We talk every once and awhile. There are still some boxes of things that have yet be split up. We have memories and I'm proud to have said that I loved her once. I'm also proud to have had someone love me so deeply once. Love is hard and it's exhausting. It's exhausting because it's a ton of work. I went through a really rough patch after the divorce. I didn't know how to date or initiate interest. I drank a lot which led to a really bad car wreck that I'm thankful did not hurt anyone else. I'm also really lucky I wasn't killed because I wasn't wearing my seat belt. Just lucky all the way around. I woke up after that crash and was able to get some much needed help.
I finally got back in the game and started having fun for the first time. I realized single life isn't that bad after all. Actually, I kinda enjoy it. I've since dated a lot but nothing has really come from it. It's going to take a lot more dating and someone very special to catch me. I'm not your typical guy and for that I'm both proud and also lonely. I always leave every relationship on good terms. Why? I know how to make someone feel good about themselves and I enjoy doing that. I did have one potential prospect for a relationship that I let my guard down for. However, it just didn't seem meant to be.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 7)
By the time the end of the year rolled around we were both fed up. I started working out in the mornings because I had let myself go and was completely miserable with how I looked and felt. I was really busy at work. I finally had my own client and therefore flying out to do presentations more often. I remember flying out for a week and on the flight back getting delayed on the plane for three hours. I came back to do the VML party with all my confidence back. I then took off the next morning to ride out with my buddy Adam to the KU versus Colorado football game in Colorado. I got back home from that and immediately flew back out again for another week. I did a lot of thinking on this trip. It was good for me.
We traveled to my buddies place for the New Year's Eve party. We both smiled and laughed but we were both good at hiding our unhappiness. We left there to go to my parent's place and a large scale battle broke out between the two of us. Everything that could've been said was and even things that shouldn't have been. It was brutal and you could feel that hatred seething. That's when the switch flipped. That's when I knew that once the switch was turned off it was permanent. We got through the rest of the New Years and my birthday. I moved out of the house and into my buddies place. We called it a separation but I never showed any signs of trying to make it work and she got the that. She realized I was done.
We filed for divorce and we put the house on the market. She immediately started dating again. I went through hell carrying the burden of being the initiator of the split. The families blamed me but they never really knew what happened behind closed doors. She found happiness right away having met another teacher she fell head over heals for. She gave me a couple of letters telling me that I was right in what i had done and that she understood it now. She also apologized for not seeing just how many of my dreams and goals I had set aside for her. I am still so happy that she is happy and in love again. I had no issues in taking on the huge responsibility of the split. My shoulders are strong and I could carry that load.
We traveled to my buddies place for the New Year's Eve party. We both smiled and laughed but we were both good at hiding our unhappiness. We left there to go to my parent's place and a large scale battle broke out between the two of us. Everything that could've been said was and even things that shouldn't have been. It was brutal and you could feel that hatred seething. That's when the switch flipped. That's when I knew that once the switch was turned off it was permanent. We got through the rest of the New Years and my birthday. I moved out of the house and into my buddies place. We called it a separation but I never showed any signs of trying to make it work and she got the that. She realized I was done.
We filed for divorce and we put the house on the market. She immediately started dating again. I went through hell carrying the burden of being the initiator of the split. The families blamed me but they never really knew what happened behind closed doors. She found happiness right away having met another teacher she fell head over heals for. She gave me a couple of letters telling me that I was right in what i had done and that she understood it now. She also apologized for not seeing just how many of my dreams and goals I had set aside for her. I am still so happy that she is happy and in love again. I had no issues in taking on the huge responsibility of the split. My shoulders are strong and I could carry that load.
Monday, January 26, 2009
And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 6)
I worked harder than ever before, feeling guilty about what I had done. The rest of the winter was cold in more ways than one. I put my frustrations into working on the house. I learned how to drywall and standard house maintenance. I retreated into sports, T.V., video games and food. I've always been particular about my weight and I've always worked hard to maintain it. This time I just didn't care.
The summer rolled around and she wasn't working because she was a teacher. She spent the whole summer in bed...sleeping. She was deeply depressed. I couldn't take it and so I spent lots of time out or doing other things. I knew why she was depressed. It was a conversation we kept having. I couldn't understand why she wanted kids so bad, right now? I felt like I still needed a lot more time. I still needed to travel. I still needed to advance my career. We separated for a bit but the loneliness got to me and I came back. She tried to be more upbeat and I tried to be happier but it was just delaying the inevitable.
That summer something else happened. I met someone that sparked me. She was beautiful and the chemistry was great. I realized then that the person I was then was different from the person I was eight years earlier. I realized that my attractions and my interests were different. I realized that happiness lied somewhere else and with someone else. During the separation right before the divorce I tried to pursue it but nothing came from it. It was a good learning experience albeit painful.
The summer rolled around and she wasn't working because she was a teacher. She spent the whole summer in bed...sleeping. She was deeply depressed. I couldn't take it and so I spent lots of time out or doing other things. I knew why she was depressed. It was a conversation we kept having. I couldn't understand why she wanted kids so bad, right now? I felt like I still needed a lot more time. I still needed to travel. I still needed to advance my career. We separated for a bit but the loneliness got to me and I came back. She tried to be more upbeat and I tried to be happier but it was just delaying the inevitable.
That summer something else happened. I met someone that sparked me. She was beautiful and the chemistry was great. I realized then that the person I was then was different from the person I was eight years earlier. I realized that my attractions and my interests were different. I realized that happiness lied somewhere else and with someone else. During the separation right before the divorce I tried to pursue it but nothing came from it. It was a good learning experience albeit painful.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 5)
I knew I made a huge mistake after the wedding. My head was all over the place and old feelings, thoughts, emotions from my childhood started to resurface. With us living so far away from my friends and her having social anxiety I was trapped. I wanted to go out. I needed to go out. I started trying to go out more and I drank more. I had a hard time coping with what I'd just done so I drank and partied but not like before where it was controlled. This was me not caring what happened. This was me acting out.
Some witnessed this break down at my office party. So many seemed to think that I just partied a little too hard. It was deeper, it was less than a month after the wedding and I was out to destroy something. I was pretty drunk by the time my wife had shown up. I ignored her and pushed her away. I hated her at that moment and I didn't know why. She left the party. I hated her for leaving me there. I was testing her to see just how much she'd put up with. She was tired of that game and therefore just left. Her mind was somewhere else. She was starting to feel the struggle with not being a mother yet. I knew that too.
The rest is a blur to me but apparently I continued to drink and finally passed out. My friends called my wife and she came and picked me up. I woke up the next morning lying on the cold concrete floor of our garage. I continued to vomit and get sick for the next two days and finally had to be rushed to the E.R. for I.V. drips. Apparently I had the flu as well. I was so very lucky I didn't ruin everything at my job. I tried to destroy my life but thankfully I didn't succeed. It still gets brought up as a joke just like any college party but for me it's deeper. It takes me back to a time where I didn't like who I was or what I was doing.
Some witnessed this break down at my office party. So many seemed to think that I just partied a little too hard. It was deeper, it was less than a month after the wedding and I was out to destroy something. I was pretty drunk by the time my wife had shown up. I ignored her and pushed her away. I hated her at that moment and I didn't know why. She left the party. I hated her for leaving me there. I was testing her to see just how much she'd put up with. She was tired of that game and therefore just left. Her mind was somewhere else. She was starting to feel the struggle with not being a mother yet. I knew that too.
The rest is a blur to me but apparently I continued to drink and finally passed out. My friends called my wife and she came and picked me up. I woke up the next morning lying on the cold concrete floor of our garage. I continued to vomit and get sick for the next two days and finally had to be rushed to the E.R. for I.V. drips. Apparently I had the flu as well. I was so very lucky I didn't ruin everything at my job. I tried to destroy my life but thankfully I didn't succeed. It still gets brought up as a joke just like any college party but for me it's deeper. It takes me back to a time where I didn't like who I was or what I was doing.
And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 4)
Had I'd been alone where would I be? I ask myself this almost daily. I'm not even going to pretend to know that because there is no answer. I'm only right here...right now.
We were already moved into a house and working full time. What is the next step? It didn't take us long to decide that the obvious next step was to get married—right? It's all so American and picture perfect. Honestly, the conversation should've been how are we going to end this without it getting much worse. I tell everyone about to get married to take a step back and really analyze what that means and how you feel. I say this because if you're doing a big wedding you can easily get caught up in the planning. You never really take a look at the situation through honest eyes. There is so much to do and worry about with a wedding that your life a lot of times gets put on hold so that you don't have a break down from all the stress. TAKE THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND IT!
With the wedding in full swing things were getting rocky. I grabbed every piece of work I could get my hands on. I buried myself in my ambition so I didn't have to come home. She spent a lot of her time in bed working. The happiness just wasn't there. We would have good times every once and awhile but it felt like work. We tied the knot and the glorified party was a lot of fun. However the lies cut me to the core. I acted my way through, and that sounds terrible but I did. I did it because I loved her. I loved her because she stood by me and loved me and accepted me when I was so wounded when we first met. I loved her because my family loved her. I loved her because she is the nicest, sweetest person I'd ever met. I loved her just enough to go through with a false wedding but didn't love her enough to tell her the truth. I know that she knew...we both knew but neither of us had the guts to bring it up.
We were already moved into a house and working full time. What is the next step? It didn't take us long to decide that the obvious next step was to get married—right? It's all so American and picture perfect. Honestly, the conversation should've been how are we going to end this without it getting much worse. I tell everyone about to get married to take a step back and really analyze what that means and how you feel. I say this because if you're doing a big wedding you can easily get caught up in the planning. You never really take a look at the situation through honest eyes. There is so much to do and worry about with a wedding that your life a lot of times gets put on hold so that you don't have a break down from all the stress. TAKE THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND IT!
With the wedding in full swing things were getting rocky. I grabbed every piece of work I could get my hands on. I buried myself in my ambition so I didn't have to come home. She spent a lot of her time in bed working. The happiness just wasn't there. We would have good times every once and awhile but it felt like work. We tied the knot and the glorified party was a lot of fun. However the lies cut me to the core. I acted my way through, and that sounds terrible but I did. I did it because I loved her. I loved her because she stood by me and loved me and accepted me when I was so wounded when we first met. I loved her because my family loved her. I loved her because she is the nicest, sweetest person I'd ever met. I loved her just enough to go through with a false wedding but didn't love her enough to tell her the truth. I know that she knew...we both knew but neither of us had the guts to bring it up.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 3)
So we'd come home every night to our downtown apartment. I would sneak off to Tanners to go visit my buddy and she would retreat to our bed and work all night. I'm a connoisseur of social functions, the nightlife, spontaneity and with my good job making good money I was afforded the opportunity to do that. I quickly found out that that was not what she wanted. She was ready to nest and settle down. Having come from a big family and working as an elementary school teacher she was in the pursuit of making babies. Part of my initial attraction to her came from the fact that I knew she would be an excellent mother...but I couldn't imagine her being the mother of my child. One gut feeling I've learned to notice is that if I can't look at a partner and see them having my child...then they won't. I think so far in my life I've only met one woman that I could clearly see her and I having a child together.
We were learning that we both were heading down two separate paths. It was only a matter of time before my family and hers started harping on us to get married, settle down, have babies. I was scared. My coworkers were all settling down, some of my friends were starting to do the same. We started looking at houses and in true manipulative fashion my mother stepped in to financially help us build a house we couldn't afford, in a neighborhood close to her, with a drive that killed me, in a life I hated. We settled in—proud of our new home that we could then show off to the Joneses. We went to the neighborhood parties and why I would talk about the newest night clubs and happy hours, everyone else talked of expecting or trying to have children and even worse...how do you keep your lawn so nice. As I bottled up my hatred for everything suburban and quaint our families and her basked in the idea of the plan that was 'their' dream.
Instead of walking my path...I walked theirs.
We were learning that we both were heading down two separate paths. It was only a matter of time before my family and hers started harping on us to get married, settle down, have babies. I was scared. My coworkers were all settling down, some of my friends were starting to do the same. We started looking at houses and in true manipulative fashion my mother stepped in to financially help us build a house we couldn't afford, in a neighborhood close to her, with a drive that killed me, in a life I hated. We settled in—proud of our new home that we could then show off to the Joneses. We went to the neighborhood parties and why I would talk about the newest night clubs and happy hours, everyone else talked of expecting or trying to have children and even worse...how do you keep your lawn so nice. As I bottled up my hatred for everything suburban and quaint our families and her basked in the idea of the plan that was 'their' dream.
Instead of walking my path...I walked theirs.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 2)
After I graduated school in the summer of 2002 I started sending out my resumé. No takers until the fall where I started working at a small design shop for practically pennies. She continued school as well as working part time. For me...things were starting to change. By the next spring I didn't have a job and we were living in a tiny apartment in shawnee. I started working with a friend designing small websites. It didn't pay much but it was good experience.
We had to move in with my parents. This was a very tough thing to do. It wore on us. She was going to school and working while I was still trying to beef up my portfolio and interview everywhere. I refused to take production jobs that were being offered for fear that I'd be pigeon holed into a line of work I didn't want to do. I felt guilty for that choice and it strained the relationship. I once told myself that I had two big goals. One was to travel the world. Two was to be a designer in New York. I gave up both so I could be with her. That would doom us as well. After the divorce I recieved an important letter from her, she wrote that she was sorry for forgetting about my dreams and that she sees now why I did what I had to do. I thought I could put aside all my dreams, my goals, but what I found was that I was putting my happiness aside in order to achieve someone else's dreams and goals. That is not how you should live your life.
I finally got a job at another small design firm. That job then led me to a job at my current place of employment. We moved downtown shortly after. We were both working and our careers were starting to take off. Unfortunately, our relationship was being ignored over the constant hum of every day responsibilities. Like zombies we were moving through life, putting all our energy into our work...perhaps so we didn't have to face the reality that we were pulling away from each other.
We had to move in with my parents. This was a very tough thing to do. It wore on us. She was going to school and working while I was still trying to beef up my portfolio and interview everywhere. I refused to take production jobs that were being offered for fear that I'd be pigeon holed into a line of work I didn't want to do. I felt guilty for that choice and it strained the relationship. I once told myself that I had two big goals. One was to travel the world. Two was to be a designer in New York. I gave up both so I could be with her. That would doom us as well. After the divorce I recieved an important letter from her, she wrote that she was sorry for forgetting about my dreams and that she sees now why I did what I had to do. I thought I could put aside all my dreams, my goals, but what I found was that I was putting my happiness aside in order to achieve someone else's dreams and goals. That is not how you should live your life.
I finally got a job at another small design firm. That job then led me to a job at my current place of employment. We moved downtown shortly after. We were both working and our careers were starting to take off. Unfortunately, our relationship was being ignored over the constant hum of every day responsibilities. Like zombies we were moving through life, putting all our energy into our work...perhaps so we didn't have to face the reality that we were pulling away from each other.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 1)
The one big question everyone asks me is; what happened that would make you get a divorce? For me this is an easy question to answer...because we should've never gotten married. This is almost always followed by; why did you get married then? To which I can only answer...because I love her.
You confused yet? Welcome to my life.
Our relationship started when we were both very young. I was 18 and had just graduated from high school. She was 17 and was working at Subway during the summer before her senior year.
Wow...so many memories of times, people, places that I haven't thought about in a long time.
She was cute and sweet. She made me a sandwich. I asked her out due to a weird bet made by me and my buddy Justin. We started dating and immediately there was chemistry and friendship. We had a very passionate couple of weeks before I left on vacation. We ended it when I was on vacation. This was because we moved really fast and because she decided to move back down to Wichita for her senior year. We ended up getting back together and decided we'd try a long distance relationship. I spent my freshman year visiting her a couple of weekends a month and enjoying the dorm life on the other ones. The distance seemed to really help us take it slow and enjoy the time we had together. Half way through my sophomore year she moved in with me in my apartment and from then on we lived together. It was full of love and happiness. We'd help each other study and since we didn't have any money we'd keep each other company. We were living the college life together and enjoying it. I also loved her because for the first time I had someone that could help me heal some old wounds and vice versa.
You confused yet? Welcome to my life.
Our relationship started when we were both very young. I was 18 and had just graduated from high school. She was 17 and was working at Subway during the summer before her senior year.
Wow...so many memories of times, people, places that I haven't thought about in a long time.
She was cute and sweet. She made me a sandwich. I asked her out due to a weird bet made by me and my buddy Justin. We started dating and immediately there was chemistry and friendship. We had a very passionate couple of weeks before I left on vacation. We ended it when I was on vacation. This was because we moved really fast and because she decided to move back down to Wichita for her senior year. We ended up getting back together and decided we'd try a long distance relationship. I spent my freshman year visiting her a couple of weekends a month and enjoying the dorm life on the other ones. The distance seemed to really help us take it slow and enjoy the time we had together. Half way through my sophomore year she moved in with me in my apartment and from then on we lived together. It was full of love and happiness. We'd help each other study and since we didn't have any money we'd keep each other company. We were living the college life together and enjoying it. I also loved her because for the first time I had someone that could help me heal some old wounds and vice versa.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
SWING!
Please help me promote this youtube video because it rocks! Send it out and I guarantee you'll get some WTF's and :) back.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Being Alive!
It's very scary if you get it but can be very beautiful if you understand. The play is very god and this song is phenomenal.
Friday, January 2, 2009
A little Romance Please With A Side Of Passion
One of my favorite movies and soundtracks has got to be Wicker Park. I've seen it many times and continue to listen to the soundtrack over and over again. I just can't seem to find that romantic side of life I love. Everything feels so rushed when it comes to dating, relationships, work, life. Maybe romance is only found when we slow down to recognize what we have...or what we don't have. So many times I revert to passion being something sexually animalistic in nature but that doesn't seem to be what passion is. Passion seems to me to be something more in the nurture realm. To take care of someone's needs can be the most passionate thing in a relationship. I think we as a society; especially our generation and younger, needs to examine just how we are killing romance and passion. I find that maybe, just maybe, had I grown up in an older time, I would've been better served as a man to have to "court" a woman. We all feel that we put forth our best effort when we go into a relationship but are we?
My grandfather used to tell us stories about how he walked from his naval base to see my grandmother. He would then take her on a date and she still remembers that he didn't have very much money but he tried to do something special for her each time. They'd share a sweet goodnight kiss and he'd walk back to the base in the dark. I looked up the towns and they were close to fourteen miles away from each other. He would mention later that his navy boots would wear out faster than most of the other seamen's. I greatly admired my grandfather for that. It sounded...romantic.
I'm not new to this idea, as a matter of fact I'm turned on by romance more than most but quick satisfaction seems to be taking over. How do we as a society confront that? or do we just go with it? Check this out for some instant romance.
My grandfather used to tell us stories about how he walked from his naval base to see my grandmother. He would then take her on a date and she still remembers that he didn't have very much money but he tried to do something special for her each time. They'd share a sweet goodnight kiss and he'd walk back to the base in the dark. I looked up the towns and they were close to fourteen miles away from each other. He would mention later that his navy boots would wear out faster than most of the other seamen's. I greatly admired my grandfather for that. It sounded...romantic.
I'm not new to this idea, as a matter of fact I'm turned on by romance more than most but quick satisfaction seems to be taking over. How do we as a society confront that? or do we just go with it? Check this out for some instant romance.
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