A Family Reunion of Sorts

Last week was a very long week/weekend. My half brother, who is ten years older than me, just moved up from Atlanta with my niece and sister in-law. I never lived with my brother, thus always had a weird relationship with him. I was always half idolizing him and half disappointed in him. He was someone that grew up being extremely charismatic and popular. He had his choice of girls/woman and never looked back at any of his short lived flings. He spent a better part of his young adult life disc jockeying at all the Wichita strip clubs. If that doesn't get you action, I don't know what would. It didn't help that he was a great athlete and very attractive. It sounds like I'm jealous, but I'm not.

I was made differently, therefore I look for deep meaningful relationships. What disappoints me about him, is his lack of not understanding me. My brother always looked at me in disgust. He looked at me with eyes that said, why aren't you like me? I wasn't him, I wasn't ever popular or athletic. I was chubby, short, and because of my baby face sometimes mistaken for a girl. It didn't help that my mom, who doesn't know the first thing about fashion, dressed me in very androgynous clothes. Needless to say, I had a rough childhood. If my bother's hurting my self-esteem wasn't enough, he always seemed to feel the need to blame me for that fact that I always lived with our father and he didn't. It always made me feel bad that he thought that way.

My half sister flew in for my cousins wedding last week. She feels the same way and both resent my mother. They often take pride in telling me how manipulative she was. I just ignore them. With my sister and my brother being in town for the wedding, it was crazy. It didn't help matters that my cousin who grew up with my brother and sister came into town as well. They are all very close in age and have been friends for a long time. Those three, my brother, sister and cousin have always been their own clique and I've always been the outcast. Even their significant others tune me out to a certain degree. My sister in-law has been a saving grace through most of this. My sister in-law and I have very similar work ambitions, it makes us very close. I'm rambling... 

It was crazy! 

My family is full of drinkers/alcoholics who pride themselves on drinking and how much they can drink. I don't drink anymore, which makes me more of an outcast in some ways and i get ridiculed for it. It was a tough week and weekend, to have to re-live all those feelings and memories of never being good enough. I'll forever be an outsider and labeled the "good one". If only they knew what it took to grow up with our dad. If they only knew how lonely I was. If they could only walk in my shoes. Maybe, if they tried to get to know me... Maybe, they don't want too?