I'll never forget Sunday. I stood on the porch drenched from the rain. The thunder was a good distraction from the sound of my breaking heart. She'd ventured back into my life again, made me feel complete again. I was standing there... hoping she'd come back. She didn't. At one point I held her tight, I didn't want to let her go, she was already gone though. I'll let the rain do my crying this time. I don't know if lightning will strike a third time, I can only play out the "what ifs" in my mind. I can only hope she feels the same way. I can only wait, whether we'll have the chance in this life or the next.
I'm sorry readers but this is all I'm allowed to provide, I made a promise to someone. I always keep my promises. Just know I've moved on or at least I keep telling myself I have. I've since wished her good luck and told her all I want is for her to be happy. I know her though and like myself we both are like moths to a flame when it comes to self conflict. We don't let ourselves be happy because it's something we've never really known. As soon as our world is calm we strive to shake it up again. Since I'm a product of my environment... I'm making my mark on the world. One life lesson at a time for all the world to read. Most don't understand why I do it and I don't care. I've got a courage inside of me most wish they had. They'll see the big picture soon enough.
I hate goodbyes. I prefer... I'll see you at the next party.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
By Whom All Women Thereafter Are Measured... "Part III"
I started receiving messages from Crystal again on myspace. We started talking again and now that I was divorced I felt there was no longer any pressure to hide my thoughts or feelings. Again, we fell back into our comfort zone. We talked for hours and texted back and forth all day long. We were flirtatious and fun with each other. I always thought to myself, I've turned off my heart and I won't get hurt again. We'll see if that holds true... this will be a good test for me.
We decided to meet for coffee and catch up on things. As soon as I pulled up to the Starbucks I had butterflies. I was that boy again wondering if this cute girl would like me. I walked in and spotted her on her computer right away. I was floored. She looked just as stunning today as she did back in high school. That's when it hit me like a train, she's back. I sat down and we started to talk just like old times. The chemistry was unexplainable and she shined of a bright light that would have the sun squint. We talked until she needed to go to her hair appointment and we talked there. We walked out to my car and talked there. It was electric and I knew what she was searching for... a kiss. I've always noticed that we've had similar sized lips, a random thought I know. That's when things got heavy. I was reminded why I was happy and hurting all at the same time. She invited me to come hang out at her "bachelorette party" in Power and Light that Saturday. She was getting married the following Friday and it bothered me. This is the point when my friends tell me not to do it but because I listen to my heart, I do it anyway. She probed me with questions about marriage. I began to notice she was having the same concerns and thoughts as me at that time right before my wedding. I wanted to yell, "it's a mistake!" but I couldn't... maybe it was because I wanted her too badly. Maybe I would say it out of spite... I proceeded to just give advice and no more.
The next two days we talked and texted constantly. We couldn't get each other out of our minds. Saturday night came and I ventured down to the Power and Light District. I finally met up with Crystal and her friends. Some of them I had not seen since high school. It became clear I needed to spice this party up so I did my best to participate. I got drinks for the girls and I was apart of a few checklist items which was fun. I made sure the future bride had a steady stream of drinks and shots going the whole time. After waiting in line at Mosaic for way to long it looked like we needed to move the party downstairs. By now some of the party was ready to leave after having way to much to drink before hitting P & L. Some of us finally made our way to the fountain in the center of the Live block. As the drinks kept flowing the bachelorette got more friendly. At one point we had a very nice "I missed you" kiss. It was all innocent and fun until certain feelings started to surface. Feelings that had been buried away for a awhile now. Crystal and I had made plans to talk the next day so I kept the focus on keeping her safe and having a good time. The majority of her friends peeled off throughout the night until it was just me and one other left. We left the Power and Light with me carrying her to her friends truck. When I put her in the back of the truck I looked into her eyes and I knew I made a big mistake. I'd done it again. I'd felt hope.
We decided to meet for coffee and catch up on things. As soon as I pulled up to the Starbucks I had butterflies. I was that boy again wondering if this cute girl would like me. I walked in and spotted her on her computer right away. I was floored. She looked just as stunning today as she did back in high school. That's when it hit me like a train, she's back. I sat down and we started to talk just like old times. The chemistry was unexplainable and she shined of a bright light that would have the sun squint. We talked until she needed to go to her hair appointment and we talked there. We walked out to my car and talked there. It was electric and I knew what she was searching for... a kiss. I've always noticed that we've had similar sized lips, a random thought I know. That's when things got heavy. I was reminded why I was happy and hurting all at the same time. She invited me to come hang out at her "bachelorette party" in Power and Light that Saturday. She was getting married the following Friday and it bothered me. This is the point when my friends tell me not to do it but because I listen to my heart, I do it anyway. She probed me with questions about marriage. I began to notice she was having the same concerns and thoughts as me at that time right before my wedding. I wanted to yell, "it's a mistake!" but I couldn't... maybe it was because I wanted her too badly. Maybe I would say it out of spite... I proceeded to just give advice and no more.
The next two days we talked and texted constantly. We couldn't get each other out of our minds. Saturday night came and I ventured down to the Power and Light District. I finally met up with Crystal and her friends. Some of them I had not seen since high school. It became clear I needed to spice this party up so I did my best to participate. I got drinks for the girls and I was apart of a few checklist items which was fun. I made sure the future bride had a steady stream of drinks and shots going the whole time. After waiting in line at Mosaic for way to long it looked like we needed to move the party downstairs. By now some of the party was ready to leave after having way to much to drink before hitting P & L. Some of us finally made our way to the fountain in the center of the Live block. As the drinks kept flowing the bachelorette got more friendly. At one point we had a very nice "I missed you" kiss. It was all innocent and fun until certain feelings started to surface. Feelings that had been buried away for a awhile now. Crystal and I had made plans to talk the next day so I kept the focus on keeping her safe and having a good time. The majority of her friends peeled off throughout the night until it was just me and one other left. We left the Power and Light with me carrying her to her friends truck. When I put her in the back of the truck I looked into her eyes and I knew I made a big mistake. I'd done it again. I'd felt hope.
By Whom All Women Thereafter Are Measured... "Part II"
I thought about her when it rained and when it snowed. I thought about her in the shower and when I watched certain movies. Over the years I'd ask my friends that went to college with her if they'd seen her. I'd ask them if she was doing okay and how she looked and they'd let me know. Unfortunately, for my fiancé I ran comparisons in my head between her and Crystal and how could anyone live up to the pedestal at which I put Crystal on. Halfway into my sophomore year in college I got a strange phone call. It was Crystal and it threw me for a loop. All sorts of emotions flooded my insides. We talked like we were still together in high school but when she wanted to meet... I felt I would get hurt again and it would mess up my relationship with Tiffany so I lied and told her Tiff didn't think it was a good idea.
Seven years had past after our last phone call and I had given up hope that I'd ever hear from her again. I was amazed to find one morning while checking myspace that there was a friend request from a Crystal. I debated whether to accept it or not but it didn't take long for me to click the appropriate button. As soon as I accepted her friend request I probed her bio and information. As I read her bio I slowly died inside. A couple of years before this chance myspace friendship she had gone through a pretty tough cancer battle. This is where you find out I'm not a doctor. Apparently, her main artery in her neck that ran down to her chest was being squeezed by a tumor. This caused insufficient blood flow and messed her up for a little bit. She triumphed over it but I had wished I was there to comfort her throughout it. It felt like a piece of me was neglected during a time at which she needed me the most. At this point I was already having issues with my marriage. Tiffany and I were contemplating separation and things were just not looking good. I was able to talk to Crystal on the phone a couple of times and again after so long it felt so comfortable. It felt as if we were stepping back into an old pair of shoes and we were just instantly drawn to each other. We talked about meeting up but it just never happened and we sorta' kept our distances from each other while I was trying to work things out with my wife.
Seven years had past after our last phone call and I had given up hope that I'd ever hear from her again. I was amazed to find one morning while checking myspace that there was a friend request from a Crystal. I debated whether to accept it or not but it didn't take long for me to click the appropriate button. As soon as I accepted her friend request I probed her bio and information. As I read her bio I slowly died inside. A couple of years before this chance myspace friendship she had gone through a pretty tough cancer battle. This is where you find out I'm not a doctor. Apparently, her main artery in her neck that ran down to her chest was being squeezed by a tumor. This caused insufficient blood flow and messed her up for a little bit. She triumphed over it but I had wished I was there to comfort her throughout it. It felt like a piece of me was neglected during a time at which she needed me the most. At this point I was already having issues with my marriage. Tiffany and I were contemplating separation and things were just not looking good. I was able to talk to Crystal on the phone a couple of times and again after so long it felt so comfortable. It felt as if we were stepping back into an old pair of shoes and we were just instantly drawn to each other. We talked about meeting up but it just never happened and we sorta' kept our distances from each other while I was trying to work things out with my wife.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
By Whom All Women Thereafter are Measured... "Part I"
Her name was clear as Crystal and when I first saw her in English class I was saddened. Why would such a cute girl want to have anything to do with me? Crystal had just transferred to our terribly small school and while I looked forward to seeing her everyday in class... it was certain she couldn't have feelings for a boy like me. However, over the years she was sweet to me and I tried hard to impress her in all the wrong ways. I still remember feeling awkward and joyful when we got the chance to dance together at a school dance party. I seemed to make her laugh but more importantly we were developing a close friendship.
As our Senior year rolled around I thought about her constantly. We had some classes together, mainly sculpture class and we were able to visit with each other a lot. We hit it off on everything from music to movies (Damn the man, Crows and Falco) but most of all... we just had fun keeping each other company. We would go home and have supper and do whatever until it got later in the evening and then we'd call each other. We'd talk on the phone for hours but I craved the long pauses when I could just hear her breathe. We really enjoyed going to the movies and getting lost in the storytelling (Wild Things, The Man in the Iron Mask and Titanic). I remembered during the movie Titanic Crystal started to tear up and one by one the tears fell. I remembered thinking that she looked so beautiful when she was filled with such emotion. I took her hand during the movie which I was to find out later is a sign of physical intimacy even more than a kiss for me. We enjoyed each others company when we went to dinner and often times made fun of each other on how we looked when we ate (turtle). We had deep conversations full of similar issues with our parents. We both seemed to have controlling parents to a degree that can wire you wrong for a very long time.
I was in a place to give her all of me and yet I was not confident enough to do it. I was the antithesis of aggressive at that time. She seemed confused and was somewhat in a relationship with an older guy. I later found out he was cheating on her by some of her friends but i didn't have the heart to tell her. She seemed to pull away from me and I let her do it. I was upset and at one point when we were leaving sculpture class it got a little heated verbally and it didn't help that our lockers were next to each other. I watched my friend, my dream girl pull away for good and all I could do was whine and bitch about it. I was so very young and immature at that time.
We graduated and I never saw her again... but I thought about her.
As our Senior year rolled around I thought about her constantly. We had some classes together, mainly sculpture class and we were able to visit with each other a lot. We hit it off on everything from music to movies (Damn the man, Crows and Falco) but most of all... we just had fun keeping each other company. We would go home and have supper and do whatever until it got later in the evening and then we'd call each other. We'd talk on the phone for hours but I craved the long pauses when I could just hear her breathe. We really enjoyed going to the movies and getting lost in the storytelling (Wild Things, The Man in the Iron Mask and Titanic). I remembered during the movie Titanic Crystal started to tear up and one by one the tears fell. I remembered thinking that she looked so beautiful when she was filled with such emotion. I took her hand during the movie which I was to find out later is a sign of physical intimacy even more than a kiss for me. We enjoyed each others company when we went to dinner and often times made fun of each other on how we looked when we ate (turtle). We had deep conversations full of similar issues with our parents. We both seemed to have controlling parents to a degree that can wire you wrong for a very long time.
I was in a place to give her all of me and yet I was not confident enough to do it. I was the antithesis of aggressive at that time. She seemed confused and was somewhat in a relationship with an older guy. I later found out he was cheating on her by some of her friends but i didn't have the heart to tell her. She seemed to pull away from me and I let her do it. I was upset and at one point when we were leaving sculpture class it got a little heated verbally and it didn't help that our lockers were next to each other. I watched my friend, my dream girl pull away for good and all I could do was whine and bitch about it. I was so very young and immature at that time.
We graduated and I never saw her again... but I thought about her.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I Forgot About The Broken Chair!
Yeah, I went to sit down on Daniela's chair and it came crashing down. I was waisted and it was six in the morning... what are you supposed to do? I made this pose.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Why I Hate Mondays
Bad decision Thursdays continued last week. After our weekly kickball game we decided to venture out to the Dierks Bentley concert at the Power & Light. I drove my roommate and my friend Daniela to the concert and on our way we were pulled aside by some Jamaican homies that gave us twenty or so fliers for a Jamaican concert at the Beaumont. We end up at The P&L where D and I split off to have some food and drinks at Makers Mark. I hung out with D's dad and some buddies of his. We then proceeded to hit Fuego where my friends Christina, Cody, Jen, Adam, Nick, Steve and his girlfriend Hauna were drinking and doing shots. D and I had to catch up and so we did. D even proceeded to convince the bartender to serve us all her new concoction of Jaeger, sprite and OJ. Tasted terrible. We then hit Tengo where we all proceeded to get wasted and dance the night away. D and I also tried to show people how to do the cupid shuffle but i don't think people were getting it. During the whole night D and I were taking turns passing out the Jamaican fliers to unsuspecting people while also trying to convince them it would be the best show they've ever seen. It was a blast! Dierks was good too, I still think I sing "What was I thinkin'" better. I got everyone home safe.
Friday night was all about the Bloom Party! The theme was white, bright and electric. I decided to buy a white suit for the event and it turned out to be a hit. VML had fifteen tickets but I noticed I was the only one who used any of them. We rocked Bloom hard. Free booze and food you can't go wrong with that. I was upstaged by D again when we were able to nominate her up onto stage. The live cover band needed a volunteer to sing the trumpet in Johnny cash's "Ring of Fire" and Daniela was ready to perform. D had the whole crowd entertained with her miscues and funny noises. Nine times out of ten D finds her way up to a stage and that's one of the reasons why we love her. I have a hard time finding anyone that is crazier or can role with me but D can. After that it was a lot of dancing and a lot of fun. I was having a good time but in the back of my mind I felt something missing.
Saturday Night was fun when Adam and I kicked it off with going to see Eddie Izzard. Izzard is the funniest transvestite comedian ever. He's also known for playing the father in the show the riches. Adam and I then proceeded to the Brooksider to watch the Zero's and score a few drinks before we met up with our friend Christina. One drunk girl spotted me and she was extremely friendly and funny. I danced with her and as Adam would say later, "Dude, she wanted to ride your wriggle stick" but that's not my thing right now so I got her number and then we left when Christina called. We proceeded to go and meet up with Christina at Kona grill. We then moved to O'Dowds. Adam and i ran into some old KU buddies and we had a good time. We closed O'Dowds down and that's when shit got crazy. One of Christina's friends had a bit of a melt down and it was extremely crazy and entertaining. Adam was going to stay on our couch but before we could get to bed guess who calls? It's D and she's ready to continue the party at her place. I grab the liquor and walk a block down to her place. Adam crashed at four in the morning and I ended up fixing breakfast for everyone at five in the morning. We were all wasted and at six in the morning it was me and D dancing the sun up. I walked home with the sun coming up and the liquor sweating out and it was awesome.
Sunday's sleep didn't last long before i was at lunch with my mom drinking mojito's and eating some tasty food. All in all, maybe I've gotten fifteen hours of sleep over those days. But I'll sleep when I'm dead. And that's why I hate Monday's... so fucking boring.
Friday night was all about the Bloom Party! The theme was white, bright and electric. I decided to buy a white suit for the event and it turned out to be a hit. VML had fifteen tickets but I noticed I was the only one who used any of them. We rocked Bloom hard. Free booze and food you can't go wrong with that. I was upstaged by D again when we were able to nominate her up onto stage. The live cover band needed a volunteer to sing the trumpet in Johnny cash's "Ring of Fire" and Daniela was ready to perform. D had the whole crowd entertained with her miscues and funny noises. Nine times out of ten D finds her way up to a stage and that's one of the reasons why we love her. I have a hard time finding anyone that is crazier or can role with me but D can. After that it was a lot of dancing and a lot of fun. I was having a good time but in the back of my mind I felt something missing.
Saturday Night was fun when Adam and I kicked it off with going to see Eddie Izzard. Izzard is the funniest transvestite comedian ever. He's also known for playing the father in the show the riches. Adam and I then proceeded to the Brooksider to watch the Zero's and score a few drinks before we met up with our friend Christina. One drunk girl spotted me and she was extremely friendly and funny. I danced with her and as Adam would say later, "Dude, she wanted to ride your wriggle stick" but that's not my thing right now so I got her number and then we left when Christina called. We proceeded to go and meet up with Christina at Kona grill. We then moved to O'Dowds. Adam and i ran into some old KU buddies and we had a good time. We closed O'Dowds down and that's when shit got crazy. One of Christina's friends had a bit of a melt down and it was extremely crazy and entertaining. Adam was going to stay on our couch but before we could get to bed guess who calls? It's D and she's ready to continue the party at her place. I grab the liquor and walk a block down to her place. Adam crashed at four in the morning and I ended up fixing breakfast for everyone at five in the morning. We were all wasted and at six in the morning it was me and D dancing the sun up. I walked home with the sun coming up and the liquor sweating out and it was awesome.
Sunday's sleep didn't last long before i was at lunch with my mom drinking mojito's and eating some tasty food. All in all, maybe I've gotten fifteen hours of sleep over those days. But I'll sleep when I'm dead. And that's why I hate Monday's... so fucking boring.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
I Dreamed I Saw An Angel
I ran into someone I've tried so hard to keep out of my mind and heart. However, I saw her radiant beauty for a split second and it captivated me again. I once begged her to tell me she didn't feel for me in that way and then she told me she couldn't and I've found it hard to move on. It won't stop me from giving my heart to others but sometimes when I think of her... I wish I could leave this city. She tortures me but the feelings do fade a little over time. This poem is about her and I can't stop seeing her eyes, her beautiful lips, and that smile makes me weak but her laugh is the best of all. Her laugh makes me beg for sadness because if I were any happier I'd float away and then I realize I have lots of sadness because her laugh will never be mine completely. It's okay, I've shut her out before it can be done again.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
but I was the one in white.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
her eyes owned the starry night.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
and I've seen her many times.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
if only her lips needed mine.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
her beauty binds me every day.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
but loves devil has ripped her away.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
but I was the one in white.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
her eyes owned the starry night.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
and I've seen her many times.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
if only her lips needed mine.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
her beauty binds me every day.
I dreamed I saw an angel,
but loves devil has ripped her away.
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