V is for Virginity and Valium (Part I)

For some it's not easy to talk about losing your virginity. For others it's hard to tell the story without feeling awkward and wondering if you fit into the social norms of the situation. For everyone whether you were married or thirteen it's just an uncomfortably weird but exciting experience. The subject of losing ones virginity due to rape is a different post for a different time. For the most part we all fit in the fun but awkward category. Most people wish they knew back then what they know now. I'm the first to admit that I knew nothing of a girls body (clitoris... wink, wink) before I had started perusing the female terrain. Most guys don't and that is why a girl with good teaching skills can be really effective in the beginning. Not sure why I prefaced these posts with this paragraph but who cares?

I was talking to someone today and i had mentioned that my favorite holiday was halloween. I thought to myself that it had always been my favorite holiday since I was a kid, probably cause I have a terrible sweet tooth. That's when i remembered something I hadn't thought about in years. I remembered that i lost my virginity on Halloween—during the original Friday the 13th movie. My first time was a little awkward but i assume most peoples are. I was so nervous about doing everything right, mostly about getting the condom on and it was hard to well... keep it hard (I'll explain in more detail). I suggest that if you are a coworker of mine gather others around and read this aloud... cause this shits fuckin' funny. This is why they either call me brave or stupid.

I'll set the scene. I'm at my girlfriend at the times parents house. She had just put her brother to bed. We were in the living room fooling around on the floor under some blankets when I asked her if she wanted to do "it". "It" has got to be the most ambiguous word in the english language yet we all know what it means in this situation. She said yes (not an answer I was used to getting) and then she asked me if I had protection. I reassured her that I had a very good protection spell I could use being that I was a level 22 wizard in our local D&D club. Not the best joke for the occasion. Fortunately, for some reason in high school you actually would carry a condom in your wallet. It's so tacky but it worked out for me that night, to bad it was handed down to me by my father and dated 1978. I believe it even had Barry Gibb giving a thumbs up on the package... maybe not. We both took our pants and thongs completely off. This is where it got difficult. Apparently, you have to be a magician the first time you try to put a condom on. We had no bananas at my school and if you've never practiced putting a condom on at that age it's no fun. First... it was inside out (sigh) then... I didn't squeeze the tip (double sigh) next... I'm getting worried and well that just doesn't help anything. After a couple of minutes of playing what the hell is this torture device known as a rubber I was having a difficult time standing to attention. After a couple more minutes and of course waking her back up I was finally able to get the glove on. She did however tell me that next time I was going to have to figure it out without the use of duct tape. Now I was standing tall and ready for my journey into manhood.

to be continued...