A Moment Of Vulnerability

I'm trying hard to ignore it. I'm trying desperately to let it go. I'm trying to not hate or blame. I'm doing what I always do. I'm trying to desperately hide my feelings beneath the walls of my skin. Underneath my fingernails and eyelids it sleeps. Underneath my pillow and what lies in the dark of my room. What beats me like a bat over the head until my eyeballs burst from my skull. What is destroying me tonight of all nights. What has never been so strong until now... (What is making me grit my teeth for reasons unanswered.) 

The truth is I'm trying to be a man, but right now... I'm just scared and lonely. I'm not strong like I try to portray myself. I hid behind a tie today because I lack the confidence to have anyone look me in the eyes. I dressed myself hoping people would throw stones at what I wear so as to not realize I'm an ugly creature right now. I'm lost in my sorrows. I'm what's written behind the moon, where no stars shine and darkness is a cradle in which I lie and weep.

I'm a watcher, an observer of people. I see things in a way very few do. I watch people in anticipation and read them as if they are stories written on a sea of memories both painful and joyous. I use my imagination to play out every scenario that led them up to the point at which they're at. I don't judge, just interpret. 

Sorry... 

I went off the subject at hand. I observed a lot of people today in a state of bliss. Though I care about them all, it made me hate them. Am I hurting and yet I haven't acknowledged it yet? Come on TG your smarter than that. Fuck! Maybe while I was in New York I realized what I'd given up. Maybe I want to be there so bad it poisoned me. I can't put my finger on it but I'm desperate for... companionship? I'm hurting to feel lips again. I'm hoping to look into breathtaking eyes again. I'm desperate for fingertips and soft skin. I'm aching for the smell of perfumed hair. With every wish I want to hold a gorgeous smile in the palm of my hands. I think I want to hear those three words again so bad. Love is heroin for the heart and loneliness is the withdrawal. 

Sorry for my moment of weakness. It's just... I have to get away from...