The Heart Doesn't Bend. It Only Breaks.

Yesterday was by far the hardest.

I was on the phone with my mom around lunch time. She could sense it, she could smell it. I blurted the words, "It's pretty much final." Before I realized how she tricked me she screamed "no". She screamed it so many times it felt like the very word was trying to bend my heart. She was trying so hard to convince herself this wasn't happening, the tears and screams silenced her and she hung up the phone. I broke her heart yesterday. I was disappointed in myself because she was disappointed in me. I couldn't stop the tears and lost it at my cube. All I could do was grab some kleenex and put my head down. Never have i gone through this. Never has she disowned me like this. She's losing a daughter and hating her son. I had to call my dad. I need someone. I desperately need someone to tell me everything will be alright. My dad said all the right things and was able to calm me down. I needed that so bad. It was all i could think about, her tears, her screams. It killed me inside.

The minutes felt like hours but I had to pull myself together for a meeting with my boss. I told myself that he needs to know. The glass meeting room we sat in felt unnaturally cold, could it be because I haven't eaten in a week or was it a sign of things to come? Would my career die as i would now be disowned by my boss? The first time I've felt in a fish bowl and I started to sink into myself. Here it goes and i told him everything, the room got increasingly warmer and I felt at home. As he asked questions, I teared up, but gave him all of what I was going through. He was a savior at that moment, he was a friend. I had his ear for as long or as little as I needed, he was going to help me through whatever. I couldn't ask for a better boss. We left the warm glass room with an understanding.

Moments later, the phone rang. I dreaded seeing my mom's number on the display. Would she abuse me? hurt me? maybe... love me? All she could say was, "We need to talk, face to face, when do you get off work?". If you've ever had butterflies in your stomach this was worse, this was maggots crawling over each other trying to eat their way out of me. I was so nauseous. So very nauseous.

I left work and headed South... South is where my love died... South is where heartache lies and sleeps, like some yellowed eyed beast ready to tear me to shreds. It was a long drive made short by the constant thinking. I pulled into the lonely driveway, the rain makes it look so slick and unforgiving. My parents were there sitting in their car. I didn't look, I couldn't let myself glance at them. We went inside the front door and I peered up into my mom's worn out face, she looked a lot older to me right then... had I aged her 15 years in one day? The move was not one I expected, I half expected her to give me the scrunched lipped snarl or just smack me. Neither of those came, she hugged me. It was a good feeling. We sat down in the living room and talked. It was a hard, rough, night. They pushed and prodded but I knew that comes with the territory of dropping such a bomb on them. The hardest part was telling them I wasn't in love anymore and having to repeat it over and over again as if they didn't believe me. We all cried and dealt with the news in our own ways. I always hurt when my mom cries because I felt like I disappointed her.

We left the house and I went back to my friends house. My eyes were hurting form all the tears or trying to hold them back. I felt completely an utterly worn out. I was done with everything. Have you ever been so exhausted and yet couldn't get to sleep because you were constantly thinking about everything? That was me. In truth the easy way out is to stay comfortable and not question one's love for another. It's easier to fall in love than deal with the pain of falling out of love. I don't love her anymore and if I could change that I would. All I can do is let her go, let her heal, and let her move on. I want her to find someone that does love her, for who she is. I want her to have a mini-van packed full of beautiful babies. Most of all... I want her to be happy because the road we were going down would only hurt her more.