Good morning.

Now baby how can i convince you,
I'll make it so you can't resist,
Whatever else you have to do now,
It can't be half as good as this,
I'll chase you underneath the sheets, love,
And i won't let you get away,
The day won't be complete, love,
Unless we get a chance to say,

Good morning,
Good morning love,
It's my favorite love song,
I waited all night long,
For morning,
Good morning love
Before we start the day dear,
Im whispering in your ear,
Good morning.

Open your eyes,
See my sunrise,
I feel you're skin,
So warm inside,
Day breaks so sweet,
When you're next to me,
So stay every night,
So each morning will be,

Good morning,
Good morning love,
It's my favorite love song,
I waited all night long,
For morning,
Good morning love
Before we start the day dear,
Im whispering in your ear,
Good morning.

Let's get lost together,
I will smile forever,
Was morning

Give Me The Green Light

2008-11-07T11:35:00.002-06:00

I give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to music. Why? because I like everything. My itunes could be playing anything from Coldplay to Brittany Spears to 2pac to Korn to Led Zepplin. I love it all—except for Jesse's girl by that Rick guy. I have let others poke fun at my playlists and i laugh with them and shrug it off. Music can tell you a lot about someone's personality and I hope mine shows the willingness for diversity and expression. However, I will not let anyone make fun of John Legend. Perhaps one of the most talented artists of our time he transcends pop, hip hop and jazz. He is the ultimate musician. John, having just released his third album just keeps evolving. I pity you if you don't like him and that is the only time I'll make that statement because for the most part your music is whatever it needs to be for you.

John Legend - Green Light [New] - kewego
John Legend - Green Light

Mots-clés : video mtv jazz clip music groove light new john green legend base 2008 estelle nu soul outkast andre3000

Video de brownsugar18

How About An Update On Me

2008-11-03T18:31:00.003-06:00

I've been really busy so I haven't had very many chances to update my blog. I've made many new friends and some have blossomed into close relationships and some haven't. I'm pretty sure that I told myself I was ready to jump into a relationship early after my divorce but now I realize I didn't need that. I have my moments of loneliness but for the most part I've felt pretty good being on my own. The best is for the first time in my life I only have to look out for myself. I don't have to constantly worry about another person. While this may sound selfish I believe it's an important step to knowing who you really are. For pretty much all my adult life my identity wasn't just me. It was me and my girlfriend or me and my fiancé or me and my wife. That can really lead to not understanding ones self and achieving happiness.

I love to go out but lately I've started to enjoy doing other things. I'm painting and writing. I'm reading some new books and just really trying to breathe right now. Life is a journey and I feel like I'm just starting mine. I've pushed away potential relationships because I felt like I could've fallen in love. Instead, I pursued other relationships I knew wouldn't work. My brain was definitely trying to tell me something. It was telling me that I didn't need that right now. My brain was telling me to just enjoy things the way they are. It's funny but now I'm starting to figure out what I want. Now I just have fun without any pressure because I'm happy no matter what. I'm going to do big things and it's going to be phenomenal.

I recently had a string of financial bad luck but there are so many worse things out there. I just wish more people around me could be positive. I wish people were happier. I just wish sometimes people could see everything through my eyes and they'd realize just how amazing everything is. Maybe... one day. Go Obama!

Beginning of the End

2008-11-03T10:44:00.002-06:00

Saturday night I ended up playing an awesome game of Balderdash. Basically there are several categories such as dates, peoples names, movie titles and words. When you get a date, name etc... you write down a creative or funny answer to what or who it might be and then people guess. I absolutely loved one of the written answers given by a guy we were playing with and it went like this...

Category: Movie Title

Beginning of the End -

Best buddies Jim & Fred dress up in a two man horse costume for a vaudevillian act. One night Fred "the head" stops suddenly creating a serious issue for both men.

Brilliant!!! I voted for it!

Actual movie premise "Reporter, military officer and scientist discover the complete destruction of a small town was caused by giant grasshoppers, accidently enlarged by the scientist's experimenting with radioactive material at a nearby agricultural research project."

I'm also currently watching an english six episode TV show called "Piece of Cake". A fantastic show about English Spitfire pilots during WWII. The show premiered in 1988 and wasn't popular amongst the masses due to the realistic nature of the characters. The men are all conflicted and some of the pilots are just assholes. It wasn't popular but I find the show fantastic.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

2008-10-31T09:39:00.004-05:00

I've recently been taking a lot of personality tests online and this was a neat one. Not sure I find the answer flattering but I don't put too much stock in these things.

Happiness Can Sometimes Start With Our Inner Child

2008-10-21T10:52:00.002-05:00

NOW...
Close your email, step away from the phone and get away from all things grown uppy.
Every once and awhile we need to remember simpler times. We need to be innocent and we need to be kids again. Every once and awhile we need to get lost in our imagination and we need to find ourselves. My dad used to sing this to me when I was young and it was a very popular song back in his day. I hope everyone is having a good day and this helps put it over the top!

Honeycut - Check them out.

2008-10-07T10:27:00.002-05:00

I love the sound and song. Good Stuff. Listen to this first one.

I Guess I Should Lay Low For Awhile

2008-10-02T12:45:00.002-05:00

but that's not my style. Haha. Some friends of mine found this today and we all find it hilarious. I can't tell by the tone whether it was written in jest, sincerity...? I'll take it as a compliment. For the record I've never submitted these photos for modeling purposes but I do put them on INK.com. Why? because I sincerely want INK and my friends that work there to have a successful publication in Kansas City. Anyways, check out what this person has to say about 'me' and hopefully you'll chuckle like me.

Zoolander

A Perfect Day for Bananafish

2008-09-26T16:09:00.002-05:00

Kanye's Love Lockdown Hits Itunes

2008-09-18T10:47:00.002-05:00

Not only was it just released on Itunes but it's is getting mad props. Reviewers who score this new jam high, range from the Ye faithful to the haters... they all agree that this tune is chart bustin'. So buy it and enjoy!

Love Lockdown

2008-09-16T16:05:00.003-05:00

Saw this on the VMA's and thought to myself... Ye, you a genius. This is obviously a rough version but when this single drops it's going to blow up. The lyrics are... well... believable.

Love Lockdown (live) - Kanye West

Kanye West "Love Lockdown"

Verse:
I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
So you never know, never never know,
Never know enough, 'til it's over love
'Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin' "No! No! No! N-No!"
I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know

Chorus:
So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

Verse:
I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself, and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when I'm on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did I tell ya fo it finally got through
You lose, you lose
I'm not lovin' you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life
We're just wastin' time, where's the finish line

Chorus:
So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

Verse:
I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I bet no one knew, I got no one new
I know I said I'm through, but got love for you
But I'm not lovin' you, the way I wanted to
Gotta keep it goin', keep the lovin' goin'
Keep it on a roll, only God knows
If I be with you, baby I'm confused
You choose, you choose
I'm not lovin' you, the way I wanted to
Where I wanna go, I don't need you
I've been down this road, too many times before
I'm not lovin' you, the way I wanted to

Chorus:
So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose, you lose
You lose, you lose
You lose

When Art Is Too Good

2008-09-15T15:07:00.003-05:00

This collection of photographs was so heavy I had to take a break in the middle of them and collect myself. I'm starting you off on the first photograph. Make sure and read the caption below each image. The next button is located above each image.

http://www.pulitzer.org/archives/5624

Lets Dance In The Rain

2008-09-14T19:09:00.002-05:00

In that moment, as the zeroes played, as my feet were drowned in water, as the rain poured harder on me... I was in my element. What's my element? My element is being in control of me. My element is making the most of every situation. If your party is hit by a fucking hurricane then dance in it. My element is spontaneous... so what that my football team just lost, I'm going to run under a waterfall, kick your ass at wii tennis and eat a slice of pizza dripping wet... all while smiling. In one night I felt I'm no longer searching for the new me. I was here all along, it just needed to be acted upon. So the question is... Will 'you' dance with me in the rain?

In INK again!

2008-09-11T14:13:00.000-05:00

Check out page 47 of this weeks INK magazine. TG Design!

Big Brothers and Big Sisters!

2008-09-09T11:47:00.002-05:00

A big party is being held by bbbs to help get the word out and hopefully recruit some newbies. I can take three people so let me know if you're interested in checking it out.

Johnny Hates Jazz

2008-09-08T14:09:00.000-05:00

Anyone remember this? So awesome... I love it!

I Agree and That Reminds Me of a Little Crush I Have

2008-09-05T11:25:00.003-05:00

anonymous said—

"i do like the line.. but would you honestly wanna hook up with a girl/guy who has no fashion sense of her own (and that means boring, conformist, no creativity, label whore) and just bought everything off the mannequin? those outfits look like what cool girls already wear.. i advocate mixing designer and vintage- winner!"

I completely agree... I like the layered look as if they had just put it all together not necessarily that it was straight off the mannequin. One of my favorite things to do is mix and match colors. With that being said... I'll admit I have a crush. I go to ALDO on the plaza to get my shoes. I like ALDO but I wouldn't necessarily go there all the time if i didn't have a huge crush on one of the staff there. She has the most amazing fashion sense and is gorgeous. I think she might even be a manager or assistant manager. Isn't that funny how we have crushes on people like that and that someone might have a crush on you and you don't even realize. Anyways, I love the comment.

Register to VOTE people!

2008-09-04T15:40:00.001-05:00

I'm giving you a link to a form for you to register and it only takes five minutes. http://www.rockthevote.org/rtv_register.html?ms=rtv.com-homebutton

The Fall 2008 Rugby Collection

2008-09-02T22:58:00.008-05:00

I love this Ralph Lauren Rugby fall line. I love everything about it. I'm going to by some and go broke. If I saw a girl wearing these fashionable outfits... I would ask her to marry me on the spot. That's how much I love fashion. Check the video out and you'll see what I'm talking about. As a note... we tend to look down on popped collars, I to look down on the popped collar. However, understand your trends. The popped collar originated with the Tennis shirt as a functional thing to do to keep the sun off the back of your neck. The function of the upturned collar was the further used in polo and rugby. The collars were upturned for function not fashion. Somehow that fad was brought back in the early part of the millennium and the reasoning lost.

http://www.rugby.com/

Wear it like you breathe it.

I'm A Big!

2008-08-27T11:03:00.002-05:00

I joined Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Kansas City about a month ago and made it through all the check processes in flying colors. I'm so excited to be a big brother! I now have three profiles to chose from. I encourage anyone to do this especially men because there are two hundred boys on the waiting list in my area alone. I'm keeping everything private but I have to say after reading one of the profiles I was in tears. These kids need us so bad.

sick

2008-08-26T16:22:00.000-05:00

I ate some bad middle eastern food yesterday. blegh. Terrorists win.

John McCan't

2008-08-25T16:07:00.001-05:00

Some fun factoids about John McCain:

John McCain voted against establishing a national holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Now he says his position has "evolved," yet he's continued to oppose key civil rights laws.

According to Bloomberg News, McCain is more hawkish than Bush on Iraq, Russia and China. Conservative columnist Pat Buchanan says McCain "will make Cheney look like Gandhi."

His reputation is built on his opposition to torture, but McCain voted against a bill to ban waterboarding, and then applauded President Bush for vetoing that ban.

McCain opposes a woman's right to choose. He said, "I do not support Roe versus Wade. It should be overturned."4
The Children's Defense Fund rated McCain as the worst senator in Congress for children. He voted against the children's health
care bill last year, then defended Bush's veto of the bill.

He's one of the richest people in a Senate filled with millionaires. The Associated Press reports he and his wife own at least eight homes! Yet McCain says the solution to the housing crisis is for people facing foreclosure to get a "second job" and skip their vacations.

Many of McCain's fellow Republican senators say he's too reckless to be commander in chief. One Republican senator said: "The thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine. He's erratic. He's hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me."

McCain talks a lot about taking on special interests, but his campaign manager and top advisers are actually lobbyists. The government watchdog group Public Citizen says McCain has 59 lobbyists raising money for his campaign, more than any of the other presidential candidates.

McCain has sought closer ties to the extreme religious right in recent years. The pastor McCain calls his "spiritual guide," Rod Parsley, believes America's founding mission is to destroy Islam, which he calls a "false religion." McCain sought the political support of right-wing preacher John Hagee, who believes Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment for gay rights and called the Catholic Church "the Antichrist" and a "false cult."

He positions himself as pro-environment, but he scored a 0—yes, zero—from the League of Conservation Voters last year.

John McCain is not who the Washington press corps make him out to be. Please help get the word out.

Electric Six

2008-08-21T23:21:00.002-05:00

Get to know them because they are awesome! These songs/videos are awesome. On infected girls notice the singer getting blown on the steps at the :56 mark. Hilarious.

Writhing In Excruciating Pain

2008-08-11T15:35:00.004-05:00

I was just leaning back in my chair thinking about my current home page design for a project I'm currently working. I was listening to some random song on my itunes list. The song had a heavy beat which I was enjoying in the form of me flicking my chair. Do to my sprawled out, laid back posture, I was flicking in a location I would consider a softer portion of the chair. The location of the chair I was continually flicking laid in between my legs near my groin area. I have no idea why I chose this spot in particular but had someone walked by it might have looked a bit strange. However, that is what I was doing as I was lost in my creative coma.

Perhaps it was the forward rocking motion or the snap out of my coma but my arm spazzed and before I could pull away, my finger plunged deep into my right testicle. Owwwwwe! I screamed in my head as i doubled over. Yes, not one of my finer moments. My stomach immediately had that dropping feeling you get while on a roller coaster as well as a sharp pain in the tender area. I grabbed my crotch and immediately put my head down hoping to perform some miracle through inconsistent breathing techniques. With teared up eyes and a sore right testes I'm befuddled as to how this came to pass. I'm probably just unlucky but this kinda' stuff happens to me all the time. I'll laugh about it later and repeat the story to my friends so they can make fun of me but for right now I'm wishing they had a non-sexual occupational therapy facility for testicular trauma. If I walk funny you know why.

Don't Even Trip

2008-08-11T14:34:00.002-05:00

Someone comes to mind when I listen to this song.

Dont Even Trip (Feat. Amon Tobin) - Peeping Tom

Peeping Tom - Don't Even Trip

i think you're old enough to know better
but i'm old enough to remember
(don't even trip........)
i won't use that stupid boy forever
(cross your heart and hope to die)

don't even trip,
don't get too big for your britches
(don't even trip........)
all these bones been jumping out of your closet
(you're not in your closet yet)
so blasé,
don't turn and look the other way
(you wanna be a star)
you want to be a star
you're oh so near, yet oh so far

(don't even trip........)

you'll be back inside before the winter
on that long, long trip before december
(don't even trip........)
don't be throwing stones at the window
(lock in peace and close your house?)

don't even trip,
don't get too big for your britches
(don't even trip........)
all these bones been jumping out of your closet
(you're not in your closet yet)
so blasé,
don't turn and look the other way
(you've gotta have it all)
you've got to have it all
you're oh so near, yet oh so far

And i know that arseholes grow on trees but i'm here to trim the leaves
and i'm afraid
daddy you're still my friend
and you're just a piece of shit
but i can over-look it today
'cause you're still my friend

(don't even trip........)

drop that gun, you aren't my fuckn hero
(don't even trip........)
you think its cool to be a fuckn zero
i can't believe i called you my amigo
(take a deep breath you'll be fine)

speek up now
and one of you is a hundred loud?
(when you preach you come off?)
when you preach,
they'll join you on the roofs and streets
(like crystal clear)
crystal clear,
i'm hanging like a chandelier
(watching over you)
watching over you,
i'll move you from a song to tears

and i know that arseholes grow on trees
but i'm going to trim the leaves
and i can say
daddy you're still my friend
and you're still a piece of shit but i can over-look it today
'cause you're still my friend
and i know that arseholes grow on trees
but i'm here to trim the leaves
and i'm afraid
are you still my friend?
and you're still a piece of shit but i can look the other way
'cause you're still my friend
(don't even trip........)

i like this too!

2008-08-09T15:18:00.003-05:00

I love that all I have to write about right now is that I went and saw American Teen which was an excellent film! I played some Rock Band and enjoyed some wine last night. I had fun.

Today Was a Good Day

2008-08-05T23:15:00.003-05:00

A quick update. Things have been going well for me. My mom is still in and out of the hospital and in great pain but I visit her when i can and try to not let it confuse me. She's not dying but seeing her like that, in pain and in the hospital bed makes me think of death. I think about if she were to die and how upset that would make me. It tends to make me upset and so then I try not to think of her death. A vicious cycle our minds can go into. I'm in control of my life and that makes me really happy. I have some cool opportunities coming my way and can't wait to take them. I'm a little burnt out at work but it's nothing a vacation couldn't fix. Everything seems to be in order... like the quite before the storm. I love my friends. Cheers to the good life!

adios!

Today was a good day - Ice Cube

Center Of The Sun

2008-07-29T12:24:00.004-05:00

A very beautiful song. I hope you like it as much as I do. The artist is Conjure One but it features one of my favorite singers Poe. If you like the original version there is an even better ten minute version at the bottom of the post. The Solarstone remix is better I think.

Center Of The Sun - Conjure One

Conjure One - Center Of The Sun

Young girl in the market
Music to the men
When the men leave
Her eyes are red
When her eyes are closed again she sees the dark market of above

And she sings
'They say the most horrible things
But I hear violins, when I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done'

Young boy in the market
Follows all the men
When the men leave
He's out of his head
When his eyes are closed again he sees the dark market of above

And he sings
'They break the most beautiful things
But I hear violins, when I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done
I look into your eyes
And I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done'

Center of the sun

Young boy in the market
Sees the girl alone
And asks her
'Have you lost your way home?'
She sings
'You say the most beautiful things, just like my violins'

I look into your eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

When I close my eyes
I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt
By anything this wicked world has done

'Cause
I hear violins
I hear violins

I hear violins
I hear violins

Center of the sun

I hear ...violins
Center of the Sun(Solarstones Chilled Out Remix) - Conjure One

My Blog In A Typographic Collage

2008-07-28T15:00:00.002-05:00

Gibberish

2008-07-27T01:37:00.002-05:00

An empty wine bottle and an obvious ambitious allure can create a somewhat turbulent lifestyle. Perhaps a piercing rhythm of time and punctuation can cure the timely punctuation? The madhouse is full of lollipop cindery, can the sugar crush—crush the sugar rush? Perhaps Jacks' bean stalk stalks the gray haired man's prophetic tales of metal rails? Fortune be told of a man who be both young and old, shall his shit hold water or the water hold his shit? Give me four steps toward the door or have the door take two steps towards the harpy inside. Sinners be warm with Belial's cross to wear and sin be warmer lying in her curly blonde hair. Gibberish is but a tongue we use so that snakes may shudder at the sight of our existence and pay pennies to our orbs that hold future's intent. I raise a glass to those that have made me what i am and in your praise I turn my back and spout this hymn. blah blah blah blah blah blah... Get lost in yourself and you'll find where maggots go to feast on shit and there you'll be reborn a larger maggot known only by the name... sheep!

busy

2008-07-22T22:49:00.003-05:00

I'm really busy right now. I'm taking a few days off. However, the greatest graphic novel if not one of the top fifty pieces of literature ever produced is now a movie trailer. Enjoy!

Who watches the Watchmen?

An Update!

2008-07-18T12:15:00.002-05:00

Megan, aka Crazy Bitch from my previous posts is going to be sending me a check for the taxi service and this ruined shirt.

If You Had One Question To Ask, What Would It Be?

2008-07-16T21:28:00.007-05:00

I know some people are expecting part II, and you will get it. However, this is my blog and therefore I get to write whatever I want whenever I want. I felt like writing about the subject called love.

Most people if asked, if you could have one question answered above all others what would it be? That question for most would be... Is there a god or is there life after death? To me I've always found that that would be the last question I'd ask. I care about what I do with my time here on earth and if something happens after that... I believe my positive energy will find its way to a happier place. Do I stare at the stars as one big giant puzzle, yes. I stare so much so that my heart hurts and I have a brief period of what I can only describe as vertigo. I sometimes feel that if there is a god... we just might be his/hers/its hardest puzzle. Why? Because of the real question:

What is love?

Love has been described as the neural equivalent of cocaine addiction—that our brain stimulates certain parts of itself with chemicals and gives us a false sense of euphoria. The euphoric state is to help us look past certain flaws in a long term mate for the short term so that we get excitable and look to reproduce. This is what we describe as the honeymoon phase. In short our bodies fool us with a false sense of happiness so we can fulfill our destiny by producing offspring. Bummer... if you look at it that way.

Love? What the hell is it? Perhaps it's the universes way of helping us find that special someone that can help us heal our wounds. Does certain forces outside our control move us like pawns in order to find that someone that can understand us in ways no other could?

Perhaps... we are like pebbles in a stream bumping into each other until we nest into a groove that causes us to be stationary. Over and over again I've thought I've found love but I lie to myself too easily. Sometimes that which we want so badly can cause us to be blind to the truth that it isn't there. I was comfortable in my marriage and I had everything. I was free to be pleasured anytime I wanted, I was cared for and I was loved. I still wasn't happy. Why? I wasn't in love. It took me eight years to understand that my eyes were bigger. I see the world in a way I wish I could give to others, like some black rimmed antique pair of glasses. Those that are closest to me understand this. I have the uncanny knack of listening, learning and just loving and it draws people to me. It pushes those that don't understand it to bullying me. I feel pity for them. All you have to do is love and you'll be rewarded in ways you can't even imagine.

But what is love and why haven't I found it? I'll find it when my pebble stops moving... it might never stop but I have a feeling it will. It'll stop for someone that has big eyes, someone that shares their love openly without judging or ridiculing. It'll stop for someone who is amazed everyday that they are alive and notices the sun beating on their skin and the smell of flowers in the air. It'll stop for an optimist and a dreamer, someone with an imagination to lead and a heart to follow.

Lastly, what is love? Love is the biggest mystery us as a species will always be trying to find the answer to. Love is looking into his or her eyes ten, twenty, thirty years down the life line and knowing that the happiest day of your life is ten, twenty, thirty years later when you have to say goodbye and your last wish before you pass on is to look into your loves eyes one more time.

Not 100% True

2008-07-15T09:46:00.003-05:00

I'm still learning as i go with this whole blogging thing. I should've mentioned before my last post that the "V is for Virginity and Valium" post is only partially a memory from the experience. I really only remember a few bits and pieces being it was so long ago and I assumed readers would understand by all the jokes that it was more of a humorous essay about the situation for people. I apologize if you read it and took it for the full representation of the moment. I've had a lot of people confide in me their "V" story and couldn't help but notice a common thread of insecurity and uncomfortableness. I think those feelings should be replaced with laughter and humor about the situation... just my opinion. While several of the details are true and the overall theme is consistent with my memory there are parts that have been exaggerated. Apparently this blog is important enough that it requires an explanation like this one. I will preface any future posts that aren't 100% true with just that statement. This series was first branching out into this kinda' exaggerated writing. After a talk with some friends i felt it was important I notify readers of it.

I apologize for not letting my readers know up front.

V is for Virginity and Valium (Part I)

2008-07-13T19:21:00.003-05:00

For some it's not easy to talk about losing your virginity. For others it's hard to tell the story without feeling awkward and wondering if you fit into the social norms of the situation. For everyone whether you were married or thirteen it's just an uncomfortably weird but exciting experience. The subject of losing ones virginity due to rape is a different post for a different time. For the most part we all fit in the fun but awkward category. Most people wish they knew back then what they know now. I'm the first to admit that I knew nothing of a girls body (clitoris... wink, wink) before I had started perusing the female terrain. Most guys don't and that is why a girl with good teaching skills can be really effective in the beginning. Not sure why I prefaced these posts with this paragraph but who cares?

I was talking to someone today and i had mentioned that my favorite holiday was halloween. I thought to myself that it had always been my favorite holiday since I was a kid, probably cause I have a terrible sweet tooth. That's when i remembered something I hadn't thought about in years. I remembered that i lost my virginity on Halloween—during the original Friday the 13th movie. My first time was a little awkward but i assume most peoples are. I was so nervous about doing everything right, mostly about getting the condom on and it was hard to well... keep it hard (I'll explain in more detail). I suggest that if you are a coworker of mine gather others around and read this aloud... cause this shits fuckin' funny. This is why they either call me brave or stupid.

I'll set the scene. I'm at my girlfriend at the times parents house. She had just put her brother to bed. We were in the living room fooling around on the floor under some blankets when I asked her if she wanted to do "it". "It" has got to be the most ambiguous word in the english language yet we all know what it means in this situation. She said yes (not an answer I was used to getting) and then she asked me if I had protection. I reassured her that I had a very good protection spell I could use being that I was a level 22 wizard in our local D&D club. Not the best joke for the occasion. Fortunately, for some reason in high school you actually would carry a condom in your wallet. It's so tacky but it worked out for me that night, to bad it was handed down to me by my father and dated 1978. I believe it even had Barry Gibb giving a thumbs up on the package... maybe not. We both took our pants and thongs completely off. This is where it got difficult. Apparently, you have to be a magician the first time you try to put a condom on. We had no bananas at my school and if you've never practiced putting a condom on at that age it's no fun. First... it was inside out (sigh) then... I didn't squeeze the tip (double sigh) next... I'm getting worried and well that just doesn't help anything. After a couple of minutes of playing what the hell is this torture device known as a rubber I was having a difficult time standing to attention. After a couple more minutes and of course waking her back up I was finally able to get the glove on. She did however tell me that next time I was going to have to figure it out without the use of duct tape. Now I was standing tall and ready for my journey into manhood.

to be continued...

ABC's

2008-07-13T02:06:00.003-05:00

I stole this from pensive. It's contagious.

A is for age. I'm a 22 year old stuck in a handsome 28 year olds body.
B is for Burger of Choice. Texas Road House or Westport Flea Market... I like bacon more than the burger actually.
C is for Car. 2008 Toyota FJ Cruiser. One of GQ's top three retro vehicles.
D is for daughters. I'll be such a "daddy's girl" but that's a little ways off.
E is for essential item you use every day. My heart, without it I'd be lost.
F is for favorite tv show. Transformers
G is for groceries. I'm a PB&J kinda guy but I love fixing tacos and I make a really good mostacolli!
H is for how often you embarrass yourself. I don't get embarrassed anymore because I would never come out of the house if I did.
I is for ice cream. chocolate with chocolate chips or brownie with chocolate syrup. Did I mention i love chocolate?
J is for juice. I'm going to go with my daily dose of Propel fitness water for this one. Wait... I LOVE grapefruit juice!
K is for kids. Closest thing is me joining Big Brothers Big Sisters.
L is for Lipstick. My lips rock without it... plus I'm a dude.
M is for Mexican food. Can anyone say Jose Peppers? I love guacamole.
N is for number of piercings. I used to have 4 earrings but they jingled during sex so now i just have 2.
O is for Optometry. I wear glasses when i drive at night.
P is for People You Were With Today. Me, myself, and I... so far.
Q is for Quiet Time. I just got back into painting.
R is for Biggest Regret. Getting married knowing I didn't lover her anymore.
S is for sports you play. Golf, Basketball, anything...
T is for tattoo. I'm still working on it.
U is for what is unique about you. I have a different view of everything. I guess i zag when everyone zigs.
V is for Vegetables you Love. Carrots!!! My grandma used to call me Bugs from bugs bunny.
W is for Worst Habit. clothes shopping!
X is for number of x rays. Like twelve.
Y is for Yummy Food you ate today. Nothing today. But anything from La Bodega is good!
Z is for Zodiac. Capricorn but I hate being defined by only certain attributes—there are things about me that fit in all the zodiac.

Everlast

2008-07-11T09:58:00.006-05:00

Kick on your Itunes and sample the songs I mention in this post. You might just like what you hear.

I went through some older cd's and found all three of my Everlast albums. Most people remember "What it's like" a socially conscious song that came out during the rise of the backstreet boys, brittany spears and n*sync. I bought "Whitey Ford Sings The Blues" and instantly gravitated to the bluesy sound. I was not a big fan of his rap skills but could look past that. Eat at Whitey's came out a few years later. It was a descent album and have a few songs that still touch me today like "Love For Real" - featuring N'Dea Davenport. Nobody can sing about loneliness like Everlast in my opinion. Some other good ones to check out are "I Can't Move" "We're All Gonna Die". Then came "White Trash Beautiful" people were hesitant due to the name not wanting to be associated with the white trash idea. This was by far his best album and most heartbreaking. This album inspires me to do my art more than any other. This album might not seem like a concept album but it is through and through. It's about those less fortunate dealing with the same heartaches and loneliness we all deal with. It kicks off with "Blinded By The Sun" a beautifully rich intro piece. Then it goes into "broken" and I almost need to stop listening at this point because I feel it. Then it moves into "White Trash Beautiful" a modern day tale of love, somewhat uplifting. A few songs later he hits you with "Warning" showing the hypocrisy in every man's soul. Then comes the ultimate true story in "Angel" this one is very relatable to me. Now comes the saddened country ballad including rainfall "This Kind Of Lonely". If you haven't been won over yet "Soul Music" will do just that. "Lonely Road" is good and so is "Pain". Finally it ends with "Maybe" which isn't really an ending at all but after you've felt so saddened and fired up there's hope at the end.

Finally, here is his new single and it is phenomenal, a no holds barred approach to the war.

Ain't No Sunshine...

2008-07-09T22:02:00.004-05:00

The song melted into my ears. "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone... Only darkness every day..." I could only hope to focus on the wine glass in front of me. With each ripple of the beautiful white liquid I saw only her face. I'd only known her so briefly, I shouldn't have these feelings, I couldn't have these feelings... I haven't had these feelings in years. Yes, I was married but that thermometer read dead way before we even were married. We were blind mice in society's maze looking for cheese and yet finding only poison. See... I'm still jaded and bitter, so why these feelings? "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone... and this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away..." I was mad. I was sad. I was... lonely.

All I had at that moment was Vince, my piano man I've known for five or six years. I've seen Vince play in his apartment which used to be right above mine. I've seen Vince when he played at Gert's. I've seen him play at Jo D's and then the Bulldog. I now for the first time witness him in all his glory as a single man, in a place called Thomas on a dead Tuesday night. He's magnificent... he knows people, he knows life. The piano man has heard every story, every heartbreak, every failure... now he gets to hear mine. Poor guy, mine is a story of a boy with a heart too big and skin too thin to bear it. I try to not feel, to not want. It would be a shame to let all that I have to give in love go to waste. I'm more than I was and now as a man I'll be so much more. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm also stronger. For once I'm really me and that's what everyone is going to get. I have no idea why she won't call or text but it's a little unfair to not get an answer after a couple of invites. I just... really enjoyed being with her, more than anyone I've met in awhile.

"Anytime she goes away"

— Please visit my buddy Vince Cook at Thomas right next to KU Med by Spit Fire. Give him some money and then ask him to play No Handle Bars by the Flobots... It's great! Mention you know me and maybe after enough people mention me he'll add Nina Simone to the book.

I Want You

2008-07-09T14:07:00.001-05:00

If someone could show me a better live performance than this... I would be thoroughly amazed.

Terrible Poem #6

2008-07-06T21:53:00.003-05:00

I wrote this real quick one late friday night. I was sitting on the plaza outside blonde waiting for some friends to show up. I kept going back to this thought that everyone entering the club was either wearing black or white. This interested me because one night stands seem black and white. Felt fitting to think of it that way.

Black and white—
blouses shuffling in the night.
Boney hips waiving;
simple lover's playing.
Black dress and blonde dye;
desperation marks her thigh.

Searching for sweet youth;
ignoring the strange truth.
betrayed by a sonic noose;
cotton boundaries slipping loose.
Chivalry is a price to pay;
for the players' game to play.

Begging him not to leave;
lust lies in its sleeve.
bye crows the cock;
hello chimes the clock.
For another innocent night;
of black and of white.

I Forgot About This Part (Thanks Dick Navis!)

2008-07-03T11:53:00.001-05:00

You forgot the part where Megan hit on a (married) cop when we were leaving Power and Light. She toddled over to him and started saying things like “You’re really hot” and “Are you married?” while caressing his neck and shoulders. My philosophy is that you shouldn’t even make eye contact with the cops, let alone ask one if he’s a swinger. So I tried interrupting them to get her away from him by saying “Sorry, we both have a thing for guys in uniforms. Are you ready to go Megan?”

Then she stuck her hand in my face in an “oh-no-you didn’t” gesture and told the cop “I fucking hate him.”

I Can't Stand The Word Smitten

2008-07-03T11:29:00.002-05:00

but it's the only word that seems to describe me these days. I'm really crazy about the David Sedaris girl right now and it feels so good. It feels like a relief but it's also nerve racking at the same time. All I know is, having someone that has so much in common with you and being able to share yourself and feel new again... makes me happy.

Her Name Was Megan And I Almost Killed The Bitch! (Part II)

2008-07-01T13:21:00.004-05:00

It became apparent to me that Megan was not in the best of shape walking back to the stage. She started randomly jumping on guys and dancing with them. It was the most embarrassing moment I've been through since i started going to Power and Light. Somehow she was able to score another drink on the way down and I couldn't get it away from her. We finally got back to the stage area where i had left Kelli and friends. However, there was only one other person there to greet me and it was Nick. He told me they had left and that's when my stomach sunk. Not again i thought. I immediately asked Megan if she had her cell phone and if she could call Kelli. By the looks of it she didn't have her cell phone. She verified it in her own garbled english (not a good sign). I took her to the front of McFadden's but no cabby would take her. That's when i found out she had no money or credit cards on her. All she had was her ID and some lip gloss.

Nick and I had to figure out something before things got really bad. I asked her if it was cool if i drive her home, with eyes closing fast she shook her head yes. I half carried her to the elevator and down to the FJ. When we got to the car I asked her where she lived. She said she didn't know... and then she mentioned she lived off 67th street. I continued to ask her if she could give me any more information but she was faded at this point. I decided to go ahead and drive her around 67th to see if she recognized anything. Nick and I started to walk her to the car and that's when it happened... the first freak out. Her eyes opened and something about the situation had set her off. She went on a mini-tear about how she was not getting into some strangers car. She then proceeded to tell Nick he was a creepy little dude. I understood why she would be scared but there was just no other way. I was finally able to coax her into the car by letting her hold my wallet with ID. At this point I was driving to 67th street and Megan is not looking good. She continues to blabbler about how we're going to take advantage of her and all i can do is laugh. Fortunately for her she was left in the hands of two guys that just want to get her home safe.

Needless to say on our way to 67th street I had to pull over a couple of times so she could puke. I still debate in my head whether or not to have left that crazy girl at Power and Light. I've heard about so many rape stories there I always get concerned. Well, I couldn't do anything about it now. We drove up and down 67th street but she had no idea where she lived. That's when I asked her if she was cool crashing at our place. She shook her head yes and I was relieved because it was getting really late. We pulled up to the house and I started towards the front door. That's when Megan started to throw a temper tantrum about how she wanted to stay at her place and not a couple of random guys house. A very fair statement to make when you're sober and know where the fuck you live. I had had it at this point, I dolled out the situation as it was and then asked her what she wanted me to do about it. That's when she started to pout and cry. She leaned up against the stairway and passed out. I didn't know what to do at this point... leave her there? Nick smoked a cigarette and i kept him company. Finally, Megan came around again and that's when a miracle happened, she now remembered her address. I told her to sit still as I would go into the house and mapquest it. A minute later I wanted to throw my computer out the window. Internet was down again. At this point I went downstairs and decided to just call Yellow cab and give it another try. I sat on the cement wall and called them. The next moment was the scariest point of the night. As I'm talking on the phone, out of nowhere this crazy chick tackles me backwards. In one moment I had this happen; Concrete cuts open the back of my $170 pair of jeans, My brand new $75 dollar white button up covered in wet mud (destroyed & I'll post a picture of it), My camera in my back pocket gashed. That wasn't even the worst of it. This girl who has been ripping me up and down because she thinks I've got bad intentions starts telling me I'm cute and tries to kiss me with her pukey breath. It was an extremely gross and horrifying moment. I immediately pushed her off and finished my conversation with Yellow Cab.

So puke breath is now even scarier and the new cab driver won't take her by herself. I end up riding with them to her place where she ends up falling asleep in my lap. I just prayed to god that she wouldn't puke on me. We got to her place and as soon as we did, she unleashes furry on the pavement in the form of breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So gross! I thought the cab driver was going to hurl. I payed for the cab and proceeded to carry her to her house. Turns out she's just a nanny there. Yeah, this chick looks after kids all day, holy hell! She walks inside and turns around and the next few minutes had me furious. Megan decides to berate me for the situation she's in and keeps suggesting that I wanted to get with her all night. I've never thought about violence on anyone let alone a girl but man I wanted to knock this bitch out. I'm a total pacifist so I laughed at her and just walked off. I had the cab driver return me home and I payed him again.

I'm currently trying to track Megan down because i couldn't remember the address to send her the bill. What a terrible ordeal. I'm going to things a little differently next time.

Her Name Was Megan And I Almost Killed The Bitch! (Part I)

2008-06-29T22:04:00.004-05:00

This last Friday night I was excited because my friend and coworker gave me tickets to Turning Points "An evening with friends" charity event. VML was a sponsor and therefore received eight tickets. I was only allowed two tickets so this made it a little harder to figure out who to invite. I'll spare you the details but my good buddy and genius copy guy Nick Davis attended it with me. The event was being held at the Live block of Power and Light just like the Bloom charity event. I got to the event a little late, low and behold no other VMLer was in attendance. Seriously... we did a lot of creative work for the event and it's a great event to meet other career minded people. Is this the best we can do... two people? I was pretty disappointed because I knew of some other VMLers that would have loved to attended. Now I know why people haven't heard of VML in this town. I love VML so I'm more than happy to carry the load at these events and get our name out there. Back to the evening at hand. Nick and I get in and get our drinks and eat the wonderful food they've provided.

That's when I met her...

I finally ran into my friend Kelli who works for Turning Point. Kelli was with her husband and another girl. She introduced me to her friend named Megan. Megan and I chatted for a little bit. Needless to say I was happy to make a new friend. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. As Nick and I rubbed elbows with snobs and entertained ourselves with the decorations surrounding us–apparently Megan was drinking a lot. We met back up with Kelli and her group as the event was winding down and Drew 6 was finishing the last couple of songs on their playlist. Megan was showing signs of feeling her buzz and as she grabbed me and forced me to dance with her I was willing to entertain. Megan needed to go to the restroom which was clear across the courtyard and in doing so grabbed my hand and had me walk with her there. On our way there I could see that her walking was getting worse and worse. She was in the bathroom for quite a while but i waited for her until she finished. We were heading back to the stage when I noticed the event had just finished. People were starting to move in that didn't have tickets. I wanted to get Megan back to Kelli because at that moment I got a text from a bunch of my friends wanting me to come meet up with them at the plaza.

Here's where shit got real... (To be continued)

Here's a picture of me and my what I thought was my new found friend.

Bang Bang

2008-06-25T23:11:00.002-05:00

Soooooooooooooooo... I'm pretty sure i just heard gunshots outside. They kinda freaked me out.

Society by Eddie Vedder

2008-06-25T13:56:00.002-05:00

It's a mistery to me
we have a greed
with which we have agreed

You think you have to want
more than you need
until you have it all you won't be free

society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me

When you want more than you have
you think you need
and when you think more than you want
your thoughts begin to bleed

I think I need to find a bigger place
'cos when you have more than you think
you need more space

society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me

there's those thinking more or less less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?
Means for every point you make
your level drops
kinda like its starting from the top
you can't do that...

society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me

society, have mercy on me
I hope you're not angry if I disagree
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me