Ramblings For the Holidays

ahhh ... tis the motha fuckin season homies.

Over the years, I've learned that the holidays are what you make of them. They can be stressful, hard, lonely, happy, exhausting, depressing, fattening, jolly, loving and almost always challenging. Mine so far has been very lonely. I'll explain but first I need to tell you about a Christmas that made all other Christmases that much more special.

I think that everybody would discover something about the holidays if they took one Christmas eve through Christmas and spent it alone. You would discover how to fill a secret emptiness with so much less the next Christmas. We all say 'it' but do we really mean it? Do we really mean that it's not always about the presents or food or the other indulgences? Once you've spent those two days alone...by yourself, then you'll know a truth far more eye opening than just saying you don't need that 'stuff'. I will point out the fact that my lonely Christmas was circumstantial but was still eye opening.

It was December of 2005 or more specifically Christmas eve. I was in the car headed to Wichita. I was at the tail end of the journey when it hit me. I rushed and immediately grabbed a plastic bag where I proceeded to purge myself of lunch I had had about an hour ago. I stayed calm but realized something was definitely wrong. The rest of the drive was brutal but i made it to my destination. I carried my stuff in and immediately made myself a makeshift bed next to the toilet. I vomited just about every half hour until that evening and then about every hour. I called my family and told them what was going on. This was one of the first years that everyone on my dad's side of the family has decided to show up. Probably one of the biggest Watkins/Oddkins bashes since I can remember and I was missing it. I was miserable. Whenever I called I could hear the party in the background, the laughter, I could almost feel the fun coming through the phone and then it was over. At one point late in the evening I even tried to get ready and go out but it was no use. I laid in my makeshift bed on the hard ground and wondered...what had I done so wrong to deserve this kind of lonely. The next day was full of painful nausea. I was exhausted, worn out and pretty much incapable of doing anything but sleeping. My parents did stop by for a couple of minutes but it was pretty much pointless. I came to the realization that I would have to wait yet another long year before I would get to have that time with my family again. I never once thought about the presents or the food. I only thought about how much I missed seeing my family having a good time with each other. I missed the smiles and the laughter. I missed out on my dad dressing as Santa for the first and maybe the only time in my life and watching the grandkids wonder in amazement. It was painfully lonely to have a Christmas like that. From then on I appreciate the holidays more than ever and realize just why we have them. Some believe we should celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas. Whether that's what you believe or not you should at least celebrate what you have and who you have it to share with.

The reason why I'm so lonely this holiday season is because I just moved for the first time into my own place. I also have to unpack everything for the first time by myself. It's very difficult to have to do everything on your own. What makes it worse is the fact that I slipped on the steps when moving last wednesday and fell hard on my back on the steps. It was bad and my back is still hurting. I have to unpack old memories of a time when everything seemed so much more controlled and comfortable. Those memories can a make a person miss the companionship they once had. Also, more than ever I feel like I've been abandoned. My family used to offer to help us unpack and be so forward when it came to helping me my ex out that I kind of expected it this time. I'm not sure but I think they've pulled away; only offering to help as little as possible to make sure i get the message that they aren't happy. If that is how they feel, that they need to punish me by not helping at a time when I could use it most...well that's their choice and i still don't regret mine. Part of it is my own fault, I have a very hard time asking for help. I tend to want to put everything on my shoulders and do it alone. And alone is how I feel right now.