If I Was A Book, My Cover Would Be A Blue Piece Of Paper

Could I still be the same eight year old boy, twirling my right foot in circles as I stare down into the pavement, desperately hoping the girl I just whispered affections to... doesn't crush me? Yes. I must be. I've always had difficulties matching my insides with my outside appearance. That might be why I get weird reads from people. I feel that most people (women especially) tend to look at me like they expect me to be cocky. And I'm not, I just appreciate who I am. I grew up the majority of my life extremely unpopular because I was chubby, creative, and really sensitive. I couldn't harm a fly and therefore I was shunned as a young adult. It wasn't until I hit high school (roughly 11th and 12th grade) that I started to thin out, got a nice tan and got a chip on my shoulder. 

Why the chip on my shoulder? I'll tell you why. In Jr. High I was very intimidated by girls because they were extremely mean. I could deal with the daily physical abuse I got from the guys but the emotional abuse was far worse from the girls. I didn't date much except for a few opportunities due to stints in theatre and choir. For the most part I hated the opposite sex going into high school. So I just started to say "fuck it!" and "fuck'em!" Apparently, that made me attractive for a reason I can only describe as fake confidence. I dated a couple of girls in high school, one of which is another story for another time.

After graduation I finally found someone that took the edge off and we "were" in love. The happiness lasted until we fixed each others' wounds and got established in the world and then we realized it was time to go our separate ways. 

It's been awhile, roughly nine years since I've dated. All I'm left knowing is that some women find me cute and in some cases feel intimidated by me, which I'll never figure out. Why? Because I'm still that chubby kid inside who's still intimidated by women. All I want to do is be myself because that gives me confidence. My great qualities are the ones that used to get me beat up in school and I'm glad I didn't lose them. I accept I'm not a bad looking guy, I just need more confidence when it comes to it. Cheers to being eight on the playground again.