And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 3)

So we'd come home every night to our downtown apartment. I would sneak off to Tanners to go visit my buddy and she would retreat to our bed and work all night. I'm a connoisseur of social functions, the nightlife, spontaneity and with my good job making good money I was afforded the opportunity to do that. I quickly found out that that was not what she wanted. She was ready to nest and settle down. Having come from a big family and working as an elementary school teacher she was in the pursuit of making babies. Part of my initial attraction to her came from the fact that I knew she would be an excellent mother...but I couldn't imagine her being the mother of my child. One gut feeling I've learned to notice is that if I can't look at a partner and see them having my child...then they won't. I think so far in my life I've only met one woman that I could clearly see her and I having a child together.

We were learning that we both were heading down two separate paths. It was only a matter of time before my family and hers started harping on us to get married, settle down, have babies. I was scared. My coworkers were all settling down, some of my friends were starting to do the same. We started looking at houses and in true manipulative fashion my mother stepped in to financially help us build a house we couldn't afford, in a neighborhood close to her, with a drive that killed me, in a life I hated. We settled in—proud of our new home that we could then show off to the Joneses. We went to the neighborhood parties and why I would talk about the newest night clubs and happy hours, everyone else talked of expecting or trying to have children and even worse...how do you keep your lawn so nice. As I bottled up my hatred for everything suburban and quaint our families and her basked in the idea of the plan that was 'their' dream.

Instead of walking my path...I walked theirs.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 2)

After I graduated school in the summer of 2002 I started sending out my resumé. No takers until the fall where I started working at a small design shop for practically pennies. She continued school as well as working part time. For me...things were starting to change. By the next spring I didn't have a job and we were living in a tiny apartment in shawnee. I started working with a friend designing small websites. It didn't pay much but it was good experience.

We had to move in with my parents. This was a very tough thing to do. It wore on us. She was going to school and working while I was still trying to beef up my portfolio and interview everywhere. I refused to take production jobs that were being offered for fear that I'd be pigeon holed into a line of work I didn't want to do. I felt guilty for that choice and it strained the relationship. I once told myself that I had two big goals. One was to travel the world. Two was to be a designer in New York. I gave up both so I could be with her. That would doom us as well. After the divorce I recieved an important letter from her, she wrote that she was sorry for forgetting about my dreams and that she sees now why I did what I had to do. I thought I could put aside all my dreams, my goals, but what I found was that I was putting my happiness aside in order to achieve someone else's dreams and goals. That is not how you should live your life.

I finally got a job at another small design firm. That job then led me to a job at my current place of employment. We moved downtown shortly after. We were both working and our careers were starting to take off. Unfortunately, our relationship was being ignored over the constant hum of every day responsibilities. Like zombies we were moving through life, putting all our energy into our work...perhaps so we didn't have to face the reality that we were pulling away from each other.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 1)

The one big question everyone asks me is; what happened that would make you get a divorce? For me this is an easy question to answer...because we should've never gotten married. This is almost always followed by; why did you get married then? To which I can only answer...because I love her.

You confused yet? Welcome to my life.

Our relationship started when we were both very young. I was 18 and had just graduated from high school. She was 17 and was working at Subway during the summer before her senior year.

Wow...so many memories of times, people, places that I haven't thought about in a long time.

She was cute and sweet. She made me a sandwich. I asked her out due to a weird bet made by me and my buddy Justin. We started dating and immediately there was chemistry and friendship. We had a very passionate couple of weeks before I left on vacation. We ended it when I was on vacation. This was because we moved really fast and because she decided to move back down to Wichita for her senior year. We ended up getting back together and decided we'd try a long distance relationship. I spent my freshman year visiting her a couple of weekends a month and enjoying the dorm life on the other ones. The distance seemed to really help us take it slow and enjoy the time we had together. Half way through my sophomore year she moved in with me in my apartment and from then on we lived together. It was full of love and happiness. We'd help each other study and since we didn't have any money we'd keep each other company. We were living the college life together and enjoying it. I also loved her because for the first time I had someone that could help me heal some old wounds and vice versa.

SWING!

Please help me promote this youtube video because it rocks! Send it out and I guarantee you'll get some WTF's and :) back.

Cerebral Story

The director does some commentary that explains why this novel is so important.

Being Alive!

It's very scary if you get it but can be very beautiful if you understand. The play is very god and this song is phenomenal.

A little Romance Please With A Side Of Passion

One of my favorite movies and soundtracks has got to be Wicker Park. I've seen it many times and continue to listen to the soundtrack over and over again. I just can't seem to find that romantic side of life I love. Everything feels so rushed when it comes to dating, relationships, work, life. Maybe romance is only found when we slow down to recognize what we have...or what we don't have. So many times I revert to passion being something sexually animalistic in nature but that doesn't seem to be what passion is. Passion seems to me to be something more in the nurture realm. To take care of someone's needs can be the most passionate thing in a relationship. I think we as a society; especially our generation and younger, needs to examine just how we are killing romance and passion. I find that maybe, just maybe, had I grown up in an older time, I would've been better served as a man to have to "court" a woman. We all feel that we put forth our best effort when we go into a relationship but are we?

My grandfather used to tell us stories about how he walked from his naval base to see my grandmother. He would then take her on a date and she still remembers that he didn't have very much money but he tried to do something special for her each time. They'd share a sweet goodnight kiss and he'd walk back to the base in the dark. I looked up the towns and they were close to fourteen miles away from each other. He would mention later that his navy boots would wear out faster than most of the other seamen's. I greatly admired my grandfather for that. It sounded...romantic.

I'm not new to this idea, as a matter of fact I'm turned on by romance more than most but quick satisfaction seems to be taking over. How do we as a society confront that? or do we just go with it? Check this out for some instant romance.