Inside me.
It Hurts.
Another good piece of me taken away with only the cold to fill the void.
I keep venturing farther and farther away from the glow.
My fangs are getting bigger; my bite deadlier.
Just a venomous victim.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Ramblings For the Holidays
ahhh ... tis the motha fuckin season homies.
Over the years, I've learned that the holidays are what you make of them. They can be stressful, hard, lonely, happy, exhausting, depressing, fattening, jolly, loving and almost always challenging. Mine so far has been very lonely. I'll explain but first I need to tell you about a Christmas that made all other Christmases that much more special.
I think that everybody would discover something about the holidays if they took one Christmas eve through Christmas and spent it alone. You would discover how to fill a secret emptiness with so much less the next Christmas. We all say 'it' but do we really mean it? Do we really mean that it's not always about the presents or food or the other indulgences? Once you've spent those two days alone...by yourself, then you'll know a truth far more eye opening than just saying you don't need that 'stuff'. I will point out the fact that my lonely Christmas was circumstantial but was still eye opening.
It was December of 2005 or more specifically Christmas eve. I was in the car headed to Wichita. I was at the tail end of the journey when it hit me. I rushed and immediately grabbed a plastic bag where I proceeded to purge myself of lunch I had had about an hour ago. I stayed calm but realized something was definitely wrong. The rest of the drive was brutal but i made it to my destination. I carried my stuff in and immediately made myself a makeshift bed next to the toilet. I vomited just about every half hour until that evening and then about every hour. I called my family and told them what was going on. This was one of the first years that everyone on my dad's side of the family has decided to show up. Probably one of the biggest Watkins/Oddkins bashes since I can remember and I was missing it. I was miserable. Whenever I called I could hear the party in the background, the laughter, I could almost feel the fun coming through the phone and then it was over. At one point late in the evening I even tried to get ready and go out but it was no use. I laid in my makeshift bed on the hard ground and wondered...what had I done so wrong to deserve this kind of lonely. The next day was full of painful nausea. I was exhausted, worn out and pretty much incapable of doing anything but sleeping. My parents did stop by for a couple of minutes but it was pretty much pointless. I came to the realization that I would have to wait yet another long year before I would get to have that time with my family again. I never once thought about the presents or the food. I only thought about how much I missed seeing my family having a good time with each other. I missed the smiles and the laughter. I missed out on my dad dressing as Santa for the first and maybe the only time in my life and watching the grandkids wonder in amazement. It was painfully lonely to have a Christmas like that. From then on I appreciate the holidays more than ever and realize just why we have them. Some believe we should celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas. Whether that's what you believe or not you should at least celebrate what you have and who you have it to share with.
The reason why I'm so lonely this holiday season is because I just moved for the first time into my own place. I also have to unpack everything for the first time by myself. It's very difficult to have to do everything on your own. What makes it worse is the fact that I slipped on the steps when moving last wednesday and fell hard on my back on the steps. It was bad and my back is still hurting. I have to unpack old memories of a time when everything seemed so much more controlled and comfortable. Those memories can a make a person miss the companionship they once had. Also, more than ever I feel like I've been abandoned. My family used to offer to help us unpack and be so forward when it came to helping me my ex out that I kind of expected it this time. I'm not sure but I think they've pulled away; only offering to help as little as possible to make sure i get the message that they aren't happy. If that is how they feel, that they need to punish me by not helping at a time when I could use it most...well that's their choice and i still don't regret mine. Part of it is my own fault, I have a very hard time asking for help. I tend to want to put everything on my shoulders and do it alone. And alone is how I feel right now.
Over the years, I've learned that the holidays are what you make of them. They can be stressful, hard, lonely, happy, exhausting, depressing, fattening, jolly, loving and almost always challenging. Mine so far has been very lonely. I'll explain but first I need to tell you about a Christmas that made all other Christmases that much more special.
I think that everybody would discover something about the holidays if they took one Christmas eve through Christmas and spent it alone. You would discover how to fill a secret emptiness with so much less the next Christmas. We all say 'it' but do we really mean it? Do we really mean that it's not always about the presents or food or the other indulgences? Once you've spent those two days alone...by yourself, then you'll know a truth far more eye opening than just saying you don't need that 'stuff'. I will point out the fact that my lonely Christmas was circumstantial but was still eye opening.
It was December of 2005 or more specifically Christmas eve. I was in the car headed to Wichita. I was at the tail end of the journey when it hit me. I rushed and immediately grabbed a plastic bag where I proceeded to purge myself of lunch I had had about an hour ago. I stayed calm but realized something was definitely wrong. The rest of the drive was brutal but i made it to my destination. I carried my stuff in and immediately made myself a makeshift bed next to the toilet. I vomited just about every half hour until that evening and then about every hour. I called my family and told them what was going on. This was one of the first years that everyone on my dad's side of the family has decided to show up. Probably one of the biggest Watkins/Oddkins bashes since I can remember and I was missing it. I was miserable. Whenever I called I could hear the party in the background, the laughter, I could almost feel the fun coming through the phone and then it was over. At one point late in the evening I even tried to get ready and go out but it was no use. I laid in my makeshift bed on the hard ground and wondered...what had I done so wrong to deserve this kind of lonely. The next day was full of painful nausea. I was exhausted, worn out and pretty much incapable of doing anything but sleeping. My parents did stop by for a couple of minutes but it was pretty much pointless. I came to the realization that I would have to wait yet another long year before I would get to have that time with my family again. I never once thought about the presents or the food. I only thought about how much I missed seeing my family having a good time with each other. I missed the smiles and the laughter. I missed out on my dad dressing as Santa for the first and maybe the only time in my life and watching the grandkids wonder in amazement. It was painfully lonely to have a Christmas like that. From then on I appreciate the holidays more than ever and realize just why we have them. Some believe we should celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas. Whether that's what you believe or not you should at least celebrate what you have and who you have it to share with.
The reason why I'm so lonely this holiday season is because I just moved for the first time into my own place. I also have to unpack everything for the first time by myself. It's very difficult to have to do everything on your own. What makes it worse is the fact that I slipped on the steps when moving last wednesday and fell hard on my back on the steps. It was bad and my back is still hurting. I have to unpack old memories of a time when everything seemed so much more controlled and comfortable. Those memories can a make a person miss the companionship they once had. Also, more than ever I feel like I've been abandoned. My family used to offer to help us unpack and be so forward when it came to helping me my ex out that I kind of expected it this time. I'm not sure but I think they've pulled away; only offering to help as little as possible to make sure i get the message that they aren't happy. If that is how they feel, that they need to punish me by not helping at a time when I could use it most...well that's their choice and i still don't regret mine. Part of it is my own fault, I have a very hard time asking for help. I tend to want to put everything on my shoulders and do it alone. And alone is how I feel right now.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Hot Little Pony
This has always been one of my favorite songs but now Far under the new moniker Hot Little Pony has released a rocking cover of it. Check it out. It's not available on itunes yet but there are free downloads out there.
The VML Winter Ball
A work party that was a blast. I just recently started dating someone that I was able to introduce at the party. I kinda wanted to see how she would react in that kind of environment and she was amazing. My friend took my camera at one point in the night and started randomly shooting pictures throughout the night. He captured this moment.
I look at this picture...stare at it. The body language the facial expressions, they seem to tell a story. I'm happy, not just because I'm dating someone who excites me. It's because I've handled the best and worst of things in my life and no matter what happens, I'm in control and can do anything. I'm smiling. You can't see it but hopefully you can feel it in the words that are written here.
I look at this picture...stare at it. The body language the facial expressions, they seem to tell a story. I'm happy, not just because I'm dating someone who excites me. It's because I've handled the best and worst of things in my life and no matter what happens, I'm in control and can do anything. I'm smiling. You can't see it but hopefully you can feel it in the words that are written here.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Rotted Fruit
Eye's gazing,
salivating at shapes,
colors.
I ask please,
penetrate me,
devour me.
Pierce ripe skin,
indulge,
the nectar beats.
I live,
and yet,
I've expired.
salivating at shapes,
colors.
I ask please,
penetrate me,
devour me.
Pierce ripe skin,
indulge,
the nectar beats.
I live,
and yet,
I've expired.
Crazy Christmas Sweater Ideas
Here are a few fun and crazy Christmas sweater ideas:
(All sweaters were designed by me and my associates)
His & Hers
Panda Population Control
HO HO HO F*$%!
Santa's Little Helper
The Assassination of Chief Elf Samuel by the Coward Santa Claus
The Bees and The Deers
The christmas feeling
This one time at band camp
(All sweaters were designed by me and my associates)
His & Hers
Panda Population Control
HO HO HO F*$%!
Santa's Little Helper
The Assassination of Chief Elf Samuel by the Coward Santa Claus
The Bees and The Deers
The christmas feeling
This one time at band camp
A Good Sign
CAPRICORN | VIRGO
Capricorn + Virgo
Earth + Earth = Solid Ground
A partnership between Capricorn and Virgo, two earth signs, is a no-brainer. You’ll definitely have an immediate rapport with Virgo, and they won’t find you as serious as other signs do. A combination of the same elements is always a great foundation for a relationship.
Both of you are down to earth straight shooters; that’s the earth quality shining through. Virgo will focus on offering you clear and practical service, as Virgos do. You, being a Capricorn, will focus on success.
Although you are basically both economical and sensible, Virgo is more upbeat. They will lift your energy, and make you feel refreshed, youthful and responsive. Virgo also brings out your mischievous and fun-loving side; your ambition and seriousness could take a bit of a back seat.
Both of you will work towards material goals, but when you’re with each other you’ll be quite prepared to bring down walls of convention that would ordinarily be an obstruction to a deeper relationship.
Virgo is usually extremely picky, and preoccupied with the detail of everything. Because you’re reasonably methodical, and very engaged with the process of becoming successful, they won’t be too critical of how you do your work.
The result of this is that you’ll then trust them and feel confident that you can do any job to their satisfaction. This feeling of trust will set your more sensitive and loving side free.
You’ll find it easy to express your love with Virgo. But it will always be against the background of your need for long-term security and comfort. And Virgo will give this to you in full.
Virgos born between 24 August and 2 September could be spiritually connected to you as mentors. They could help you decide the direction in which your life develops, and they could have a strong influence over your higher learning. They could be teachers, advisers or lawyers. You may meet them in the course of your work or studies.
If you’re looking for love, Virgos born between 3 September and 12 September are superbly aligned with you. Both of you have the vibrations of Capricorn and Saturn, which also co-rule their Sun sign. You’ll have plenty to look forward to in a relationship with these people.
There will be good vibrations between you with Virgos born between 13 September and 22 September. Venus has a strong influence on them, and rules your zone of love, pleasure and entertainment.
Capricorn + Virgo
Earth + Earth = Solid Ground
A partnership between Capricorn and Virgo, two earth signs, is a no-brainer. You’ll definitely have an immediate rapport with Virgo, and they won’t find you as serious as other signs do. A combination of the same elements is always a great foundation for a relationship.
Both of you are down to earth straight shooters; that’s the earth quality shining through. Virgo will focus on offering you clear and practical service, as Virgos do. You, being a Capricorn, will focus on success.
Although you are basically both economical and sensible, Virgo is more upbeat. They will lift your energy, and make you feel refreshed, youthful and responsive. Virgo also brings out your mischievous and fun-loving side; your ambition and seriousness could take a bit of a back seat.
Both of you will work towards material goals, but when you’re with each other you’ll be quite prepared to bring down walls of convention that would ordinarily be an obstruction to a deeper relationship.
Virgo is usually extremely picky, and preoccupied with the detail of everything. Because you’re reasonably methodical, and very engaged with the process of becoming successful, they won’t be too critical of how you do your work.
The result of this is that you’ll then trust them and feel confident that you can do any job to their satisfaction. This feeling of trust will set your more sensitive and loving side free.
You’ll find it easy to express your love with Virgo. But it will always be against the background of your need for long-term security and comfort. And Virgo will give this to you in full.
Virgos born between 24 August and 2 September could be spiritually connected to you as mentors. They could help you decide the direction in which your life develops, and they could have a strong influence over your higher learning. They could be teachers, advisers or lawyers. You may meet them in the course of your work or studies.
If you’re looking for love, Virgos born between 3 September and 12 September are superbly aligned with you. Both of you have the vibrations of Capricorn and Saturn, which also co-rule their Sun sign. You’ll have plenty to look forward to in a relationship with these people.
There will be good vibrations between you with Virgos born between 13 September and 22 September. Venus has a strong influence on them, and rules your zone of love, pleasure and entertainment.
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