Had I'd been alone where would I be? I ask myself this almost daily. I'm not even going to pretend to know that because there is no answer. I'm only right here...right now.
We were already moved into a house and working full time. What is the next step? It didn't take us long to decide that the obvious next step was to get married—right? It's all so American and picture perfect. Honestly, the conversation should've been how are we going to end this without it getting much worse. I tell everyone about to get married to take a step back and really analyze what that means and how you feel. I say this because if you're doing a big wedding you can easily get caught up in the planning. You never really take a look at the situation through honest eyes. There is so much to do and worry about with a wedding that your life a lot of times gets put on hold so that you don't have a break down from all the stress. TAKE THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND IT!
With the wedding in full swing things were getting rocky. I grabbed every piece of work I could get my hands on. I buried myself in my ambition so I didn't have to come home. She spent a lot of her time in bed working. The happiness just wasn't there. We would have good times every once and awhile but it felt like work. We tied the knot and the glorified party was a lot of fun. However the lies cut me to the core. I acted my way through, and that sounds terrible but I did. I did it because I loved her. I loved her because she stood by me and loved me and accepted me when I was so wounded when we first met. I loved her because my family loved her. I loved her because she is the nicest, sweetest person I'd ever met. I loved her just enough to go through with a false wedding but didn't love her enough to tell her the truth. I know that she knew...we both knew but neither of us had the guts to bring it up.
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