Yeah! A Bed!

This is going to be brief because I had an exhausting day. I went to NFM (see previous blog) and picked out a great bed and mattress in less than two hours. Fucking world record for me and big purchases. Previous bed buying mistakes include, getting a bed to small, getting an uncomfortable headboard to lean against, getting a bed that wasn't sturdy enough, and last but not least I had a bed that no woman would ever want to have intimate relations on for fear of all the above.

This bed is very sturdy, sheik, and has padding to lean against. I usually don't go for this style but I'm finding my tastes have changed dramatically over the last few months. What do you think people, was it a good choice?

My Own Room! Now A Bed

My roommates room is almost complete. Yippee, I will have a room that is finally mine. Granted I'm not in a bad position, he has a nice bed and an awesome plasma TV as well as an XBOX. I still long to have a room all to myself... my own bed... my own furniture... my own space.

Now I have to get a bed and furniture, as if money grew on trees. I'll start looking online and dream of cool contemporary lines married to a strong dark wood. Then I'll do a one eighty and think of old english thick oak with Versailles styled patterns. I'll realize that all are out of my price range. So I'll hit House of Denmark and other stylish name brand furniture stores. I will dream and crunch numbers but alas I will not be able to commit to such a high price. I will have to be content with being average and boring, I'll venture to the NFM otherwise known as Nebraska Furniture Mart. I will find something that is comfortable and capable and hints at my personality. I will buy it over the next two years and hopefully get a few good nights sleep on it. I'm now realizing I've got very little time to do all that so I'll just go to NFM and get it over with.

I'll settle when it comes to the bed but not when it comes to the partner to share it with.

Great Fucking Tie!

Sorry, but I had to update. I love this damn tie! Check it out. What do you think?

I'm Tied To My Addiction

I'm not an addict of anything accept to my accessories. I love ties, I've always since I was a little boy loved ties. I don't get to much of an opportunity to wear them... which is a shame. Here are my trophies of perfect geometry and color.

From left to right: My pure silver beauty, my checkered blue fancy, my brazen blazon red darling, my royal wrap, my skinny green gladiator, my mature three color black, my golden spotted flower, my irish emerald, my pink lady, my thinly speckled ninja, my grotesque paisley prince, my gray gridded girl, the night sky twins, and lastly... The Welsh Watkins tartan with historic insignia. This is a tie made with the historic tartan pattern of my forefathers. It was handmade and shipped from Wales. I hope I haven't come across as too pathetic with my addiction.

If you love ties as much as me, there are some beautiful ones located here: http://www.thetiebar.com/categoryPages/All_Ties.asp?view=all&

Seasonal Allergies

Stuck in bed working on a project from home. Oh what fun! I'm taking both Claritin and Mucinex D which seems to be working.

She Gets It And She's Moving On

continued...

Easter was fun and I got to spend some much needed time with my family. I got to shoot hoops with my brother and that is always a good time. Thanksgiving dinner was phenomenal and desert was delicious. I was happy for the most part except for a creeping cough and the first signs of a soar throat. Damn allergies. What happened next threw me for a loop though. 

I went over to my house. I was planning on doing a little work to it and picking up some things before I headed home. I saw my sister in-laws car at the house. I didn't think much of it. I walked in and immediately noticed some guy's sandals next to the door. Huh? I shouted hello really loudly a couple of times and after a few minutes my soon to be ex-wife ( you have to wait 60 days before the divorce is final in Kansas) appeared. She started questioning me and then informed me she had someone over. She looked really upset by the whole situation and started to tear up. I laughed and told her it was okay. I told her why I was over there in the first place. She was upset but it really didn't matter to me and when she saw me laughing and joking about it she started to be cool with it as well. I left the house knowing it was final, she was moving on. 

It wasn't until I started driving that I realized I was a little upset. I didn't have a problem with her seeing someone. It was the fact that they were in "our" house. Am I weird??? Should I have expected as much? Later that night she called me to talk about it. I was calm and just explained myself. I think she understands. What happened later on the phone call was a bit mind blowing. She told me about how she met someone. He was a teacher like her. Apparently, they really hit it off. Then she made me happy by explaining that she understood why I'd fallen out of love with her. She saw what I saw. That we'd grown apart and now that she has met someone that shares similar interests, goals and paths... she understands. I just made sure and warned her to take it slow and be careful. I don't want her to get hurt again so soon. She's a sweetheart and a great person. 

I only feel disappointed that she's now in a place I still lay awake at nights thinking about... a lot.

I Mixed It Up With Some DJ's In A Warehouse

Continued...

The next day I pretty much cleaned house and did laundry. I also watched the KU game. Go hawks! I decided to go to this party with the girls and some friends from the previous night. The party was really interesting, something I've never been to before. The party was located down by Grinders and the old tracks in Kansas City. The warehouse was not big but it was comfortable. The walls were lined with graffiti and one wall in particular had some graffiti being done on top of a big piece of paper. It had a price tag of three thousand dollars next to it and over the duration of the night was looking really cool as people kept adding to it. The music was the highlight of the evening, it consisted of multiple DJ's spinning contemporary beats mixed with urban hip hop. However, I was the most impressed with stylings of one particular DJ who was able to mix Enya and make it sound hardcore. We continued to enjoy the music, I unfortunately was pretty run down from the previous night's activities. 

I continued to flirt a little bit with the same girl but we mostly kept away from each other. I'm not sure if I don't continually sabotage myself for reasons only my psyche knows. I think she was a little upset that I didn't pursue her that night but I'm no puppet either. The girls eventually decided they'd had enough of the current surroundings and wanted to go to Rock Bar again. They asked us if we wanted to go and I mentioned I'd be more than happy to drive them. They were acting funny and that is when I knew something was up. I headed for the door and watched as the scenario played out. I knew what was going to happen and it did, the girls were out the door with some other guys. I would've thought I should have been mad but actually... I was relieved. 

I went back home and went to bed. It felt good to be back in bed at a fairly decent time. A hour after we'd left I was watching T.V. and I got an interesting text message. It was an unexpected apology and a notification that the girls were on their way home because one of them was getting sick. Whether it was true or not... I smiled and went to sleep. 

to be continued...

I Partied With Some Angels At A Rock Bar

Haha! Apparently, I'm photogenic or just good background.


This weekend was sort of a mixed bag. It started with an early day off at work last Friday. I had a doctor's appointment and then I was left feeling bored. I didn't know what to do next but then it dawned on me. I've never been to the new extension at the Nelson-Atkins museum, shame on me right. I've always loved art museums and have tried to plan for them on ever vacation trip I've taken. I decided to go and it was amazing. While it was nice to be secluded in my own creative thoughts I'm not going to lie, it would have been nice to be with someone. I love discussing art... it has always been a passion of mine.

That night I didn't really have any plans. My brother suggested we meet up with his buddy who had just come into town and hit up Angels Rock Bar. I agreed but later those plans fell through. I decided I was going to go anyway. I called up some friends and next thing I know we are in line and freezing our asses off. We finally got in when I met up with someone I knew that could get us in. Once we were in I ran into another buddy who let us join their VIP table. We danced and rocked out. I had an awesome time but it only got better. There had been a girl I met awhile back and thought she was attractive. I never really got a chance to hang out with her with me still being married. I was thinking about this girl and couldn't get her out of my head the last week or so. I ended up running into her and her friend. We were very flirtatious with each other and those meetings that our eyes had throughout the night... captivating. After we shut down A.R.B. we left with the girls and went to this guy's apartment. At this point my subtle flirtatious nature was unable to play out because another girl was taken with me. At which point she was very drunk and kept groping and rubbing my crotch. I don't mind the occasional ass grab but grabbing my crotch is a no no. I left the party with an invite to another party the next night.

to be continued...

 

I Wish For Winter Again

Wind swept trees, 

gathering the virgin air.

Fertile soil, 

quaffs the falling rain.

Melancholy mums, 

dance in her hair.

Her beauty, a corrupted thorn... 

to cause me pain.

Spring... 

the bountiful bosomed  bitch.

A seducer of addled loins.

Cursing lovers to ruinous ends.

A dark is in me,

which I do not care.

This Spring... 

I'm but a stain

A Ticket Whore

I'm starting to pile up on the shows and their tickets. I've got tickets to Citizen Cope, Eddie Izzard and now Wicked. I had a ticket to Mike Birbiglia but he canceled. I'm really excited for Eddie Izzard but I'm going to love Wicked! I've been so excited that Wicked is coming to Kansas City that it's very hard not to go rejoicing loudly down the hallways of my work. I'm now trying to decide on Alicia Keys, should I get tickets? hmmmmmm..... I will not be able to take a dude to that one, as Tim and I have previously discussed.

A Ballad Of Truth

My father shared this song with me when I was a child and I was upset by its beautifully tragic ending. After my eye opening wreck last thursday I needed to borrow my father's car. This was playing when I turned on the car. I was shaken by the accident. I sat there and listened to this song. I lost it. I teared up like I would do when I was a child. If you haven't heard this, perhaps it's a song you can hold in your heart the way I have. I love the last two minutes because the guitar plays on... reminding me life moves on when we are dead and gone.

The Ballad of Casey Deiss

by Shawn Phillips

Citizen's in Columbia

Alright. I bought two tickets to Citizen Cope on April 5th at "The Blue Note". I've never been to Columbia (that's tiger country) but I'm hoping that it's a cool place. It seems no one else has heard Citizen Cope, so I very well could be going by myself. Here's one of my favorites.

A Moment Can Break You, Take You, or Make You

A screech followed by a deafening thud. Pain coming from my face. What happened? Breathe... I can't stop tasting it. My tongue ventures to see what's left. Still can't tell. The hand with the watch that braced for it, now sits near glass that is spider webbed and punctured. That hand reaches quickly for the face. The eyes uncontrollably roll back and forth trying to get a fix on where everything is. They catch a glance at the hand shuttering back from the moist lips. The hand is covered in warm thin blood. The panic sets in. It just happened, it's hurting. Before you can gather yourself you run your other hand across the shifter and throw it into reverse. It moves quickly. It runs, oh please! I just want to be home. Sliding the hand forward it's thrown into drive. The other hand throws the mangled steering wheel around to center. The surroundings are calm and peaceful, they hold my secret. The blood continues. The heart is racing. The mind is foggy. The trip home is difficult but done.

The next morning involves every emotion and an awaking.

A Wake Up Call

I'm an idiot. I had a huge wake up call last night. I looked in the mirror this morning and realized I need to fix this darkness inside of me. I won't go into details for reasons some know, but I'm lucky to be alive. Don't pry, just know I'm okay.

Am I Poisonous?

I have something I really need to get off my chest. This last Friday I had a great heart to heart with my brother. Something we really have never done before and it felt so good afterwards. I was flying high and feeling ready to party. I was having a good night. I decided to go to a friends birthday party at the GranFalloon on the plaza. I was really enjoying myself at the party watching everyone getting liquored up. Also, the birthday girl seemed to really be enjoying herself which makes me feel good. I tend to not have good birthdays so anytime someone else has a good one its special. The night was starting to wind down for most people. At this time I was pulled aside by someone. What I got was unbelievable. On my night of triumph with my brother I was pulled aside and berated. This person did not back down. I was raked over the coals a thousand times over about my situation and what I'd done to my ex-wife. This isn't someone that knows me particularly well but felt they had to tell me what an asshole I was. I was then scolded for having a blog which provides personal thoughts and memoirs about the feelings and situations I'm going through.

For the record I write for no one but myself. My blog is my confessions and therapy, I will NOT STOP writing! I understand I put myself out there for others to criticize and I'm fine with that, but don't think you know me or what i've been through with just my blog entries.

Lastly, and this was the worst part of it. This person decides to blame me and my situation for the problems in another friends relationship. Are you fucking kidding me? I was pissed. I immediately dismissed the whole thing and went back to my seat furious. I was still angry about it the rest of the night. Over the next couple of days I got to thinking about it, as absurd it is to think I could affect another's relationship in such an indirect way, I was starting to believe I did. Maybe, he was seeing how I was enjoying myself more than ever now that I'm single. Maybe she feels empowered to leave him after such a long time together. None of which I believe but it made me think. All I want is for people is to be happy. Did I bring unhappiness to people I love by making myself happy again? I want to say it doesn't bother me. I want to believe I've had no effect on the situation. I want to believe i've hurt no one. Apparently I've shined a mirror on other peoples insecurities and they now want to cause me pain. How much can I take? I want to scream. I will scream. I'll scream silently in the lonely night. That's just the way I was made, venom, fangs and all.

This makes the panties drop!

I used a lot of elbow grease last night to get this bathtub looking white again. Mainly due to the fact we had no chemicals to dissolve it. Back in the day I would have never bothered. Perhaps, with age I'm getting better.

Kansas City Auto Show

While I was fighting a cold over the weekend I was able to take in the beauty of mechanical masturbatory machismo. Here is the verdict on my top five most impressive at the auto show.

1: 2008 Mercedes-Benz C300 Sport
2: 2008 Dodge Challenger
3: 2008 Scion TC
4: 2008 Chevy Camaro
5: 2008 Smart ForTwo

At number five I was very impressed with the 2008 Smart ForTwo. Granted this is not a practical car for everyone but it shows its advantages right away. Obviously it has great gas mileage and doesn't take up much space, but how does it play out when you put a six-foot-four man in the driver seat. Surprisingly awesome. According to Adam it was a good fit and with plenty of head room he felt very comfortable. I wondered how he would feel if a hummer pulled up behind on an icy day in Kansas City. I'm not going to test my luck with this car but it is extremely affordable. Perhaps, if everyone had one of these in New York City transportation wouldn't be so pricey.

At number four was the Bumblebee inspired Chevy Camaro. 2008 seems like a huge year for the muscle car reinvisionings. With the release of the Challenger and Camaro as well as the previous released Mustang and Charger, there's ample opportunity to represent a style and a time period that was American working class at its heart. The grill is what caught my eye and won me over. The meanness in the face of this machine made me fear the power that was inside this street beast.  This car begs to be driven and all I want to do with it is ride up on some Volkswagen bugs ass and hear it scream.

At number three a mainstay for me every year is the Scion TC. The TC is so customizable it seems that you just can't improve on perfection.  Allowing personalization and customization is the gen Y way.


At number two is one of my personal oldies but goodies meets timely. I want this car! I love this car! While it looks like they will never release my favorite old muscle car, the hemi cuda, i'll just have to settle for its twin brother, the Dodge Challenger. They have kept true to everything that was beautiful about this car. This vehicle is meant to do one thing and one thing only, be powerful. The lines on this car are beautiful and its stubby stance makes it a real bulldog in nature on the road. I was skeptical but now I'm just awed. Enjoy.

My number one was a huge surprise. The 2008 Mercedes-Benz C300 Sport was a home run in my opinion. The fit and finish on this car was impeccable. The interior was 60k plush. The lines and the overall sporty nature of this car was something to be admired. Okay, it's a Benz and it's awesome lets see the sticker price. What? No way? With an MSRP of 32,900 that's a steal for this sporty piece of pride and luxury. When I sat in this car I sat on a cloud in heaven. Well, there it is, only time will tell if the audience is as satisfied as I am about these selections.

It sucks to be sick.

I've been trying to fight off this cold but it's kicking my ass today. Unfortunately, there is a whole crap load of work to be done.

My B-ball Yoga

Worked out this morning. I'm always at piece when the gym is empty and I'm just allowed to shoot some hoops on my own terms. I was able to think and relax. I feel so much better today. Up and down, up and down. I understand that's the way it's going to go for me for awhile.

I'm at piece today.

A Moment Of Vulnerability

I'm trying hard to ignore it. I'm trying desperately to let it go. I'm trying to not hate or blame. I'm doing what I always do. I'm trying to desperately hide my feelings beneath the walls of my skin. Underneath my fingernails and eyelids it sleeps. Underneath my pillow and what lies in the dark of my room. What beats me like a bat over the head until my eyeballs burst from my skull. What is destroying me tonight of all nights. What has never been so strong until now... (What is making me grit my teeth for reasons unanswered.) 

The truth is I'm trying to be a man, but right now... I'm just scared and lonely. I'm not strong like I try to portray myself. I hid behind a tie today because I lack the confidence to have anyone look me in the eyes. I dressed myself hoping people would throw stones at what I wear so as to not realize I'm an ugly creature right now. I'm lost in my sorrows. I'm what's written behind the moon, where no stars shine and darkness is a cradle in which I lie and weep.

I'm a watcher, an observer of people. I see things in a way very few do. I watch people in anticipation and read them as if they are stories written on a sea of memories both painful and joyous. I use my imagination to play out every scenario that led them up to the point at which they're at. I don't judge, just interpret. 

Sorry... 

I went off the subject at hand. I observed a lot of people today in a state of bliss. Though I care about them all, it made me hate them. Am I hurting and yet I haven't acknowledged it yet? Come on TG your smarter than that. Fuck! Maybe while I was in New York I realized what I'd given up. Maybe I want to be there so bad it poisoned me. I can't put my finger on it but I'm desperate for... companionship? I'm hurting to feel lips again. I'm hoping to look into breathtaking eyes again. I'm desperate for fingertips and soft skin. I'm aching for the smell of perfumed hair. With every wish I want to hold a gorgeous smile in the palm of my hands. I think I want to hear those three words again so bad. Love is heroin for the heart and loneliness is the withdrawal. 

Sorry for my moment of weakness. It's just... I have to get away from...

New York, J. Crew, and Pubs Too!

As I walked down busy New York streets I was alive again. At first I thought that all the male twenty-somethings with their duplicate J. Crew outfits and perfectly sculpted features were a bit pretentious. Nope, it's just the way life is in the big apple. Well, maybe only in that part of New York City. The city was bigger then anything I've seen. All the people flooded it like some walk-a-thon after-party.  It was an energy I've never felt before, as if the caffeine in the coffee originated from the vibe of the city. 

This is the place where you go to be recognized as great. 

I ended up hitting a pub with few co-workers and it felt like what old london should be. It was so antique and for a Monday night it was packed with people. The people were having such a great time, talking, laughing, throwing back beers. 

The women in New York all seem so confident and independent, could New York be the dating capital of the world? Most of the women dressed as if they had just thrown something together. However, every article of clothing was strategically placed and fit perfectly. Are you born with fashion superiority in New York? 

I loved New York and I can't wait to go back. Although, on the plane ride home the most beautiful site was that of Kansas City at night. K.C. looks as if it was lit by a billion candles and stretched for miles across open prairie. K.C. you are beautiful too.

Four Words

I love New York!

A Typical Saturday Night

3:20 a.m. 

Tanners > The Quaff > Birthday Party in the River Market > Vinino > McFadden's > All in a nights work.

Headin' to bed.

I love partying.