Tony's Kansas City & We're All Just Living In It

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I'm In Trouble Now

So I just finished off a bottle a wine all by myself and I feel like blogging. This could spell disaster but then again I don't care what other people think. hmmmmm... what should I discuss while I'm in this intoxicated state? I know! How about the subject of the "One Night Stand"? I can already tell that several of my readers are on the edge of their seat about this one. Good.

There are three kinds of people when it come to the one night stand. The three are; those that have, those that will at some point have, and lastly those that won't have. All three are acceptable. I'm in the first category. Now before you go judging me I need to explain that it only happened once and I didn't enjoy it like I thought I would. There's definitely a certain amount fantasy that is ingrained in most males when it comes to the ultimate of machismo acts. Well guess what... it's not the fucking reality. The reality of the situation, at least for me was one of extreme uncomfortableness. I didn't enjoy having sex with a woman I was not passionate about, nor could we please each other because it takes awhile to figure each other out intimately. The next morning is a whole other story too. We both new each other in ways that one should not know unless emotionally involved.

Wow. This is getting harder to write about even when drunk.

So... it started when I was in a bar with some buddies and some girls decided to join us for darts. One girl was into me and made it very clear. We moved from one bar game to the next, buying each other shots at each stop. My friends left and so did I at the request of the girl eyeing me. We went to a club of her choosing where we proceeded to get affectionate. We then decided to go back to my place. I was uncomfortable pulling out the protection but it was necessary. It was sex at its most basic. No feelings, just urges. It just wasn't the same as if you're passionate about the other person. I took her home the next morning and we've never seen each other since. She wasn't looking for anything more and neither was I. I've since had several offers for the same experience but I declined... it's just not me, I'm not a notch on the belt kinda guy. I'm sweet which apparently is a turn off to some women.

I don't regret the experience because it helps me define who I am. I hope my readers better understand me from this post and can learn from me. We all deserve love and I'm willing to push sex aside until it's right in order to be happy. I think to many people rush into sex these days and it can be destructive. I would like to know what my readers think and you can comment as anonymous which is cool.

Strange Fruit

Nina Simone is one of my favorite singers. I recommend you listen and learn more about her. I traveled to South East Missouri over Memorial Day. Where I go to visit my grandparents isn't but thirty or so miles from the Arkansas border. I saw imagery and heard words that brought this song to mind. If you've never heard "Strange Fruit" be prepared to swallow your thoughts because this is a very powerful song. This song and video's imagery can be disturbing—so fair warning. I do tear up every time because I just can't believe humans could have ever treated each other this way. Listen to the lyrics as the story plays out about how the fruit hanging from the trees turns out not to be fruit at all.



Nina Simone version:

Seven trees
Bearin strange fruit
Blood on the leaves
And blood at the roots
Black bodies
Swinging in the southern breeze
Strange fruit hangin
From the poplar trees
Pastoral scene
Of the gallant south
Them big bulging eyes
And the twisted mouth
Scent of magnolia
Clean and fresh
Then the sudden smell
Of burnin flesh
Here is a fruit
For the crows to pluck
For the rain to gather
For the wind to suck
For the sun to rot
For the leaves to drop
Here is
Strange and bitter crop

Fragile

She's a risk my heart needs to take.
Even an ounce of her love...
Would be worth any heartbreak.

I'm more than your fragile egg?
Smother me in passions red fire...
And for your soft kiss I'll beg.

I'm at the cliff, flight or fall?
See my beauty from within...
Wound me now and you wound us all.

for me, by me, to me.

Top 5 Favorite Female Characters

Here is my top 5 favorite T.V. and Movie female characters that I've crushed on. This is based on personality of the character as well as beauty.

5. Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) from both Roman Holiday or Breakfast at Tiffany's: Her personality could make anyone smile and laugh and fall in love with her.




















4. Jean Grey aka phoenix (Famke Janssen) X-men movies: Hello! Comic book geek, seriously though her personality matched with her beauty plus her very sexy powers make for a hell of a character.




















3. Madolyn (Vera Farmiga) The Departed: She's a flawed psychologist that wants to fix men. I'll be your troubled one.




















2. Dharma (Jenna Elfman) from Dharma & Greg: That's my personality in a nutshell, I can only stay mad for two seconds. I'm weird like that.




















1. Yvaine (Claire Danes) from the movie Stardust: Again, I'm a hopeless romantic but that's why I'm such a catch... or so my mom says.



















Claire Danes is my number 1 right now in just about every category. Nobody has ever matched her personality on screen as far as I'm concerned. I crushed on her in My So Called Life, Romeo and Juliet, Shopgirl, The Family Stone, and many others. It's subjective but that's how I roll.

Some Random Thoughts About Where I Am Right Now

I had such a long weekend with a lot of fun and some new experiences. The fun happened and the new experiences were good life lessons. I tested the waters of trying to be someone I'm not and all it did was make me feel uncomfortable. I'll bounce back like I always do, stronger, better and with more of a definition around who I am.

Lately, girls have been really sexually aggressive and I've had to watch them and myself. Mistakes can happen if you let them. I've found a real comfortable place within my own soul right now. I'm enjoying just experiencing new things. I'm not looking for a long term anything or to be tied down with anything or anyone. That doesn't mean I don't want a long term relationship or to be tied down to a city. I'm just not going to seek them out right now. I'll let those things come to me. I've got plenty of time and I believe I deserve happiness. I'm happy right now just going out with friends and having a good time. I like the casual dating thing because I like spending time with any and everyone. It took a little while to get back on my feet with the dating thing again but that's turned around for me. It's odd but it seems the less I try the more things happen for me.

Oh Well, What Can You Do

This morning was a string of minor inconveniences. I went to the gym and worked out, as i was getting ready I realized I was missing half the stuff I needed to get ready. I decided to head back home and finish getting ready there which would make me late for work but I'm sure people around the office would like it if i brushed my teeth. On my way back home i get a speeding ticket... Yes! Off to an even better start. As soon as i walk into the front door I step into cat puke... Fucking awesome! I clean my shoes and finish getting ready. I'm just about to walk into the office at the top of the stairs when i realized I left my wallet out in my car... hells yeah best morning ever! I'm now sitting thinking the morning couldn't get worse when right now Paco is turning on all the lights over us. Those fluorescent bulbs will cause any creative to go crazy. Oh well, what can you do?

Violet Hill

Violet Hill - Coldplay



Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops i remember
There was snow
White snow

Clearly i remember
From the windows they were watching
While we froze down below

When the future's architectured
By a carnival of idiots on show
You'd better lie low

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

Was a long and dark December
When the banks became cathedrals
And the fog
Became God

Priests clutched onto bibles
And went out to fit their rifles
And the cross was held aloft
[Violet Hill Lyrics on http://www.elyricsworld.com ]
Bury me in honor
When i'm dead and hit the ground
A love back home unfolds

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

I don't want to be a soldier
With the captain of some sinking ship
With snow, far below

So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

I took my love down to violet hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

So if you love me
Won't you let me know?

If you love me,
Won't you let me know?

Never give all the Heart

I'm a huge fan of poetry. I've spent years collecting it and reading it. This is one of my favorite poems. Having to push the reset button on my whole life has really matured me. This was a poem I only halfway understood, but now I get it. Enjoy!

Never give all the Heart

W.B. Yeats

Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that's lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.

His Hands (part III)

This is my Grandpa, Howard Gregory Watkins and that is where i get my "G" in TG. He loved his motorcycles.

His Hands (part II)

My grandpa and grandma had very different personalities. Each of them gave up a lot in order to be with each other and had to compromise every step of the way. Needless to say they did argue a lot, but somehow my grandpa was always able to laugh about it while grandma always stewed. My grandpa was animal lover. He rescued just about every animal he could and went to the pound often. His last dog (Alice) was his best friend so he took it very hard when Alice past away. He was retired and enjoyed the TV show The Price Is Right. Grandpa was ready for grandma to quite her real estate business and stay home with him… she refused. This, along with the death of Alice seemed to shake him up like I’ve never seen. He prided himself on his morality, conservative beliefs and generally kept himself away from trouble. Now he was desperate for attention and he was lonely.

Grandpa started to frequent the strip clubs in Wichita in order to get the attention he wanted. Strippers will tell you everything you want to hear. They’ll tell you how cute you are and talk about how great you make them feel. IT’S ALL AN ACT! If you walk out of a strip club thinking you’re going to have a relationship with a stripper you're delusional. The strippers in Wichita took advantage of him and he spent thousands on them. We later found out he bought them cars and houses to which should have been inheritance. Papa bear was slowly losing his mind too. He just wasn’t the same and I didn’t like this grandpa. He divorced my grandma and sold the ranch we all grew up with. A piece of my past ripped away. Finally, one late night on his way to Jezebel’s, an elderly lady pulled out in front him and they collided. He was taken to the hospital but it didn’t look good. At this point his mind was pretty much all gone. They had to restrain his large frame so he wouldn’t try to leave. My dad went down there to report what was going on and dad could barely talk to me about it on the phone . It was the hardest thing he’d ever seen. He told me my grandpa’s face wasn’t even recognizable due to all the bruising. Apparently whenever my grandpa saw his kids he would say the most hurtful things. I decided not go down there at the advice of my father. I got the call early the next day that he passed in the night. I was so mad at him for last couple of years of grief he’d given everyone but then I remembered those hands. I locked myself into the bathroom and broke down. I'd missed him... I'd missed him for years.

The funeral was hard. I hadn’t had to say goodbye to a grandparent yet but now I had to. My family was all in tears and even my in-laws. They had remembered him when he was good… when he was willing to do anything for anybody. Everyone remembered him when he was that giant teddy bear. Towards the end of the funeral my dad had a song play as they hauled the casket into the hearse. My dad who has never cried weeped on my shoulder and I needed to hold him. We cried together in a moment I will never forget. I remember my grandpa’s face in the casket looking nothing like him. This was probably due to the bruising in the accident. I didn’t feel anything because it looked nothing like him. I didn’t even believe it was him. I scanned the casket and that’s when I saw his hands. Those were his hands. The hands of a loving man that used to make the world’s problems go away when you curled up in them. That’s when I knew he was gone and on my drive back to Cassidy I looked at the dark prairies and remembered that mountain of a man, my papa bear.

His Hands (part I)

This two part post was hard to write, but I needed to write it.

My grandpa on my dad’s side can only be described as a bear of a man. While my dad and his brother took on the traits of my grandma, one being the short gene, their sister got the big gene. He was a mountain of a man but had an even larger heart. When I was growing up I remembered his hands. His hands were rough probably do to all the years working cattle, riding horses, and working at the refinery in El Dorado, Kansas. Grandpa’s hands were strong and muscular; he spent lots of years laying railroad tracks. This is probably why he overcompensated when he went to hug or hold you. He could comfort you like no other when he wrapped you in those big hands. You felt safe. He was papa bear, a big man, bigger heart, and the biggest paws you’d ever see.

I went down to El Dorado this weekend in order to visit my family and my college buddy. I was actually looking forward to seeing my buddy’s new baby the most. Saturday night I went over to Scott’s house and held their newborn (he was premature and so very tiny) and I fed little Collin a bottle of milk. That would be the first time I’ve ever fed a baby a bottle of milk. And for the first time in my life I felt comfortable about it. I really enjoyed it! His baby is so cute too. Collin’s last name is Light so I’ve nicknamed him “Natural” or “Natty” for short. Scott once danced on a strip clubs stage naked and brought weed to class so I have a few stories for Collin when he gets older.


I stayed over at their place until about 11:00 pm and decided to head back to Cassidy from Wichita which is a good forty-five minute drive. The moon was covered by clouds, which made it pitch black outside. The winds were up as well and whispers of tornado like weather were tuning in from the car radio. Tall grass lined the highway and the winds pushed it in giving it the look that the ground was clawing at your tires as you sped by in the black night. It all created an eerie feeling and that’s when thoughts of my papa bear creeped back into my mind. I loved him very much but the last few years of his life were the toughest.

My Newest Addition To My Tie Family

It's a beautiful white tie adorned with a gorgeous white paisley pattern. Cost? You ask. A mere $120 including tax. I named her Angel.

Argh!

I'm a little tired because I haven't been sleeping well. I keep waking up at three in the morning with a ton of energy. When I wake up I think it's morning and I'm ready to go work out. I always look over and it says 3:00 a.m. and then I spend the next hour trying to go to sleep. My alarm is set for six in the morning so I can have plenty of time to get to the gym and do my full workout. However, one would think if i can wake up with a ton of energy at three I should be able to feel pretty good at six. Nope, I feel like crap, so I hit the snooze and then go back to sleep. Ten minutes later... I feel even worse but i force myself to get up anyway and head out to the gym. This morning was the worst. I felt like I was going to pass out doing cardio at the gym. Now I'm sitting here at work wondering if this light headed feeling is going to go away. It's kinda' scary because I've never felt this way before. I was also noticing that my heart was racing more than usual working out and I can feel it in my chest sitting at my computer. I hope it goes away.

So Many Emotions

There are just some songs that can fill you with so much emotion and just make you want to go fucking nuts. This is one of mine. It's simple but effective. If you've never seen this played at Angels Rock Bar... you just don't know.



If you feel so empty
So used up so let down
If you feel so angry
So ripped off so stepped on
You're not the only one
Refusing to back down
You're not the only one
So get up

Let's start a riot, a riot
Let's start a riot
Let's start a riot, a riot
Let's start a riot

If you feel so filthy so dirty
so fucked up

If you feel so walked on
So painful so pissed off
You're not the only one
Refusing to go down
You're not the only one
So get up

Let's start a riot, a riot
Let's start a riot
Let's start a riot, a riot
Let's start a riot

If you feel so empty
So used up, so let down
If you feel so angry
Just get up

Let's start a riot, a riot
Let's start a riot
Let's start a riot, a riot
Let's start a riot

Let's start a riot, a riot
Let's start a riot
Let's start a riot, a riot
Let's start a riot

Let's start a riot, a riot
Let's start a riot

I'm To Smart For The Pearly Gates

Why is it that all my life I get the most depressed at dusk on Sunday's? Is it the impending doom of a coming Monday or the five day work week. Is it because I had a lot of fun on Friday and Saturday that I don't want the weekend to end. It's funny because sometimes the most beautiful sunsets happen on Sunday's at dusk. This evening I ate at McCoy's... pondered the loneliness within... planned for the future... analyzed the previous nights events. Our happiness can sometimes hinge on a yes or no question. I left McCoy's with a yearning. I people watched, I watched a preacher with a mic. and he caught my eye. However, he wasn't good enough to catch my ear. The word fell on the oil slicked pavement and rooted into nothingness.

Baby blues adorned his poetic posturing.
His gray was a fatal compass.
His hands carried amplified regret.
Gibberish spilled from microphone splinters.
A toxin of future redemption sprayed from torn lips.
The words fell heavy on the asphalt mountain tops.
Heaven is fools gold for the right price.
The price of his soul... faith.
The price of mine... is of no consequence to you.

I'd Do Anything For A friend

Thursday night I had a great time with some friends at the Alicia Keys concert. We left the Sprint Center around 11:00 p.m. and I'm driving my friend back to her place when I get a phone call. My friend Adam informs me that another one of our friends is drunk and has decided to drive home. I could tell Adam was wasted which was really unusual so I knew our friend must have been tanked. I drop my friend off and immediately start calling around. I finally talk to her other friend and we immediately start the search party. The only information we can get is:

I'm lost
My car won't move and it's out in the middle of the street
I'm really drunk
I'm at, around 79th street
Come get me

I was really worried. I didn't want her to get a DUI or have some stranger pick her up in the condition she was in. Her friend and I drove around for two hours. I finally came over the hill around 78th and Holmes and saw three cop cars behind a stalled car in the street. Fuck! I pull up and see her just sitting in the passenger seat. My stomach dropped because I knew she was in a lot of trouble. I walk up and she gets out of the car. I give her a hug and ask if she's alright. She's pretty drunk. The cop asks her if she knows me and she's says yes. The cops seem very relieved. She tried to give one of the cops a hug (which they can't do) and he started backing away. I was able to grab her and pull her back before he got really pissed. The cops told me I could take her home. I pulled her car into a parking lot and that's when I realized the front right tire was completely demolished. I got her into my car and after a few conversations with her dad he was not liking the fact that I needed her to stay over at my place because her aunt's was to far. She was starting to get sick so i made a mad dash to my house. We just made it in time for her to throw-up in our toilet and use my roommates toothbrush (which was awesome!). I got her in to bed and i went down to the couch.

The storm hit and kept me up so I'm guessing I fell asleep around 3:00 a.m. I was awoken by roommate's girlfriend leaving around 5:00-5:30ish. My friend woke up around 6:45 and proceeded to go into my roommates room where he was quick enough that birthday suit embarrassment was avoided. She asked where I was and he pointed back to my room. She came down stairs and woke me, we talked and laughed. We both went up stairs as my roommate was leaving his room. He looked at us and his face was priceless. He just stared and replied... Whhhaaaaaatttttt... I knew where his imagination went and it was hilarious. I finally got her over to aunt's house and got home so i could take a quick nap before work. My sheets are now covered in Burberry perfume. My ex-wife wears Burberry. I need to wash my sheets.