Saturday, December 27, 2008

Something Deep—

Inside me.
It Hurts.
Another good piece of me taken away with only the cold to fill the void.
I keep venturing farther and farther away from the glow.
My fangs are getting bigger; my bite deadlier.
Just a venomous victim.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Ramblings For the Holidays

ahhh ... tis the motha fuckin season homies.

Over the years, I've learned that the holidays are what you make of them. They can be stressful, hard, lonely, happy, exhausting, depressing, fattening, jolly, loving and almost always challenging. Mine so far has been very lonely. I'll explain but first I need to tell you about a Christmas that made all other Christmases that much more special.

I think that everybody would discover something about the holidays if they took one Christmas eve through Christmas and spent it alone. You would discover how to fill a secret emptiness with so much less the next Christmas. We all say 'it' but do we really mean it? Do we really mean that it's not always about the presents or food or the other indulgences? Once you've spent those two days alone...by yourself, then you'll know a truth far more eye opening than just saying you don't need that 'stuff'. I will point out the fact that my lonely Christmas was circumstantial but was still eye opening.

It was December of 2005 or more specifically Christmas eve. I was in the car headed to Wichita. I was at the tail end of the journey when it hit me. I rushed and immediately grabbed a plastic bag where I proceeded to purge myself of lunch I had had about an hour ago. I stayed calm but realized something was definitely wrong. The rest of the drive was brutal but i made it to my destination. I carried my stuff in and immediately made myself a makeshift bed next to the toilet. I vomited just about every half hour until that evening and then about every hour. I called my family and told them what was going on. This was one of the first years that everyone on my dad's side of the family has decided to show up. Probably one of the biggest Watkins/Oddkins bashes since I can remember and I was missing it. I was miserable. Whenever I called I could hear the party in the background, the laughter, I could almost feel the fun coming through the phone and then it was over. At one point late in the evening I even tried to get ready and go out but it was no use. I laid in my makeshift bed on the hard ground and wondered...what had I done so wrong to deserve this kind of lonely. The next day was full of painful nausea. I was exhausted, worn out and pretty much incapable of doing anything but sleeping. My parents did stop by for a couple of minutes but it was pretty much pointless. I came to the realization that I would have to wait yet another long year before I would get to have that time with my family again. I never once thought about the presents or the food. I only thought about how much I missed seeing my family having a good time with each other. I missed the smiles and the laughter. I missed out on my dad dressing as Santa for the first and maybe the only time in my life and watching the grandkids wonder in amazement. It was painfully lonely to have a Christmas like that. From then on I appreciate the holidays more than ever and realize just why we have them. Some believe we should celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas. Whether that's what you believe or not you should at least celebrate what you have and who you have it to share with.

The reason why I'm so lonely this holiday season is because I just moved for the first time into my own place. I also have to unpack everything for the first time by myself. It's very difficult to have to do everything on your own. What makes it worse is the fact that I slipped on the steps when moving last wednesday and fell hard on my back on the steps. It was bad and my back is still hurting. I have to unpack old memories of a time when everything seemed so much more controlled and comfortable. Those memories can a make a person miss the companionship they once had. Also, more than ever I feel like I've been abandoned. My family used to offer to help us unpack and be so forward when it came to helping me my ex out that I kind of expected it this time. I'm not sure but I think they've pulled away; only offering to help as little as possible to make sure i get the message that they aren't happy. If that is how they feel, that they need to punish me by not helping at a time when I could use it most...well that's their choice and i still don't regret mine. Part of it is my own fault, I have a very hard time asking for help. I tend to want to put everything on my shoulders and do it alone. And alone is how I feel right now.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Hot Little Pony

This has always been one of my favorite songs but now Far under the new moniker Hot Little Pony has released a rocking cover of it. Check it out. It's not available on itunes yet but there are free downloads out there.

The VML Winter Ball

A work party that was a blast. I just recently started dating someone that I was able to introduce at the party. I kinda wanted to see how she would react in that kind of environment and she was amazing. My friend took my camera at one point in the night and started randomly shooting pictures throughout the night. He captured this moment.















I look at this picture...stare at it. The body language the facial expressions, they seem to tell a story. I'm happy, not just because I'm dating someone who excites me. It's because I've handled the best and worst of things in my life and no matter what happens, I'm in control and can do anything. I'm smiling. You can't see it but hopefully you can feel it in the words that are written here.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Rotted Fruit

Eye's gazing,
salivating at shapes,
colors.

I ask please,
penetrate me,
devour me.

Pierce ripe skin,
indulge,
the nectar beats.

I live,
and yet,
I've expired.


Crazy Christmas Sweater Ideas

Here are a few fun and crazy Christmas sweater ideas:
(All sweaters were designed by me and my associates)

His & Hers












































Panda Population Control


HO HO HO F*$%!


Santa's Little Helper


The Assassination of Chief Elf Samuel by the Coward Santa Claus


The Bees and The Deers
























The christmas feeling


This one time at band camp

A Good Sign

CAPRICORN | VIRGO

Capricorn + Virgo

Earth + Earth = Solid Ground

A partnership between Capricorn and Virgo, two earth signs, is a no-brainer. You’ll definitely have an immediate rapport with Virgo, and they won’t find you as serious as other signs do. A combination of the same elements is always a great foundation for a relationship.

Both of you are down to earth straight shooters; that’s the earth quality shining through. Virgo will focus on offering you clear and practical service, as Virgos do. You, being a Capricorn, will focus on success.

Although you are basically both economical and sensible, Virgo is more upbeat. They will lift your energy, and make you feel refreshed, youthful and responsive. Virgo also brings out your mischievous and fun-loving side; your ambition and seriousness could take a bit of a back seat.

Both of you will work towards material goals, but when you’re with each other you’ll be quite prepared to bring down walls of convention that would ordinarily be an obstruction to a deeper relationship.

Virgo is usually extremely picky, and preoccupied with the detail of everything. Because you’re reasonably methodical, and very engaged with the process of becoming successful, they won’t be too critical of how you do your work.

The result of this is that you’ll then trust them and feel confident that you can do any job to their satisfaction. This feeling of trust will set your more sensitive and loving side free.

You’ll find it easy to express your love with Virgo. But it will always be against the background of your need for long-term security and comfort. And Virgo will give this to you in full.

Virgos born between 24 August and 2 September could be spiritually connected to you as mentors. They could help you decide the direction in which your life develops, and they could have a strong influence over your higher learning. They could be teachers, advisers or lawyers. You may meet them in the course of your work or studies.

If you’re looking for love, Virgos born between 3 September and 12 September are superbly aligned with you. Both of you have the vibrations of Capricorn and Saturn, which also co-rule their Sun sign. You’ll have plenty to look forward to in a relationship with these people.

There will be good vibrations between you with Virgos born between 13 September and 22 September. Venus has a strong influence on them, and rules your zone of love, pleasure and entertainment.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

January 19th

Capricorn/Aquarius
January 19 to January 23

Capricorn is the tenth sign of the Zodiac; Aquarius is the 11th sign. Those born on the Capricorn/Aquarius cusp are involved with and interested in social institutions. They want to make them work as they were meant to work. They are humanitarians and philanthropists, the visionaries of the Zodiac. Friendship is important to them, and they have many acquaintances, in addition to their close friends. These people are also ambitious and disciplined, determined and dedicated to achieving their goals. They are practical, realistic and cautious not to get in over their heads.

The astrological symbol of Capricorn is the Sea Goat. They start from the sea and ascend to the highest mountain tops, working their way upward with every step. While the path is not always smooth, their determination to succeed ensures they will persevere. The astrological symbol of Aquarius is the Water Bearer. Like the Bearer bringing water to his people, this sign brings new ideas to the world. It represents consciousness and the flowing of ideas. Capricorn/Aquarians work hard to bring their ideas to fruition, stubbornly refusing to give up their causes. This may appear as a Capricorn trait, but it is actually representative of the fixed quality of Aquarius. The cardinal quality of Capricorn is seen in their ambition and their willingness to embark on new projects. These people are independent and individualistic, within the world but detached from it. While they are peace-loving and friendly, they can be narrow-minded and overcritical of those not as ambitious as they are.

Capricorn is ruled by the planet Saturn. In ancient Roman mythology, Saturn (and his Greek equivalent, Cronus) was the father of many of the gods, including Zeus. Saturn is about discipline, hard work and responsibility. It rules both Capricorn and Aquarius; Capricorn is the feminine, or night aspect, and Aquarius is the masculine, or day aspect. Both signs are concerned with achieving goals through hard work, but Aquarians work hard to achieve their visions, while Capricorns use hard work to gain authority and social status. When the planet Uranus was discovered, astrologers assigned it as the modern ruler of Aquarius. It is from this planet that Aquarians receive their visionary nature. Uranus is associated with progress and technology -- anything that is radical -- and it rules electricity and astrology. Some Aquarians have genius that borders on insanity, and their progressive ideas and association with anything that is different makes them dissimilar from Capricorn. Although Capricorn/Aquarians are powerfully influenced by both Uranus and Saturn. Those born on this cusp are both unpredictable and unconventional, while being interested in upholding tradition and conservative belief systems.

The element associated with Capricorn is Earth. Earth Signs are practical: they tend to respond to the world through practicality. The element associated with Aquarius is Air. Air Signs are intellectual: they tend to respond to the world through intellect. Capricorn/Aquarius has fixed opinions and is eager to share and discuss them. While those born on this cusp are tolerant and broad-minded, they tend to stick to their beliefs. Their intellect makes them logical and self-confident, but it may also make them aloof from the people around them. They are original, offbeat and even eccentric, but they are also rather bored by detail. They are often business-oriented and can be extremely scrupulous. Reformist and experimental, they may also seem cold toward anyone who doesn't share their intellectual orientation to life.

Capricorn/Aquarians are among the responsible and traditional sign combinations. They are generally reserved, careful and stable. Sometimes they may be overly critical, even bossy, but this is because they have a strong desire to achieve their goals, not because they are rude. In fact, they are generally polite because they understand that making enemies will not help them achieve anything in life. They tend to be multitalented, both in scientific and creative endeavors. They are unique and rebellious, driven to change the world. Their freedom is important to them, and they are often driven to help others become free as well.

In their leisure time, Capricorn/Aquarians enjoy competition with others. They enjoy both team sports and one-on-one competition. They are quite the social animals and often have a fondness for conversation, as long as it has intellectual depth and meaning. The great strength of the Capricorn/Aquarius is in their ability to set goals and keep working until they achieve them. Their ambition is inexhaustible, and they are not easily deterred when their goals are in sight. Their visionary nature makes them people who take the world to the next level; they make others see things in a new light. Their ability to break the rules and move beyond what others think is possible makes them one of the most innovative and hard working characters of the zodiac.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

It All Makes Sense Now...

I stumbled across this on youtube.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Bad Poetry #24

After seeing a beautiful pregnant woman I didn't know - by me

I see her there both ugly and beautiful.
I don’t know her, I just know her type.
I see her there—her belly a fleshy tool.
She just sits there, pretending to be ripe.

I whisper...

She looks gross to thee like a cookie-cutter dream.
Blasphemy! they yell onto me with pointed fingers.
She’s penetrated by a seed, built for some overseers scheme.
I like the lonely...and how my death lingers.

A Weird IM Conversation By Two Anonymous Dorks

3:31 PM
If you get a chance, there's a docmumentary on the border war that's been running on metrosports
it's like 2 hours long and covers the civil war history, the two schools, etc. its awesome

sounds awesome. not sure they could tell much more than what I already know.

The best part about is the stories and opinions from both sides.

yeah

it makes a good point of showing that neither side is right or wrong
they also get into the 1960 football game controversy, which is always interesting.

Yeah, except slaves are wrong.

Well, they were actually a "neutral" state. But a lot of the people who made the history had more southern ideals. They even get into how Quantrill was a jayhawker before he became famous for being a missourian

awwwwwe revisionist history. Tell that to the confederate troops that fought for the confederacy and the kansas troops that fought for the union.
I reenacted under the 8th Kansas.

Ya. But I think that the Missourians hate being associated with slavery, when very few people had them (compared to say, Alabama).
And there were also slaves in Kansas too. But we fought on the Union side. So we get the more positive reputation

That's like saying I had nothing to do with the holocaust because we had only one extermination camp in our area. Your still fighting on the side with the wrong ideals. right?

Ya. But I always felt the whole "slave" argument was lame. Especially since it was everywhere in the U.S. at that time.
Here's the site for that documentary: http://www.borderwarrivalry.com/
I'm not sure when it will be on again

succession came from the idea that slave labor was going to get abolished.

3:40 PM
Slaves in the south were not treated the same as slaves in the north

"Yeah, except slaves are wrong."

yep. and the south relied more heavily on them. so the north was willing to get rid of that idea of slavery but south "economically" had a harder time giving it up.
I understand both sides but damn, people needed to make a change and some chose to make that change and some chose to fight against it.

Ya. The weird thing about the whole Border War and the conflicts really had very little to do with slavery at all. It all veiled behind that, but it's not really the big reason. As Eddie Izzard said, "We just hate the people right next to us."

It all started when jethro lit some dog poop on Jebadiah's front porch.
lets go grab some sharp objects and settle this out in the parking lot.

Pretty much. Kansans burning down Osceola, and Missourians burning down Lawrence weren't thinking about equality when that happened. They were thinking, "FUCK THESE GUYS. WE'RE TOTALLY GONNA GET LAID WHEN WE GET HOME."

yep. and those confederate bitches got laid by their wives, slaves and farm animals. haha!

Bio

TG "Tommy Gun" Watkins was born the son of a mass murdering gangster in 1908. By the age of 18 he was a promising bootlegger and hit-man in his own right. His affection for beautiful blondes was only dismissed by his love for his Thompson sub-machine gun he named "Gertrude". His downfall came when he overstepped his bounds and started encroaching on Al "Scarface" Capone's territory. This happened when several of Capone's men were shot in cold blood while making a money transfer in downtown Kansas City. It is said that TG was shot down in a hail of gunfire near Kansas City's freight district but not after he took out 27 of Capone's best men including, Rudy "The Rat" Rigglio and Samson "Shooter" Samuels. TG being the libertine he was is said to still haunt only the best places of Kansas City, and only the few get to indulge in the excesses with such a muse.