My Last Post

8:45 p.m. and I'm resting my left shoulder against the cold tile. Outside my building I'm picturing snowflakes falling on filthy concrete. Warm beads of comfort cascade down my body and steam fills my lungs. One of my favorite songs starts to penetrate my ears from just outside the door...

Ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Save me girl
Turn me on with your electric feel

...

My mind wonders to her, to that night, then back to her like it has for months. I'm every emotion all at once. I laugh for a brief second aloud and then I stop. I spit a few droplets of the hard water out on the tile in front of me. "God damn" dribbles outta my mouth and rests somewhere in between the open drain and the dark speck in the upper right corner of my window. I took a second glance at the speck. I peered at it, watching every move. Such a calculating creature and yet a creature that survives on chance too. I gaze at it as if I was watching the Discovery channel, faux commentary fills my head. The web was perfect and yet hardly noticeable. The creature was dark brown with the slightest hint of white rings that circled its body from end to end. I peered around it. I noticed a smaller speck below the creatures body. The smaller speck looked to be half covered. The creature repositioned itself, its back legs started moving hastily up and down. It was brilliant. The creature was so fast and deliberate in cocooning its prey. I watched, staring wide eyed for a little longer. I put my mind in both their places. Was I the predator? Was I the prey? Perhaps, I dance on the fine line between the two waiting for the web to break? Or was I the guy that turned off the water, grabbed some toilet paper, and in one fell swoop destroyed it all?

I tossed the paper in the toilet and flushed it. What is it like to drown? Are we all drowning? Are we all just given a chance to swim a little longer than spiders?

This is my last post. It was fun blogging but I'm worn out and just don't enjoy it like I once did. Maybe I'll pick it up again but probably not.

I leave you with this song and video for several reasons. 1. It was in my story. 2. It is her. 3. I miss showbiz pizza (2:22) and fuck chucky cheese! 4. One of my favorite songs of all time.

You Just Have To Love UTIOG!

This is a great little piece of lyrics from the song 'beautiful'.

I want you to know that I'm beautiful,
I'm taking my time to perfect dying alone,
I'm cutting the string that binds me to you,
I'm writing a book on what not to do.

so good!

I'm Tired

I'm glad this video is out.

Random Thoughts

Friends losing their jobs.
Things could be better at mine.
It's still really freaking cold.
I still haven't fully gotten over this sickly ick.
That means I haven't been back to workout in awhile.
So many things I can't afford that i need to do.
Two women who are interested in me but I'm already starting to date two other women. I know...sounds rough.
In the end, I'm really very lucky.
My mom has to go back in for another surgery, that worries me.
I've stopped going out so much, just doesn't seem as fun to me anymore.
I'm more of the mindset that I just want to curl up and watch a good movie.
hmmmm...
is this signs that I might be growing up.
ha!
maybe.
Oh well.
I've got plenty of time.
Off to bed.

no phone. no phone. I just want to be alone today...
love that song.

Getting A Little Better

Up Again With Coughing Attacks

This blows being sick.

Ugh. Blegh. Blah.

Don't you just love being sick? I always seem to get sick at the worst times too. Here are some factors in why I'm still sick after a week of trying to get better. First, did you know that single people are 4 times more likely to get sick compared to those people in relationships. Stress! We are supposed to relax so our body can concentrate on the infection. I've been hit hard with lots to do in a short period of time to do it and my stress level has never been higher. Sleep! Yep, haven't been able to sleep due to coughing fits or work. Cleanliness! Yes, keep your home clean even when your sick helps you to get better. However, there is just not enough time in the day when you're sick and busy to get that stuff done. Food! The right ingredients can definitely help your immune system out. Although, when you're by yourself, who really wants to go out and go shopping? Instead you grab what's available and hope to not balloon to 300 lbs. while you're bedridden. If there is one thing I do miss. I miss being taken care of when i feel like shit.

I haven't been out in two weeks so I'll throw this on here.

Sympathy

I went to an open mic night to observe a friend play three new songs of his. One of the other musicians played a song I thought was really great. It's called Sympathy and was originally done by a band called Rare Bird in 1971. The video is using a cover done by a band named Marillion. I think this song works for every generation, which is not necessarily a good thing.

A Good Trailer

I really enjoy trailers for movies. I almost enjoy them as much if not more than the movies. One trailer still sticks out in my mind. I'm not a big horror fan by any means and I haven't seen this movie but I do remember running across its trailer. After watching the short teaser trailer I had the worst sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It doesn't use gore or graphic violence it just makes you uneasy. What you don't know is more terrifying than what you do know.

First you think it's really simple and not clever at all. The awkward camera angle almost looks amateur but then the song kicks in. The sound and lyrics are eerie in themselves and there is a definite sense of calm cruelty in the sound. You see a body bound and dragged by a faceless figure—a definite sense of impending doom. All of this is still typical...but wait. A large foot crunches in front of the camera and another figure starts marching forward. You notice a loose rope starting to pick up slack and that's when you feel it. The camera angle jerks as you realize that this isn't a camera angle...this is your view from a confined bag. You are ultimately placed in the horrific situation and a feeling of hopelessness continues as it ends. Enjoy.

Can't Sleep

I just finished working and now I'm reading a phenomenal book I'll tell you about later. Anyways...

I'll throw this out there.

Everything that lives, lives not alone nor for itself. — William Blake

night.

Jessie Malakouti - Outsider

Holy Shit this is a great dance song. If you can get past the first 30 seconds you're in for a treat. I hope I get a chance to hear this in some clubs soon.

Outside - Jessie Malakouti

Yay! I Sold My TV!

That TV while awesome has been the bane of my existence for awhile now. I put it up on craig's list and after many promising phone calls I finally found someone willing to buy it and pick it up. However, that doesn't mean I didn't run across a few scam artists. My favorite part about the one below is that david peterson is apparently "turkish". Nice.

Good Day

I am very much happy for your responds. I Turkish man that i live in usa, Right now i will be instructing my client to send you a CHECK of {$3700} in respect of your name. This increase of money covers the money for the {65" Mitsubishi Widescreen TV} and the Money for the Mover. I wont be very Much present in controlling the shipping of the Item cause i got a Good News that my Wife delivered in Turkey, So i need to get to turkey as soon as Possible, That is why i want to see some more Pics of the {65" Mitsubishi Widescreen TV} if there is still any one you get , or if you can get present pics , Cause I would only be communicating with you Via email for the main time. My Mover will be responsible for the Shipping and other Paper works. He is very Much capable to stand for me, I have known him and trusted him for the past 27years which he never failed. Some times Mistake comes But we Just have to work out Solution,. So as soon as you get the CHECK cashed i would Love you to deduct your Money and have the rest send to my Mover via Western Union . I will let you have his information as soon as you get the check. So if this is cleared by you and you believe i can trust you on this also. I would Like to have your Full details So that my shipper can come Over for the Pick Up.
Full Name:--
Address :--
City :--
State :--
Zip Code:--
Country :--
# Number:--
Hope to get this responds fast from you ..

Thanks

David Peterson

Take It Sleazy!

I feel rejuvenated, I have a certain vigor for vivacious villainy. The weather has caused me to feel young again. It's amazing how much a change in the climate can take you from six to midnight. I'm not sure how long this warm front is going last but I'll enjoy it while I can. I can't wait to hit first Friday's tonight! Tomorrow is a cool snowboarding competition at P&L live block. My buddies house party tomorrow night as well. Sunday I get to clean, do a little work, and then out to grab some drinks with a fun girl I recently met. Life is good. I tell myself this every morning...and I believe it.

I want to take this opportunity to personally thank that young attractive woman I see at the gym every morning. I've had many opportunities to just lay in bed and go back to sleep but then I think, I kinda want to share smiles with her again. So I drag my ass outta bed at six, do my abdominal workout and then head to the gym. We always trade smiles and I feel like it was worth the couple extra hours of sleep i missed. Life's a garden, dig it!

Yeah...Good Song.

Am I Still The One

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 10)

What am I looking for?

I'm still trying to figure this out. I'd love it if I met someone that professionally did what I did. I feel like that was one of the hardest things to overcome in all my previous relationships. It would be really great if they were just as ambitious as me too. I need someone that is creative, because creatives just look at the world differently. We are our own special breed, we observe what most don't in ways most can't. I need someone I don't have to entertain, that's independent, that can create their own fun. I get so frustrated when I take someone out and they need to be at my side to have a good time. I'll introduce you, check up on you, and flirt with you but take the time to meet people and create relationships with them. I need someone that fills the role of what I think is attractive physically. I like someone that is fashionable or even fashionably outgoing. I have a tendency towards the claire dane's features . I love someone with an outgoing personality, someone that can capture a room and take it over. My favorite trait of all is someone who does what makes them happy and can be extremely spontaneous. I enjoy risk takers.

There is more to it than that but it's a start to finding happiness.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 9)

So where do I go from here. Well...with the economy in the shitter it's hard to gather a lot of options. I really would like to get out of Kansas City. I'm hopeful that my job might allow me to do this.

I have fun and kinda go with the flow. I lost between 40-50 lbs over the last year while gaining muscle too. I feel very confident in achieving my goal of a six pack. I receive quite a few compliments on my appearance which is funny because I still see that unpopular chubby kid in the mirror.

I try to stay single for the most part and make it perfectly clear to most that need my attention that I'm not looking for a relationship. It sounds bad but to everyone that approaches me they just want the same thing. They just want to wake up in someone's arms. No one gets hurt and for the most part I'm the one that is approached. I make sure that nobody ever gets hurt. There have been a couple of opportunities to move to a relationship but logistics get in the way. I'm fine either way. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that it'll happen when it happens and it's just fun in between. After all, If you're going to be with someone for the rest of your life...why spend every second with them now?

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 8)

We talk every once and awhile. There are still some boxes of things that have yet be split up. We have memories and I'm proud to have said that I loved her once. I'm also proud to have had someone love me so deeply once. Love is hard and it's exhausting. It's exhausting because it's a ton of work. I went through a really rough patch after the divorce. I didn't know how to date or initiate interest. I drank a lot which led to a really bad car wreck that I'm thankful did not hurt anyone else. I'm also really lucky I wasn't killed because I wasn't wearing my seat belt. Just lucky all the way around. I woke up after that crash and was able to get some much needed help.

I finally got back in the game and started having fun for the first time. I realized single life isn't that bad after all. Actually, I kinda enjoy it. I've since dated a lot but nothing has really come from it. It's going to take a lot more dating and someone very special to catch me. I'm not your typical guy and for that I'm both proud and also lonely. I always leave every relationship on good terms. Why? I know how to make someone feel good about themselves and I enjoy doing that. I did have one potential prospect for a relationship that I let my guard down for. However, it just didn't seem meant to be.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 7)

By the time the end of the year rolled around we were both fed up. I started working out in the mornings because I had let myself go and was completely miserable with how I looked and felt. I was really busy at work. I finally had my own client and therefore flying out to do presentations more often. I remember flying out for a week and on the flight back getting delayed on the plane for three hours. I came back to do the VML party with all my confidence back. I then took off the next morning to ride out with my buddy Adam to the KU versus Colorado football game in Colorado. I got back home from that and immediately flew back out again for another week. I did a lot of thinking on this trip. It was good for me.

We traveled to my buddies place for the New Year's Eve party. We both smiled and laughed but we were both good at hiding our unhappiness. We left there to go to my parent's place and a large scale battle broke out between the two of us. Everything that could've been said was and even things that shouldn't have been. It was brutal and you could feel that hatred seething. That's when the switch flipped. That's when I knew that once the switch was turned off it was permanent. We got through the rest of the New Years and my birthday. I moved out of the house and into my buddies place. We called it a separation but I never showed any signs of trying to make it work and she got the that. She realized I was done.

We filed for divorce and we put the house on the market. She immediately started dating again. I went through hell carrying the burden of being the initiator of the split. The families blamed me but they never really knew what happened behind closed doors. She found happiness right away having met another teacher she fell head over heals for. She gave me a couple of letters telling me that I was right in what i had done and that she understood it now. She also apologized for not seeing just how many of my dreams and goals I had set aside for her. I am still so happy that she is happy and in love again. I had no issues in taking on the huge responsibility of the split. My shoulders are strong and I could carry that load.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 6)

I worked harder than ever before, feeling guilty about what I had done. The rest of the winter was cold in more ways than one. I put my frustrations into working on the house. I learned how to drywall and standard house maintenance. I retreated into sports, T.V., video games and food. I've always been particular about my weight and I've always worked hard to maintain it. This time I just didn't care.

The summer rolled around and she wasn't working because she was a teacher. She spent the whole summer in bed...sleeping. She was deeply depressed. I couldn't take it and so I spent lots of time out or doing other things. I knew why she was depressed. It was a conversation we kept having. I couldn't understand why she wanted kids so bad, right now? I felt like I still needed a lot more time. I still needed to travel. I still needed to advance my career. We separated for a bit but the loneliness got to me and I came back. She tried to be more upbeat and I tried to be happier but it was just delaying the inevitable.

That summer something else happened. I met someone that sparked me. She was beautiful and the chemistry was great. I realized then that the person I was then was different from the person I was eight years earlier. I realized that my attractions and my interests were different. I realized that happiness lied somewhere else and with someone else. During the separation right before the divorce I tried to pursue it but nothing came from it. It was a good learning experience albeit painful.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 5)

I knew I made a huge mistake after the wedding. My head was all over the place and old feelings, thoughts, emotions from my childhood started to resurface. With us living so far away from my friends and her having social anxiety I was trapped. I wanted to go out. I needed to go out. I started trying to go out more and I drank more. I had a hard time coping with what I'd just done so I drank and partied but not like before where it was controlled. This was me not caring what happened. This was me acting out.

Some witnessed this break down at my office party. So many seemed to think that I just partied a little too hard. It was deeper, it was less than a month after the wedding and I was out to destroy something. I was pretty drunk by the time my wife had shown up. I ignored her and pushed her away. I hated her at that moment and I didn't know why. She left the party. I hated her for leaving me there. I was testing her to see just how much she'd put up with. She was tired of that game and therefore just left. Her mind was somewhere else. She was starting to feel the struggle with not being a mother yet. I knew that too.

The rest is a blur to me but apparently I continued to drink and finally passed out. My friends called my wife and she came and picked me up. I woke up the next morning lying on the cold concrete floor of our garage. I continued to vomit and get sick for the next two days and finally had to be rushed to the E.R. for I.V. drips. Apparently I had the flu as well. I was so very lucky I didn't ruin everything at my job. I tried to destroy my life but thankfully I didn't succeed. It still gets brought up as a joke just like any college party but for me it's deeper. It takes me back to a time where I didn't like who I was or what I was doing.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 4)

Had I'd been alone where would I be? I ask myself this almost daily. I'm not even going to pretend to know that because there is no answer. I'm only right here...right now.

We were already moved into a house and working full time. What is the next step? It didn't take us long to decide that the obvious next step was to get married—right? It's all so American and picture perfect. Honestly, the conversation should've been how are we going to end this without it getting much worse. I tell everyone about to get married to take a step back and really analyze what that means and how you feel. I say this because if you're doing a big wedding you can easily get caught up in the planning. You never really take a look at the situation through honest eyes. There is so much to do and worry about with a wedding that your life a lot of times gets put on hold so that you don't have a break down from all the stress. TAKE THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND IT!

With the wedding in full swing things were getting rocky. I grabbed every piece of work I could get my hands on. I buried myself in my ambition so I didn't have to come home. She spent a lot of her time in bed working. The happiness just wasn't there. We would have good times every once and awhile but it felt like work. We tied the knot and the glorified party was a lot of fun. However the lies cut me to the core. I acted my way through, and that sounds terrible but I did. I did it because I loved her. I loved her because she stood by me and loved me and accepted me when I was so wounded when we first met. I loved her because my family loved her. I loved her because she is the nicest, sweetest person I'd ever met. I loved her just enough to go through with a false wedding but didn't love her enough to tell her the truth. I know that she knew...we both knew but neither of us had the guts to bring it up.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 3)

So we'd come home every night to our downtown apartment. I would sneak off to Tanners to go visit my buddy and she would retreat to our bed and work all night. I'm a connoisseur of social functions, the nightlife, spontaneity and with my good job making good money I was afforded the opportunity to do that. I quickly found out that that was not what she wanted. She was ready to nest and settle down. Having come from a big family and working as an elementary school teacher she was in the pursuit of making babies. Part of my initial attraction to her came from the fact that I knew she would be an excellent mother...but I couldn't imagine her being the mother of my child. One gut feeling I've learned to notice is that if I can't look at a partner and see them having my child...then they won't. I think so far in my life I've only met one woman that I could clearly see her and I having a child together.

We were learning that we both were heading down two separate paths. It was only a matter of time before my family and hers started harping on us to get married, settle down, have babies. I was scared. My coworkers were all settling down, some of my friends were starting to do the same. We started looking at houses and in true manipulative fashion my mother stepped in to financially help us build a house we couldn't afford, in a neighborhood close to her, with a drive that killed me, in a life I hated. We settled in—proud of our new home that we could then show off to the Joneses. We went to the neighborhood parties and why I would talk about the newest night clubs and happy hours, everyone else talked of expecting or trying to have children and even worse...how do you keep your lawn so nice. As I bottled up my hatred for everything suburban and quaint our families and her basked in the idea of the plan that was 'their' dream.

Instead of walking my path...I walked theirs.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 2)

After I graduated school in the summer of 2002 I started sending out my resumé. No takers until the fall where I started working at a small design shop for practically pennies. She continued school as well as working part time. For me...things were starting to change. By the next spring I didn't have a job and we were living in a tiny apartment in shawnee. I started working with a friend designing small websites. It didn't pay much but it was good experience.

We had to move in with my parents. This was a very tough thing to do. It wore on us. She was going to school and working while I was still trying to beef up my portfolio and interview everywhere. I refused to take production jobs that were being offered for fear that I'd be pigeon holed into a line of work I didn't want to do. I felt guilty for that choice and it strained the relationship. I once told myself that I had two big goals. One was to travel the world. Two was to be a designer in New York. I gave up both so I could be with her. That would doom us as well. After the divorce I recieved an important letter from her, she wrote that she was sorry for forgetting about my dreams and that she sees now why I did what I had to do. I thought I could put aside all my dreams, my goals, but what I found was that I was putting my happiness aside in order to achieve someone else's dreams and goals. That is not how you should live your life.

I finally got a job at another small design firm. That job then led me to a job at my current place of employment. We moved downtown shortly after. We were both working and our careers were starting to take off. Unfortunately, our relationship was being ignored over the constant hum of every day responsibilities. Like zombies we were moving through life, putting all our energy into our work...perhaps so we didn't have to face the reality that we were pulling away from each other.

And Here Is Where I Try To Make Sense Of Things (Part 1)

The one big question everyone asks me is; what happened that would make you get a divorce? For me this is an easy question to answer...because we should've never gotten married. This is almost always followed by; why did you get married then? To which I can only answer...because I love her.

You confused yet? Welcome to my life.

Our relationship started when we were both very young. I was 18 and had just graduated from high school. She was 17 and was working at Subway during the summer before her senior year.

Wow...so many memories of times, people, places that I haven't thought about in a long time.

She was cute and sweet. She made me a sandwich. I asked her out due to a weird bet made by me and my buddy Justin. We started dating and immediately there was chemistry and friendship. We had a very passionate couple of weeks before I left on vacation. We ended it when I was on vacation. This was because we moved really fast and because she decided to move back down to Wichita for her senior year. We ended up getting back together and decided we'd try a long distance relationship. I spent my freshman year visiting her a couple of weekends a month and enjoying the dorm life on the other ones. The distance seemed to really help us take it slow and enjoy the time we had together. Half way through my sophomore year she moved in with me in my apartment and from then on we lived together. It was full of love and happiness. We'd help each other study and since we didn't have any money we'd keep each other company. We were living the college life together and enjoying it. I also loved her because for the first time I had someone that could help me heal some old wounds and vice versa.

SWING!

Please help me promote this youtube video because it rocks! Send it out and I guarantee you'll get some WTF's and :) back.

Cerebral Story

The director does some commentary that explains why this novel is so important.

Being Alive!

It's very scary if you get it but can be very beautiful if you understand. The play is very god and this song is phenomenal.

A little Romance Please With A Side Of Passion

One of my favorite movies and soundtracks has got to be Wicker Park. I've seen it many times and continue to listen to the soundtrack over and over again. I just can't seem to find that romantic side of life I love. Everything feels so rushed when it comes to dating, relationships, work, life. Maybe romance is only found when we slow down to recognize what we have...or what we don't have. So many times I revert to passion being something sexually animalistic in nature but that doesn't seem to be what passion is. Passion seems to me to be something more in the nurture realm. To take care of someone's needs can be the most passionate thing in a relationship. I think we as a society; especially our generation and younger, needs to examine just how we are killing romance and passion. I find that maybe, just maybe, had I grown up in an older time, I would've been better served as a man to have to "court" a woman. We all feel that we put forth our best effort when we go into a relationship but are we?

My grandfather used to tell us stories about how he walked from his naval base to see my grandmother. He would then take her on a date and she still remembers that he didn't have very much money but he tried to do something special for her each time. They'd share a sweet goodnight kiss and he'd walk back to the base in the dark. I looked up the towns and they were close to fourteen miles away from each other. He would mention later that his navy boots would wear out faster than most of the other seamen's. I greatly admired my grandfather for that. It sounded...romantic.

I'm not new to this idea, as a matter of fact I'm turned on by romance more than most but quick satisfaction seems to be taking over. How do we as a society confront that? or do we just go with it? Check this out for some instant romance.